Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

You project your good qualities onto him. He doesn’t actually possess them. You are deluding yourself. The phrase “seeing the best in people “ is a nice platitude. In this case it amounts to “seeing only the pretty side of the tiger” and ignoring the reality of the teeth snd claws.

The best of this man? You had it for a while. Now he longs to give it to another woman. He’s just keeping you sweet for now. Until he can take everything and leave.

Why would you want to stay with someone who has repeatedly lied to you, disrespected you and humiliated you.

This wasn’t some one time mistake where he had an epiphany once he was found out and he turned his life around and realised how stupid he was. He just continued what he doing behind your back even when he saw just how much it hurt you.

There is so much more to life than putting up with this absolute shit and believe me your children will not thank you for staying. They will want more for you and as adults in the future would you tell them to stay if they were being treated this way? No you wouldn’t.

Ditch this loser and love yourself more than you love him.

My parents had a marriage similar to this. They stayed together “for the children” and because my mother clung to the belief that next time, it would be different.

We didn’t know any of the details at the time but none of us (now in our fifties and sixties) have had a healthy marriage or partnership and I can’t think that it’s a coincidence.

No, I don’t believe that you can recover from this healthily as a couple, without permanent damage to your children as well as you.

He’s only confessing because other people know and may tell you

he is most likely staying till he can figure out how to get out of the marriage with as little financial pain to him

When you love someone you do not treat them in the way your husband has treated you. Even after you found out the truth and he knew how much it hurt you he still carried on.

Of course he’s afraid of losing you and his family. His life is comfortable and easy right now. He has you at home making his dinner, washing his clothes and caring for his kids all whilst he’s getting his sexual thrills elsewhere.

If he wanted to be a better person he would have either not done this awful thing in the first place or he would have stopped the affair once found out and done anything in his power to fix thing including finding a new job, going to joint and solo therapy etc.

Personally I don’t think your marriage can recover - you’ll never be able to trust him after what has happened. Did you have no inkling the affair was continuing?

He wasn’t able to give her up for you and his family. He gambled on the fact he wouldn’t be caught out and that you’d forgive him. He made his choice a year ago.

Why has he told you this now? is she threatening him? Does he think you’ll find o it through colleagues?

Why has he told you “she’d welcome him with open arms”? It is manipulative. He’s trying to make it sound like he is being reasonable, giving you a chance to forgive him and see that he chose you in the end, after having his end away for two years. Totally outrageous! why is it on you to fix and bear the pain of forgiveness? He has caused this problem, his remorse isn’t real. He’s only remorseful because he was caught - twice!

He’s capable of a convincing lie, a double life. That’s not a good way to operate a marriage. That’s all you need to know.

I think I would tell other people in your social circle, your family and his. Get in their first before he can spin a sob story about what a horrible wife you’ve been.

I know it can be scary to end something that’s been a part of your life for so long, and I get the horrible feeling that you’re going to stay with this awful guy.

So, if you intend to do that then please please, at least do some things like get legal advice on where you stand if you were to divorce, tell the people closest to you about his affair (don’t you dare let him silence you). Get some councilling for yourself that focuses on boosting your self esteem.

To be honest, I would also ask him to leave the family home for a while. Maybe whilst you both have individual therapy and, after a few months of that and of him living elsewhere, you can consider also starting couples therapy before he moves back in. Aim for 6 months. But tell him it might be longer and it might not happen at all.

He also needs to change jobs before he returns.

If he isn’t willing to do these things, then you know he doesn’t care a jot about or fixing this, he just expect you to put up and shut up. A man who loved you, who was genuinely sorry and wanted to change, would give you what you needed to be able to ever begin to trust him again.

Please make sure you have your own money in your own separate bank account too. ASAP. Before any mention of him having to leave. His sort, often drain bank accounts.

There's a thread on this board where a woman forgave the affair, did "the work" on the marriage. Then the husband restarted the affair and she had to go through a double betrayal when she could have moved on the first time and been a few years on in her life. Really brutal.
Your DH only ended it because the employer found out. Honestly I don't think I'd waste years trying to fix it. He sounds like the kind of person who'd just do it again.
And I've said this on other threads but tell people you know, family , friends. It's not your shame to keep, you haven't done anything, tell other people in real life, see what they say. You shouldn't be carrying the shame of his affair.

The old saying “Fool me once, you are the fool. Fool me twice and I am the fool”

listen to your intitution.
your mental health is more important than anyone elses
stop allowing yourself to be tortured by this.

im so sorry you are dealing with this but if you take ownership of your own mental health your future self with thank you. 💐

I've never been in your situation but a couple of my friends have.

You are right in thinking the only reason the affair has ended (if it even has) is because their boss found out.

You finding out the first time wasn't enough to stop it. He might claim he loves you but his behaviour shows otherwise.

Claiming that he has poor mental health is part of the script and a way of guilt tripping (blackmailing) you into not upsetting everything.

There's a script for these situations, and he is following it.

You deserve better than this. Please don't even think of staying in a marriage with this man

Op open your eyes, dont be stupid get a divorce move on with your life, the life you should have.
Or do you really want to stay with a cheating liar, hes got away this twice he will do it again.
You think he loved you when he was fucking someone else, I think not.

He will feed you all the lies you want keep you around till the kids are adults, and he will fuck off leaving you for someone else so do yourself a favour and do it first.

Do you want to be second best, always looking and wondering if he will do it again.
Dont put yourself through that drama.
Put your foot down for once.
It will hurt but not as much as what he do next time he cheats, or leaves you.

Your wake up one day when its all over and think fuck why did I leave it so long.
By then you probably be with someone who loves you for you.
Dont worry he will soon know what he had but it will be to late for him by then.

Unless you can completely forget any of this happened and be sure you won’t ever feel worried about where he is, or who he is with, during work or whenever he goes anywhere without you, you cannot fix this. The trust is broken and he did it to you. Not once , but twice. He wants to be with her; he has told you he loves her for goodness sake… he just doesn’t want the world to see him for what he is… a cheating scumbag who has destroyed his family because some young girl fluttered her eyelashes at him. This is not your fault. This is not because he suffers from mental health issues. He is a selfish selfish man and you should tell everyone what he has done and let your friends and family judge him for his actions. It’s time you got angry and told him to leave.

No.

He's "worried about losing everyone"? He deserves to.

I am sorry but I think you are fooling yourself. He had an affair, deceived you, and then went on to deceive you again. It sounds like he is only concerned about the impact on his life of everyone knowing he has cheated and him potentially being alone.

There is no way I could ever forgive someone for treating me like that - that is not the actions of someone who loves you.

It is not you who is breaking up your family - it was his actions that have done this.

Sorry but counselling is likely to be a waste of time when he has only ended the relationship because work found out. If he wanted to work on your relationship he could have done that last time he was found out.

I think your being very foolish OP, you will never trust him again and you need to tell your friends and family - he needs to face the consequences of his actions. How old are your children?

His mental health is not in a good place. Bloody convenient way of keeping you under control.

Tell someone in real life because you need the support.

'I'd tried to end it with her but she wouldn't let me'

He's still lying to you OP. This is such a lame-ass evasion of his behaviour. He has no respect for you that he expects you to believe this.

OP, sadly lots of men do continue their affair whilst telling their wife it is over and making their wife do the very hard work of getting past the affair, whilst the H Oh-so-sincerely feels remorse and guilt and tries to make things work too. This is the most disgusting and appalling of deceits and no, I don't think there is any getting past this. And that is because it has revealed to you that he is a skilled and manipulative liar who will is prepared to look you in the face and lie whilst reassuring you he is sincere and telling you the truth. To make you try to recover from an affair whilst continuing the affair - unforgiveable. Utterly, utterly selfish of him.

You have no idea if what he is telling you is true now, do you? Work may not have found out. I doubt that is the reason he is telling you - why would he? You would never find out about the continuing affair from them. I suspect it is more likely that she has threatened to tell you and he is getting in there first, to make it look like he is honest and you will believe him over whatever other future revelations may come out from another source.

You also don't know if they did have this alleged oh-so-special connection. He may just be telling you that to make you think this affair was a unique one off so that you don't need to worry about his finding another oh-so-unique connection.

He is proven liar, so you can't trust anything he says.

All you know is that:

1. He is entirely at ease with lying to your face, consistently and repeatedly over long periods of time
2. He enjoys having affairs and will lie to you to have them
3. Whatever he says to you, he is saying it because he thinks its in his own best interests to do so, not because it is true.

This man has a taste for affairs and a comfort with lying. There are online' 'dating' agencies for men who want affairs - it will be easy for him to continue to have affairs.

You will never again be able to trust what he says.

No, I don't think it is worth even trying to make this marriage work, and I don't think you can succeed in doing so.

Also, just a thought I…but how would you ever be able to be intimate with him again?

I wouldn’t be able to let him near me with a six foot bargepole….even, if he had a six foot… bargepole.

Seriously though. Yuck.

Also…hate to say it but, you’d be wise to get an sti check incase he’s been raw dogging work lady. Who knows what he could have caught.

Our children and 15 and 16. I don’t believe they are aware of any of this. I know they’d hate him if they found out - and I don’t want our children to hate their father. I was brought up to value marriage and honour the vows I made. My father had a brief affair when I was in my twenties and my mother stayed with him - and they seem happy now, so that had given me some hope we could recover from this after I found out the first time.

I am so afraid of telling people in real life and them treating him differently if we stay together. I know they’ll be judging me and him.

Op with all due respect wake up and smell the coffee.
He is lying to you.
He is quite capable of deceiving you, that is a fact.
From what I know about human nature, he is waiting to find his best route. You cannot believe a word he says. I would guarantee that the reason he hasn’t left you is all about the OW. Nothing to do with you. He is biding his time. Maybe she has told him that she doesn’t want him moving in with her. Maybe she has a partner and prefers to stay with her partner. She will be calling the shots.
I agree with previous posters telling you it will be far worse if you stay and break up later on.
I remember the words a friend told her friend:
There will always be some much younger woman willing to shack up with your dh, always. He will most likely leave you for a younger woman, get her pregnant. You will be older, less wealthy, more damaged, fatter, uglier ( however you wish to phrase it. less likely to be seen as datable by societies standards.) Less confident and less likely to be able to move on and recover.

It’s telling that you haven’t felt able to confide in a single sole, why is that?
Is it because you are afraid that they will tell you the truth?

You know the answer OP. It can’t survive as there is no trust left. You deserve better.

I think the hardest thing here isn’t actually the affair. It’s that after you discovered it, watched you struggle and chose to give him another chance, he looked you in the eye for another year and continued lying to you.
And it apparently didn’t end because he chose his marriage — it ended because their employer found out. On top of that, he’s now telling you he loves her and has never experienced a connection like theirs, while asking you to remain his wife. That’s an enormous amount for you to swallow so that he gets to keep his family.
I also wouldn’t accept “I tried to end it but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.” He’s an adult. An affair requires two willing participants. If he genuinely wanted it over, it would have been over.
You don’t need to decide today whether your marriage is finished. But please tell someone. Keeping his secret has left you carrying all of the shame, grief and anxiety alone while protecting him from the consequences of what he did. Pick one person you trust or speak to a counsellor just for you.
If you do stay, I’d make it conditional on actions rather than promises. He’s already demonstrated that his promises aren’t enough. He needs to be completely honest, accept responsibility without blaming the other woman, cut off all non-essential contact with her, be transparent and understand that rebuilding trust could take years.
And please don’t stay solely because you don’t want to ruin your children’s lives or break up the family. You wouldn’t be the person who did that.
You can absolutely survive an affair and some marriages do recover. But you can’t rebuild a marriage while one person is still protecting a fantasy about the affair and the other is desperately trying to pretend everything is okay.
Personally, I’d want some space from him before making any permanent decision. Right now you’re being asked to choose whether to forgive him while you’re still discovering what it is you’re supposed to forgive.

You're very naive (stupid?) if you believe him in my opinion. Is he stringing you along so he doesn't have to pay so much child maintenance etc until the kids are old enough? He'll probably dump you once the kids have left home and you'll be too old to face starting again. Sorry to be brutal, but these sorts of stories come up repeat on here.

This is my third post on this thread on this thread because I can relate to this so much. You are me 5 years ago. All the words you are saying are exactly what I said to myself. I regret staying so much. I look back on that period of my life and feel so sad for the version of me that existed then

He does not love you. No matter how much you want to believe that he does, he just doesn’t. This isn’t how you treat people you love. He saw the pain and torment it caused you the first time the affair was exposed. And despite seeing that, he still willfully chose to continue to put you through that again. Day after day after day. For over a year.

There are so many way he could have shown you love and respect. He could have moved teams. He could have blocked her. He could have been honest. He could have done everything in his power to help you recover. Instead he acted only in HIS own best interest

He is telling you he loves you and going to counselling for his own benefit only, not yours. He doesn’t want to admit even to himself, let alone anyone else that he is that guy. The guy that has an affair. The guy that treats his family with utter contempt. No one wants to be that guy.

He also doesn’t want to face the consequences of blowing his life up. Having to find somewhere to live, to manage on a single income, to juggle childcare and a job. Work finding out has come as shock. He only wants to do those things when he is ready and has had time to plan them. Which he most likely will. He has already told you he loves her.

Please don’t be me. Future you will thank you for choosing yourself