Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

It might hit home then what he has sacrificed for a quick shag.

It's not a quick shag though is it @ChakaKan?
It's a long term relationship with a woman who he says he loves. The lies and deception and the total disregard for his wife is truly disgusting. Much more devastating and cruel than a quick shag.

True but if he was really all in with the OW wouldn’t he have just left? It’s hardly a committed relationship he’s started, he’s still coming home to OP every night.
He’s having the best of both worlds with zero consequences

He is still being dishonest. He has behaved appalling and seems to imagine that you can cope without telling a soul. It is a completely unfair expectation. Why is he doing this? So he hasn't have to acknowledge the weight of his behavior? So rather than that he will just get you to bear the weight in silence and solitude. You need to find some people to talk to, his boss knows, other people at his work will know. It isn't a huge secret anymore so why shouldn't you get support. If he actually thought or cared about you he would encourage you to get support and care from others.

No doubt there are many reasons why he hasn't left. The fact he doesn't want him self revealed as a cheating husband to his children, his wider family and friends is obviously a big factor. As will be not wanting to take the financial hit of a divorce and the subsequent adjustments to his life style. You can be perfectly sure he is still with OP because it benefits him atm.

Sort of. My wife had an affair with a man from her work for a year until I found out.
I knew something was wrong as her attitude at home was awful during that time. When I found out why her tension released but it still wasnt a pleasant place to be. I decided we needed to get divorced and we both started looking at options. We have two kids and wanted minimal disruption.
There was no way I could go through that alone. I had two friends I told who I knew would not judge or impose opinions. One is my oldest and closest childhood friend of almost 40 years who incidentally introduced me to my wife over 20 years ago shes also my wifes best friend. She dropped everything she had and was there for me to listen and offer practical advice. Her husband too knows as I am very close with him and knew he would not judge.
I also told a close friend who has always been there for me and I for him because again I knew there would just be support.
My wife during the time after I found out was lighter and less stressed with not keeping a huge secret anymore. But blamed everything else for the affair. We actually got along once we realised we were done. Then came the day I did something sitcom worthy silly and had to tell her as I always aim to make her laugh or smile. And it did make her laugh. My daughter was with her and she knew about the affair. She said it looked like her mum just broke mentally. She was laughing and crying repeatedly.
That night she told me everything that happened without blame or holding back. She accepted full responsibility and realised what she had done. We started talking and slowly realised we were worth one more shot.
Here we are quite some time later and happy.
I still get those images flashing into my head and it hurts.
I know my wife will never see him again. He no longer works for the same place and it is not possible for him to ever do so. Over time my wifes feelings for him became revulsion. She showed me all the messages and looking through it like that there were clear manipulation and later threats. His last message was he was going to take a whole pack of pills if she didnt see him. She blocked him straight after that message.
It absolutly sucks but you need people around you to help. Keeping it to yourself is not good for you or whatever relationship you try and salvage as there is zero accountability.
Both people I have told have spoken with my wife. They are all still friends but it is clear that now they know she had a lot of work to build back that level of friendship. I definitely would not have been able to get through thise times I spiraled without support from them.

I’m starting to believe with every reply that this isn’t a real thread. Your replies are so goading and ridiculous.

You say you hate her because she’s done this to your family. Correction, he did this to your family so how about you hate him instead. She doesn’t know you and owes you nothing.

Hold the right and person accountable.

Because his work has found out and he’s going to be investigated and probably going to be fired.

@ThatDeepOceanwny are you still engaging ? You called if we thought it would work out and should you stay ? Everyone said no - you ignored that because you love him. Do you think he loved you when he was shagging someone else ?

No . He did this. He whipped his pants down (repeatedly) all by himself. No one coerced him. He was happy having his cake and eating it until he was caught out.

Sorry but your husband has made you ill, not her. You're blaming the wrong person. I can see why, because you're hoping to get over this, but your husband made the promises to you and he needs to take responsibility and stop blaming her, and stop encouraging you to do so aswell.

Thank you all for the replies. I have read them all. I am not going to make any rash decisions regarding the future as I am very torn over what to do currently. I love my husband and I believe he does love me too (despite his love for another woman and his behaviour over the past couple of years), and I do believe he is remorseful. However, I do not know whether I’ll be able to move forward past this betrayal and forgive him - I guess only time will tell.

I, of course, would tell my daughter to run a mile if she were in this situation (and my son in fact) but it is so difficult when you’re in it with all of the shared history, love and intertwined lives to see things objectively.

I am meeting up with a friend this afternoon so I will tell her some of what has happened. She is not a mutual friend so I trust her to have a more unbiased view (and also trust her not to gossip).

I can assure you this is 100% my reality right now sadly.

OP, I'm sorry but clearly you are nothing more than a 'gullible doormat'.
You believe everything DH tells you. You say you hate the OM because she enticed DH back ... that's BS. You know and so does everyone else on this thread. He never intended giving her up despite promising you. In fact he probably knows you are going to do nothing so he can get away with it.

And now the company has found out, that's another problem. Clearly he's only told you because he's obviously on thin ice with his company. He's the one they moved not her so clearly she's better at her job. If he was sincere about leaving her he'd be looking for a new job.

You say the kids don't know, what happens when they find out, and they will. You say they'll probably hate him, they'll probably grow to hate you as well for letting it happen and doing nothing. In fact your just reinforcing your husband's behaviour to your kids and telling them its OK.

You need to get out now for the sake of not just you but also your children. You need to get rid and start telling your friends and family why - because he had an affair and clearly chose the other woman over you because he didn't stop it. He needs to be held accountable and people need to see his true colours.

"I am meeting up with a friend this afternoon so I will tell her some of what has happened. She is not a mutual friend so I trust her to have a more unbiased view (and also trust her not to gossip)."

Very glad to hear this.

I also recommend again SurvivingInfidelity: they are pro-reconciliation but also very clued in when a cheater is truly remorseful or just manipulating the betrayed spouse further.

Just seen your update OP.

I think talking to your friend this afternoon is a very positive step. Hopefully she will give you support and help you clarify things in your mind.

@ThatDeepOcean - great to hear that you're going to talk to a friend. I think that will start you thinking more clearly. I hope it will also be the start of you rediscovering yourself and who you are because that seems vital.

And if your H presses for confirmation from you on whether or not you're going to stay with him, please tell him that you are still processing and not yet able to make a decision and he will just have to live with the uncertainty in the meantime. He created this situation and it is a perfectly appropriate consequence. Do NOT let him push you into an early decision (but also remember that, if you do initially decide to stay, you are allowed to change your mind if you realise the trust and relationship have been destroyed beyond repair and staying is unworkable).

Honestly why do you even want to make this work.

He is literally showing you the worst parts of himself and you are still not willing to look at him how he is not how you would like him to be.

There does need to be a degree of discernment included in seeing the best in people.

We cannot always chose to look at things in one way and ignore the information that is contradictory, that is not being hopeful @ThatDeepOcean it is being foolish.

You know that.

Come on op! You must know that he is only remorseful and saying all the things he knows you want to hear because he’s been found out! If the affair had remained a secret he would have continued lying and cheating. Now he is mainly concerned with containing the damage to his ‘reputation’. I don’t really think he is taking on board your devastation at all.

I think OP is very much leaning towards staying with him. Only she knows what she’s prepared to put up with. 🤷‍♀️

I mentioned earlier and I completely believe that he is stringing her along for financial reasons and will dump her the day the youngest child turns 18. She's going to regret believing his baloney.

You make a good point and it makes me think that a great deal of painful unpicking will have to be done if she does opt to stay. Because this not seeing the reality of each other is no doubt bound up in the lack of honest connection between them and how this DH has gone all in with this other women for so long. The love she talks about in the marriage is based on illusions and lies, which will continue to corrupt and cause pain if they still can't be honest with themselves and others and want to sweep it under the carpet and carry on kidding themselves it's this other woman's fault and the DH never want it etc.

But it's a good step that OP is talking to a friend IRL. Really hope that helps with the path to start making it real and taking the curse of that fear-based approach. The more help OP gets for herself, the less she can centre his lies and gain the strength and freedom to see things more clearly and make some choices.

I mean... he's been a willing participant, OP. She didn't force him to shag her repeatedly, I'm guessing. He wanted to.

You're giving him a pass. He's the one who made the choice to cheat on you, not caring about your health in any way.

Sometimes people know they don’t deserve what they’ve been put through but they are scared of the unknown and that’s what keeps them in the relationship. OP has only ever known her DH and their life. It’s scary not knowing how the future will look if she left. And I think other than love, that’s what keeps people in these relationships.

I personally think OP needs to divorce and deserves better. But I get why it’s hard, especially if you have low self esteem or can’t imagine surviving without this man

Perhaps therapy would be good whilst this is going on and I hope you have the strength to leave x