Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

Marriages can and do survive infidelity. Everyone says they would walk out immediately if their spouse was cheating, but in reality many stay and some make it work, even if the relationship is never the same again.

However, it's one thing for a person to cheat, be genuinely contrite and never do it again. Quite another for the person to cheat multiple times. That's what your husband has done. You've given him the benefit of the doubt. There is now no longer any doubt about what a crap husband he is. He's not going to change, so either you put it up with him being a cheat or you leave. There is no other choice.

I mean living a double life and lying to people all the time is bad for your mental health but he dug his own grave with that so I have no sympathy. Genuinely if you really want to stay with him do it but from the sounds of it he takes you for an absolute mug and he probably will do it again.

Come on OP where is your self respect ?
100% he will ditch you in the future when it’s a more convenient time for him. Best get saving for that now if you’re going to insist on staying with him because if his ‘mental health’

When he says he loves you and wants to keep your marriage, why do you believe him? He has already shown you who he is: a liar who banks on your need to believe that his lies are the truth. Even if this affair ends (and there's no reason why they can't carry it on away from work), he will soon find another. That is what men like him do. He hasn't been acting out of character here. This IS his character.

Why is it your job to cover up for him? If his children learn what he has done and think less of him for that, how is it your fault? He has done so many things wrong; you have done nothing wrong, and yet you blame yourself?

Let him reap the consequences of what he has sowed. Stop protecting him at your own expense.

Are you financially self sufficient OP . I can not help thinking your DC are not far off 18 and he may be biding his time ?

Im sorry but the one thing he has shown you is that he can not be trusted

I am so sorry - you deserve so much more .

Thanks again for all of the replies and support. I have read them all. Financially I would be fine if I left him. But he is all I’ve ever known. I do genuinely believe this is the first time he has done anything like this too.

But I am also incredibly fearful of the future and whether I’ll be able to overcome the trauma this has caused me.

How close are you to your mum ? do you feel able to have a frank conversation with her ?

But surely he’s not in the same role anymore, so what motivation does he have to not continue now? This wouldn’t be acceptable. There are always career changes. My marriage is worth more than some job always. But anyway, no way could I be with someone who loved someone else more than me and said that to my face. There is just no going forward after that.

OP, I am sorry this happened to you. It is the worst thing a person can suffer. I have been through the same. 3 years later we are still together. His affair lasted only a few months. But the damage was done. He had seen various therapists, and he swears he does not even think of her in that way anymore. They still work together. He only speaks to her if it is work related, according to him.
Now.
Here comes the shit part.
I do not believe a word he is saying. But his actions is telling me it is the truth. When I will start believing him again, I do not know.
If I was in a financial position to leave, I would have long ago.

Things between us are going well to be honest. We have weekly "dates" where we spend time away from home and only the 2 of us.
I never bother to check his phone anymore. I am done with pain shopping.
Our friends know, Our families know, our kids know, our employers know.
EVERYBODY knows. I made sure of that.

I even shared messages from the AP's husband (where he informed me of the affair between his wife and my husband) with the AP's Facebook friends. I did not and do not care who knows what cuntmuffins they are.
I am 10000% focusing on myself first.

Thankfully our kids are older - 18 + 20. But they still love their dad. Don't be mistaken, they were furious and disappointed (i can still see it in their eyes).
If I want to do something alone, I do it. I do not ask for permission, or give full details of where I am going and who (if someone is joining me on my outings).
He was quite taken aback when I refused to invite his sister to join me on an outing this past Saturday.
I even send flowers to myself and don't tell him who it is from. I don't care.
It is for YOU, and only YOU to decide what you want from this life.
I hope you find peace and healing, and if you decide to stay, I wish you the best.
This journey is not an easy one.

I think your mother set the wrong example.

The only reason his mental health is poor and he is saying he wants to stay and loves you is because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. His actions are not those of a loving partner. Men who love you do not cheat.....and then carry on cheating but only tell you about it because they got caught and are worried you'd find out because it's impacted their job now.

Why don't you want your children to dislike him? He is a repulsive, cheat. Do you want your dd to settle for a cheating partner. Are you not heartbroken by his betrayal. You seem to be carrying all the shame for this with your comments about how you believe you should honour the vows you made. The problem is he didn't and doesn't honour them op.

Contrarily to the radical you must leave him view on mumsnet I think it could possibly work.. who knows? But I really think you would be best to force yourself to take control of your own life in the meantime .worrying about what he’s up to and breaking your heart won’t help. Force yourself to not be bothered Concentrate on whatever else makes you happy, build up your confidence and social lfe. Feel more independent and then take stock. I bet he will be in awe of the new you. Not that you should do it for that reason, do it for yourself.

Lots of advice and support from others going through this exact thing on Surviving Infidelity website. There are several forums - Just found out, Reconciliation, and uniquely one for the cheaters, which is eye opening! He is describing both Cake Eating and Limerance - wants the best of both worlds, and feels he is "in love" with her and missing her terribly.
Which is absurd, because he is in love with a concept, not real life, and mainly it fulfils his need for validation, his lack of self worth. She could be anyone.

Take a look at the site - there is genuinely good advice at the top of each topic, a bit like a Mumsnet dedicated to infidelity. You will see plainly that "the script" cheaters use is so, so common, predictable even. Forewarned is forearmed. If nothing else, it's a survival guide for the next few months and will help you come to a decision. Take your time with that, and set firm boundaries for this interim period. I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation, and regardless of if you stay together or not, emotionally it is going to be really hard, but you CAN get through this. It's a complete mindfuck, but that site is invaluable for practical and emotional advice. Final words, It's not you. It's HIM. Don't fall for the "he wasn't having his needs met" crap x

So sorry for what you're going through

Imo if a marriage is going through a bad patch and one strays but then regrets it and had no feelings for the other person then it is redeemable. Unfortunately your husband has unkindly told you about their fabulous connection and that he loves her. I think that will eat away at you. So yes, marriages can possibly recover if the cheat really regrets it but not if they just worry about how damaging it will be for their lifestyle to split.

Are you financially dependent on him?

My parents married very young (18 and 20) and there was infidelity on both sides, but much more so on my dad's. Their marriage ultimately ended in divorce when my mum kicked him out. My sister and I were young adults by then but were relieved. After the initial turmoil of the divorce, mum and dad were able to be friends fine; mum remarried several years later and dad used to visit my mum and stepdad occasionally and they would also stay with him.

Your problem is that once the affair line has been crossed, it is so, so easy for it to be crossed again. You know you cannot trust your H. He has proved it twice. So, overall no - I don't think your marriage can be salvaged. He didn't care enough about you to stop the affair first time - he now says it's over but only because he got into trouble with his boss.

Look - you don't have to make a decision now. You're obviously not ready to do so. So just don't. And tell him you're not ready to make a decision yet and he will just have to live with the uncertainty - he has caused this, not you.

But I suggest that you ask him to move into a different bedroom if you can (tell the children he's snoring or something) and start concentrating on what you like and what interests you. Don't think of it as you pushing him into her arms - he's already shown that if he wants to go to her, he will do so, irrespective of anything you're doing or not doing.

If your children are 15 and 16, they will be pretty independent. Focus on yourself for a bit. Take your H out of the equation. You need to rediscover yourself. The more you rediscover yourself, the more you will trust that you can deal with whatever is ahead - whether it's continuing in the marriage or divorce.

What interests you? Cinema/theatre/night classes/choir/travel/seeing friends? Anything. Identify things which interest you/which you enjoy doing and go and do them. Without your H.

At the moment, he's convinced he can treat you however the hell he likes and you will suck it up. He doesn't think of you as a separate person. Show him and yourself (mainly yourself) that you are an independent, adult woman with her own life and interests and you will live that life the way that works best for her. Screw him. It's your time now. And yes, you should confide in someone. You need that outlet. It will help you think more clearly and make better decisions.

And if, in due course, you decide you need to divorce, your children will get over it. My sister and I felt loyalty to mum but we have a great relationship with our dad and mum was always very happy for that to be the case. Your children are old enough to understand that what happens in your marriage to their father is a separate thing to your and his relationships with them. Don't make them the reason you stay - it's an excuse and it's not fair on them.

He’s afraid of losing the cushty home set up he has. Leave him OP. You’ll be so much happier.

I separated when my DD was 2 for the same reason. They really don’t change, men like this.

It might be the ‘first time’, but he didn’t only do it once. He knew how much he’d destroyed you by having an affair, and then he carried on doing it. How can that possibly be forgivable?

He has done nothing that should convince you he wouldn’t rekindle this affair at the drop of a hat if the opportunity arose. He is with you because it is convenient OP. My story is similar in that I had teenage kids and the decision was made to keep his sordid little secret. I told no one, not even my sister, until ten years later when I couldn’t stand the toxicity that had consumed our lives any more.
Please send him packing. In my experience it’s the only way you’ll find any peace of mind.

Sooner or later he is going to leave you for this woman. He loves her.

Hard as it is I would try to find some inner strength and tell him to go. You must see that your marriage is over. You will look back on this in years to come and berate yourself for clinging on to a man who wants someone else.

This isn't a brief affair, it's a serious long term one. It only finished because of work. Your DH was quite happy to keep on lying to you.

I would wonder if he was staying with you for purely financial reasons.

I think you desperately need therapy to build your own sense of self and confidence. Then you can make decisions for your benefit in the future.

I would have no confidence that this affair wouldn't restart as soon as possible or another one. Given that you stay with him why wouldn't he have his cake and eat it on repeat?

"He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her"

Lies, deceit and lack of trust forever more aside I am not sure I could ever be with someone who said this to me. Sounds like this is the only honest thing he has told you @ThatDeepOcean and it's not good is it?

He isn't all you've ever known though as you sadly don't know him at all if he's a liar and a cheat. I'd bet this is just thr first time he's been caught. Cheats always have form.

If you'd be financially fine I'd just kick him out. He loves another woman there's no coming back from that.

Honestly, no. The behaviour you have described would have irrevocably broken what a marriage means to me.

You have mentioned concerns for his mental health if you leave, but what about your mental health if you stay?

Oh jeez. Come on op. Please for your own sake, and the future happiness of you and your kids, develop some self esteem/raise your bar, etc, etc, and get rid of this man. It will eat away at you if you don’t. He’s a lying cheater, and always will be. He said he loves her, ffs. You are second best, an easy life, less hassle and less expense than a split. That’s it. Surely you can’t live with that?

You will have to overcome the trauma of the original affair and then the continued affair regardless of whether you are with him or not. However, you either try and overcome trauma whilst being surrounded by the very person who has caused the trauma AND whilst prioritising their feelings over your own, or you do it independently and with physical and emotional space from him. From everything you’ve said, his feelings are currently being prioritised. Concern for his mental health, no accountability because it’s the affair partners fault the relationship didn’t end and nobody in his life knows what happens, he gets to have an affair and keep his family. And what are you left with, OP? No support system, shattered mental health, an extremely unhappy and unhealthy marriage, and lasting trauma.

I don’t think any soldier has ever processed and overcome PTSD whilst still at war, OP, and neither will you.

No my lovely it cant work out. Nearly word for word your post echos what ive been through the last year. Exactly the same scenario work colleague emotional affair which i found out, i had awful anxiety knowing he was still around her at work it all got downplayed, he told me he had cut her off but just carried it on. He carried on being in touch with her and it led to a full on physical affair and it all got exposed and i got humiliated. Im so sorry your in this position, it truly is the worst thing ive ever been through in my life. I want to send you a hug 🫂 I am here for you as are others but you need to be strong and to focus on yourself and walk away from this shit. Don't waste any more time, the damage is done the moment they cross boundaries and get involved with ow. Im so sorry, I felt emotional reading your post as I truly understand. 😔 🫂🫂 let the ow have him, let her put up with a relationship built on lies and secrecy that likely wont last xxx