Page 19 | Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

ThatDeepOcean · 2026-09-01T11:13:09+00:00

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this. In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage. Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended. Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

Notonthestairs · 02/09/2026 14:29

Glad to read you’ve decided to confide in a trusted friend - speaking it out loud will be good for you. You’ve dealt with this for 16 months on your own, it must be very lonely.

From this side of the screen it’s very easy to see that he’s done a number on you. As an earlier poster commented, he’s trapped you in to holding everything together and absorbing the responsibility for your family, even whilst he was taking advantage of your trust and hope.

OnwardsUpwardsTowards · 02/09/2026 15:00

Unfortunately, it really depends on the one who cheated. All the betrayed can and should do, is to take care of ourselves.

Sadly I learnt about it too late.

Omgblueskys · 02/09/2026 15:15

Op i understand why you haven't told a friend yet because it makes it real, real were you'll have to make decisions op, that's why you haven't told anyone yet, ' till today maybe'

Of course you love him, that was never in question was it,
Him loving you is, at what price op, your dignity, your self-esteem self respect,

I do hope your friend gives you advice, after a hug 💐

MarthaLovesLaughing · 02/09/2026 15:34

ThatDeepOcean · 01/09/2026 21:47

I contacted the OW on both occasions - she didn’t reply either time. But then I didn’t ask her anything or try to get her side of the story, it was mainly me venting my anger at her. I hate her for what she’s done to me my and my family - she was never his to begin with and she has destroyed me and made me ill.

I think you'll find it takes 2. You are determined to excuse your husband. Who is an absolute cunt.

I'm out of here. This thread is extremely odd

starlight48 · 02/09/2026 16:31

Dear OP
Putting you in my prayers
This is a tremendously painful and conflicted time,
only you truly know what's best.
I've been there and understand how traumatic it is
If you opt to stay, start to explore options to enable you to flourish regardless, consider financial advice, setting up trusts or property in your children's names, check your finances and what might have been spent out of household funds on "true love", keep records, and cut back on running every aspect of the home, let him do his laundry, lunches, topping up essentials, pull away slowly an d see if actionsalign with words

Missey85 · 02/09/2026 16:47

DadBodAlready · 02/09/2026 12:40

OP, I'm sorry but clearly you are nothing more than a 'gullible doormat'.
You believe everything DH tells you. You say you hate the OM because she enticed DH back ... that's BS. You know and so does everyone else on this thread. He never intended giving her up despite promising you. In fact he probably knows you are going to do nothing so he can get away with it.

And now the company has found out, that's another problem. Clearly he's only told you because he's obviously on thin ice with his company. He's the one they moved not her so clearly she's better at her job. If he was sincere about leaving her he'd be looking for a new job.

You say the kids don't know, what happens when they find out, and they will. You say they'll probably hate him, they'll probably grow to hate you as well for letting it happen and doing nothing. In fact your just reinforcing your husband's behaviour to your kids and telling them its OK.

You need to get out now for the sake of not just you but also your children. You need to get rid and start telling your friends and family why - because he had an affair and clearly chose the other woman over you because he didn't stop it. He needs to be held accountable and people need to see his true colours.

Everyone always says the kids don't know in these situations but kids aren't stupid they know what's going on OP is teaching them that their father can do anything and she'll just apologise for him it's pathetic really

SeraphinaRainbird · 02/09/2026 17:36

When I was going through a similar thing I hung on for about a year. Now I wish I had chucked him out the day he told me.
That was 1992, and after all these years, when we see each other we’re genuinely happy to be together again . We live 100 miles apart and it’s only at family occasions. He’s on his 3rd marriage, and I am widowed after the happiest of marriages. I still wouldn’t trust my ex though, even though I feel affection for him. His wife is welcome to him !

Sodthesystem · 02/09/2026 17:43

Missey85 · 02/09/2026 16:47

Everyone always says the kids don't know in these situations but kids aren't stupid they know what's going on OP is teaching them that their father can do anything and she'll just apologise for him it's pathetic really

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Yeah to be fair by 15 or 16 you can read the room. Gonna be pretty evendent there’s an atmosphere. And probably that he’s done something bad. And really, there’s only so many things that could be. A couple of weeks, maybe a few months and they’ll probably have worked it out. That’s if they haven’t overheard the conversations already.

I think even at fifteen if I knew this was the second time, I’d tell my mum to leave him. I mean, he’s betrayed the whole family, not just her.

NiftyKoala · 02/09/2026 18:32

Missey85 · 02/09/2026 16:47

Everyone always says the kids don't know in these situations but kids aren't stupid they know what's going on OP is teaching them that their father can do anything and she'll just apologise for him it's pathetic really

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I was that kid and trust me me and my siblings knew. So this goes three ways either the kids then allow someone to treat them this way because it's normal. They themselves treat someone like this. Or they go so far to be NOT put a relationship over their children and take it too far. As far as I am concerned OP is just as bad as the husband for having her children live this way. Especially at their ages.

Walkaround · 02/09/2026 19:05

ThatDeepOcean · 01/09/2026 19:50

Thanks for all of the replies, and those who have shared similar experiences.

I will have a think about telling a trusted friend. I just don’t want to become the object of the local gossip - we live in a small community.

He told the OW that he would never leave me for her, so I don’t know why she carried it on.

I do truly believe his head isn’t in a good place - she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it. He says he just wanted to keep everyone happy.

I do want to see if we can work through this - but appreciate it may be futile. Good to know there are some people who have managed to successfully rebuild after betrayal.

I had finally stopped feeling the urge to ask him about her and their affair every day for that first year. And now I feel like I’m back to square one.

Do you really believe all that bullshit about him trying to end it, that he told her he would never leave you for her, and that he “just wanted to keep everyone happy”?! 🤮🤮 He doesn’t care one iota what you think, because he knows you’re the patsy who won’t leave him and who will believe his lies however outrageous. The only thing that has stopped it is that work found out - he doesn’t care enough about her to harm his career and doesn’t care enough about you to end his affair. The only thing he cares about is his reputation.

Sodthesystem · 02/09/2026 19:09

Tbh…I don’t really get it…

I mean I get that the unknown is scary. But, the kids are old enough to be fine, and I think I said she’d be fine financially if they split right?

I don’t really understand wanting to stay…

I mean maybe the first time because you still have love…but how could you love someone who has betrayed you so completely for a second time… that wouldn’t be love anymore…it would be martyrdom, self hatred, surely? Some sort of trauma bond?

Or some fear of the what ifs…

But I can’t think of any worse what if than shoving all this under the rug again and spending my whole life frightened it would spill back out, living in a house with a man I can’t trust who makes himself a victim, just waiting in him to stab me in the back again. As all our friends cotton on one by one and pity me behind my back. “Poor woman, hasn’t left him, thinks he will change”.

I mean...may that sort of “love” never find me.

NiftyKoala · 02/09/2026 19:21

I cannot imagine how horrible to stay with this man who clearly lies and is not going to stop cheating. Wondering everytime hes on the phone or walks out the door. All the things he's said are as my boss says straight from the married man's guide to cheating. Sadly he will leave her. Most likely for a woman unlike op that actually has self esteem and will put her foot down.

Missey85 · 03/09/2026 06:28

Sodthesystem · 02/09/2026 19:09

Tbh…I don’t really get it…

I mean I get that the unknown is scary. But, the kids are old enough to be fine, and I think I said she’d be fine financially if they split right?

I don’t really understand wanting to stay…

I mean maybe the first time because you still have love…but how could you love someone who has betrayed you so completely for a second time… that wouldn’t be love anymore…it would be martyrdom, self hatred, surely? Some sort of trauma bond?

Or some fear of the what ifs…

But I can’t think of any worse what if than shoving all this under the rug again and spending my whole life frightened it would spill back out, living in a house with a man I can’t trust who makes himself a victim, just waiting in him to stab me in the back again. As all our friends cotton on one by one and pity me behind my back. “Poor woman, hasn’t left him, thinks he will change”.

I mean...may that sort of “love” never find me.

Post like this make me glad I'm single I could never put up with a lying, cheating bastard once let alone let him get away with it twice

Sassylovesbooks · 03/09/2026 11:19

Oh my lovely, I wasn't married to my ex but he cheated once, and I chose to stay because I loved him and wanted us to 'work through our issues'. My ex just continued to cheat....my decision to stay, made him believe I'd put up with any old shit he threw at me (metaphorically!).

Your husband lied. He told you he'd ended the affair, but in fact hadn't. Of course the only reason it ended was because his employer discovered the affair. Can you really believe that he's truly ended the affair? No. You know the saying 'you know he's lying, because he opened his mouth'. Sadly, this is true for your husband.

You don't deserve to be treated this way. Even if the affair has ended, he'll find someone else to cheat on you with. Fundamentally, your husband doesn't love you, and there's no respect either. End the marriage, he's not the man you thought he was.

HollyhocksandPeons · 03/09/2026 11:44

Are you living in a Moslem marriage, where it is permitted to have several wives? If not, throw this piece of shit out, on his arse.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/09/2026 11:56

ThatDeepOcean · 01/09/2026 20:48

I truly don’t think his motivations for staying with me are financial. He is primarily concerned with hurting our children and wider family, being judged by and losing friends and family.

He is transparent with his phone and his location - no longer blocking the OW or deleting messages. He has had to have work-related contact with her in recent weeks but not in person. He has been open with me about this. It is mainly phone calls so I realise I do not actually know what they talk about. But I have to trust that he’s telling me the truth if I’m going to try to make this work.

I do hear the resounding common reply on this thread - that I’m a fool for even considering staying with him. I just don’t want to lose our current family set up - the thought terrifies me.

I was sure after I found out the first time that if he did it again I’d get rid - and yet here I am, still with him, still wanting to believe he can change, that he means it this time.

He is primarily concerned with hurting our children and wider family, being judged by and losing friends and family.

But not so concerned that he kept his trousers zipped.

Everything that happens now, judgement, hurting the kids, is all his fault.

He didn't care about not hurting you.

SweatySpider321 · 03/09/2026 16:35

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/09/2026 11:56

He is primarily concerned with hurting our children and wider family, being judged by and losing friends and family.

But not so concerned that he kept his trousers zipped.

Everything that happens now, judgement, hurting the kids, is all his fault.

He didn't care about not hurting you.

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There’s no mention about you. Especially loving you, feeling guilty, letting you down, lying to you etc

MarthaLovesLaughing · 04/09/2026 05:49

How are you doing @ThatDeepOcean

What have you decided to do?

Potatoespotaarrrrtos · 04/09/2026 06:35

MarthaLovesLaughing · 04/09/2026 05:49

How are you doing @ThatDeepOcean

What have you decided to do?

I doubt she will be back reading the replies on here. And who can blame her. She’s trying to navigate one of the most difficult periods of her life and there are posters who deliberately twist the knife, for some reason thinking this will shake her up and sort it out, but actually it’s just cruel.

And then there are the posters who always rush to these threads to shout ‘misogyny’ when any mention of dislike for the OW comes up, because for some bizarre reason, which I can’t get my head around, betrayed women, who were just moving through their lives, holding their families together when this shit falls on them, going through PTSD; associated with this trauma are held to a MUCH higher moral and ethical standard than the woman who sleeps with the husbands

It seems that OW owe the betrayed nothing but betrayed you owe the OW magnanimy and respect!

I hope anyone who is trying to work through reconciliation ignores MN completely and heads to surviving infidelity, they may advise in the same way BUT messages will be delivered with empathy and compassion.

MarthaLovesLaughing · 04/09/2026 08:11

@Potatoespotaarrrrtos.....how kind of you to help all of us with our posting boundaries

ThatCyanCat · 04/09/2026 09:35

It seems that OW owe the betrayed nothing but betrayed you owe the OW magnanimy and respect!

Truly got no idea where you got that from. Nobody's suggested anything like that. They've just noted that he's the betrayer, not her, so the blame needs to go where it belongs. You can't betray a promise you didn't make.

If you can't trust your partner, that's the problem. You already knew he could potentially find someone else; that's why you made an agreement that neither of you would.

SlugJam · 04/09/2026 12:06

Potatoespotaarrrrtos · 04/09/2026 06:35

I doubt she will be back reading the replies on here. And who can blame her. She’s trying to navigate one of the most difficult periods of her life and there are posters who deliberately twist the knife, for some reason thinking this will shake her up and sort it out, but actually it’s just cruel.

And then there are the posters who always rush to these threads to shout ‘misogyny’ when any mention of dislike for the OW comes up, because for some bizarre reason, which I can’t get my head around, betrayed women, who were just moving through their lives, holding their families together when this shit falls on them, going through PTSD; associated with this trauma are held to a MUCH higher moral and ethical standard than the woman who sleeps with the husbands

It seems that OW owe the betrayed nothing but betrayed you owe the OW magnanimy and respect!

I hope anyone who is trying to work through reconciliation ignores MN completely and heads to surviving infidelity, they may advise in the same way BUT messages will be delivered with empathy and compassion.

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Absolute hyperbole. No one has said that the OW is owed anything at all, anywhere on this thread.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 04/09/2026 23:10

Potatoespotaarrrrtos · 04/09/2026 06:35

I doubt she will be back reading the replies on here. And who can blame her. She’s trying to navigate one of the most difficult periods of her life and there are posters who deliberately twist the knife, for some reason thinking this will shake her up and sort it out, but actually it’s just cruel.

And then there are the posters who always rush to these threads to shout ‘misogyny’ when any mention of dislike for the OW comes up, because for some bizarre reason, which I can’t get my head around, betrayed women, who were just moving through their lives, holding their families together when this shit falls on them, going through PTSD; associated with this trauma are held to a MUCH higher moral and ethical standard than the woman who sleeps with the husbands

It seems that OW owe the betrayed nothing but betrayed you owe the OW magnanimy and respect!

I hope anyone who is trying to work through reconciliation ignores MN completely and heads to surviving infidelity, they may advise in the same way BUT messages will be delivered with empathy and compassion.

Show quote history

And then there are the posters who always rush to these threads to shout ‘misogyny’ when any mention of dislike for the OW comes up, because for some bizarre reason, which I can’t get my head around, betrayed women, who were just moving through their lives, holding their families together when this shit falls on them, going through PTSD; associated with this trauma are held to a MUCH higher moral and ethical standard than the woman who sleeps with the husbands

Your reading comprehension is extremely poor.

Not one person has told OP that she must be kind to the OW.

Plenty of people have told her to blame her oathbreaking lying husband for his decision to cheat. Blaming the OW is failing to blame him. Is the cheating husband a child without agency, that he has to do what others tell him to? No!

Blaming a woman for what a man does is always both misogyny and misandry. It's misogyny by making women take the blame for the actions of grown-ass adult men, and it's misandry because it treats grown-ass adult men like they are little children who can't make their own decisions.

You don't fix your PTSD by lying to yourself about who actually hurt you.

2chocolateoranges · 13/09/2026 20:23

ThatDeepOcean · 02/09/2026 12:36

Thank you all for the replies. I have read them all. I am not going to make any rash decisions regarding the future as I am very torn over what to do currently. I love my husband and I believe he does love me too (despite his love for another woman and his behaviour over the past couple of years), and I do believe he is remorseful. However, I do not know whether I’ll be able to move forward past this betrayal and forgive him - I guess only time will tell.

I, of course, would tell my daughter to run a mile if she were in this situation (and my son in fact) but it is so difficult when you’re in it with all of the shared history, love and intertwined lives to see things objectively.

I am meeting up with a friend this afternoon so I will tell her some of what has happened. She is not a mutual friend so I trust her to have a more unbiased view (and also trust her not to gossip).

I’m sorry but someone who truly loves you doesn’t lie and cheat.

hes had his head turned, he’s lied, he’s carried on the affair, he is now taking the piss out of you and you are allowing it, you will always be wondering where he is, who he is with and what he is doing.

fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice , shame on me!