Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

No

Your cheating scumbag of a husband is the one responsible for tearing your family apart, not you.

Divorce the liar. He's dishonoured his vows to you and put you at risk of STIs. He's put his kids at risk of a half-sibling by the other woman.

He doesn't value your marriage, so why should you?

“I was bought up to value my marriage and honour the vows I made.”

Well your husband sure didn’t do this. He’s done nothing but lie to you and disrespect you and your marriage. If you chose to stay you are just telling him that he is allowed to treat you like dirt and you will still not leave. Believe me he will continue to stray.

You say your dad cheated and your mum stayed and they seem happy. Seem being the most important word. You have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors, if your dad is still being unfaithful and if your mum is truly happy.

This isn’t the 1950s, women do not need to depend on a man or put up with being cheated on or treated like dirt. We are given but one short life why would you waste it in this sham of a marriage.

Set a better example for your children for what a healthy and happy relationship is. Because you clearly weren’t set one.

@Mapleunicorn - thank you for sharing your story. And I’m sorry you’ve also been through this. The similarities are striking. Did you have children together?

Listen if it was just the first part of your story where he cheated and then came clean I’d be saying something different. Even if it had been a longer affair there might still have been hope if he’d left the job then and there and been completely transparent with you.

But this guy didn’t do any of that. He kept sleeping with her and lying to you. And he still would be if his job hadn’t found out and deemed it so wholly unprofessional that they had to shift his job around (btw, if he gets fired, you’ll be picking up the slack, if you hadn’t realised).

And he STILL isn’t looking for a new job. And rather than be decent, he’s making this all about HIM.

Hes just an awful person op. Im sorry but these aren’t the people you give second chances to. Let alone third.

Can you see what a dreadful example you are providing for your children, I’m sure your mother would be horrified that you have chosen to stay downtrodden in a similar situation she ‘survived’ So don’t be your mother, she had the excuse at least of existing in a time when women generally didn’t do well from separation or divorce. Or stay and watch your children repeat the same cycle in a new generation, choice is yours

They should be judging him! He's behaved despicably. If they judge you then get them out of your life, they aren't your friends. You have done nothing wrong, he has, he should face consequences as a result. Consequences like going down in the esteem of your family and friends are the result of doing something like this. Adult responsibility. Actions etc.

OP, I feel for you. It's rough. But you're married to a liar. He has lied to you so much.

He's probably too comfortable to leave.

Good luck but remember how long he was capable of looking you in the eye and lying to you, every day.

Sorry but you are being a fool and you are letting him make a fool out of you, which neither you or your children deserve. You are also showing your children how/what they must accept in a marriage is that really what you want for them. You really must show this man the door or he will continue to drain your confidence and self esteem. If he truly loved you he would not want the OW so badly. He only continues to cheat on you because he knows he can get away with it. You will make yourself not only physically ill but mentally ill is that the kind of mother you want to be. It is not easy but put the trash out and stop feeling sorry for him you were never in his thoughts when he was shagging his lover. Be strong

OP, can you actually be completely sure that he is telling the truth now? How sure can you be that he's not sitting quiet until the dust settles and he can resume the affair? After all, he's done it once - he may well have only come clean because it was all over work and he thought you'd find out anyway.

Because, if he loves her and she would 'welcome him with open arms', then what's stopping them just waiting until work has settled and then heading off into the sunset together? Would this not hurt you more than taking control now?

His mental health isn't in a good place? What about YOUR mental health?? Does that not matter?

These men are a fucking joke. And he'll continue to please himself and put himself first as long as he's getting away with it.

End your marriage now. It will be hard but you'll be MUCH happier in the long run without a selfish, cheating bastard dragging you down.

He had the opportunity to leave to be with her (she would’ve welcomed him with open arms) but he wanted to remain in our marriage

You are misunderstanding why most men have affairs. Its not to find a new wife or life partner. Its to have an affair. They enjoy the act of affairs. He has not chosen you over her. He has chosen affairs over faithfulness. And he will continue to do so. He has already proved that to you.

It is not your job to hide the person your husband is from your children.

These were his actions and it’s his responsibility to have to answer any questions from his children.

Can you not see how much you’re isolating yourself from everyone in your life but having this huge secret that you won’t talk to anyone about.

Perhaps that is how it went for your parents OP (although there could be much more to it than you know) but the flip side is a case that I know closely where the husband kept ricocheting between the wife and the affair partner for years, destroying her mental health and affecting their children badly for life, he is now married to the OW and the wife is still unable to fully get over it decades on. If she had left earlier, at a younger age and before she'd been so emotionally damaged, her life afterwards might have been very different.

And your husband has told you that he feels more for this other woman than he has EVER felt for you - can you really live with that?

I’m sorry that your mum had to put up with that. And now you are thinking you should too. Her story isn’t some grand love story of endurance against the odds, it’s a tragedy. She deserved better and so do you.

Maybe to his credit, he wasn’t as bad as what your partner has done. Maybe it was a one off night or maybe he came clean and never cheated again. But your circumstances are not that. Your “partner“ is a wrong’un.

He is not a good person or husband. He has continued to lie to you all this time. He only wants to stay in the marriage to have his cake and eat it, i.e. wants all his needs met with no responsibilities. You are his laundress, cleaner, prostitute. She only has good bits. Dump him, tell Everyone including your children. Shout it loud and proud all round.

Get all the paperwork you need quickly. Fill in the Divorce forms after making sure you have half of all the money and he pays the fee. Clear out all of his stuff from any shared rooms and most of all get an STI test. Book counselling for you and your DCs, prepaid before separating the financials.

Op do you not want someone who has you as the center of their world . Your husband has told you he views you as 2nd best and I'm sorry thaybwould bit work for me . You deserve more than this .

Also worth noting.

You say your mums experience hasn’t affected you, but it has. She stayed and tolerated it, and now her child is thinking to do the same. Using her life as an example.

Chances are, she’d be horrified by that.

Would you want your adult child to turn to you one day and tell you they know dad had an affair and you somehow stayed and it worked out, so they’re going to stay with “stabby McJoe” because they “know there’s some good in there somewhere. And, his mental health just isn’t great at the moment. And he only stabbed two people”.

He can't have his cake and eat it. I know it's awful but you and your children will suffer more in the long run. When the children are no longer there to bridge the gap and the truth shouts at you every day, you'll wish you could go back and do something sooner. He needs to leave your house and you need to make sure he covers his share of the finances and child expenses / parenting. It's heartbreaking but the worst has happened, there's nothing left that will hurt more except you trying to bandage a bleeding wound and having it reopened regularly. If he died you would survive - blunt but true i'm sorry, but you would - ultimately your marriage has died. Move on from it for yours and your childrens sakes.

Yes. One DD who was 4 at the time. That was the hardest part of it. I desperately wanted to keep her family intact.

But we are now 5 years down the line, and he is engaged to his affair partner

I am in such a better place now. I have a lovely DP who is so much better suited to me. I always say you can’t see something when you are in it, it’s only when you step out you can see it for what it is. I thought we had a happy marriage but we didn’t. It wasn’t healthy. What I have with DP is what a happy relationship truly looks like.

And I can see XH is much better suited to her too. So whilst the execution was horrific, the outcome was actually the right one.

DD still struggles sometimes with anxiety, but overall she is settled and happy. She loves her step mum and her dad and I have settled into a good co parenting relationship. I even quite like his partner even though she was the OW. In another universe I can see us being friends!

I know it feels overwhelmingly terrifying, but you will survive, and you will build a better life

This is classic Mandy Rice Davies - "well, he would say that, wouldn't he"?

My mum stayed with my dad, he kept going with the affairs even after he was caught.

We were all horrified and mum would never want us to do the same. Yes she seems happy now but it nearly destroyed her at the time.

Please get your finances and paperwork in order and get tested for STIs @

I can't help noticing that OP, and posters on this thread, are assuming that what this man is saying is true. Unless what he is claiming is verified by a third trustworthy party, OP cannot know if anything he says is true.

That's the thing about people who are comfortable with lying as the H has proved himself to be. You literally don't know if any of the narratives or claims or 'facts' they are telling are true, unless you can verify them elsewhere.

He is telling OP things that he feels are in his own best interest to say. Whether they are true or not, OP and no-one here can know.

@ThatDeepOceanyou asked if you were being a fool ? Yes you are. Sorry. What is your housing situation?
Get him out now. It’s his tough shit if your family and friends (and kids) are off with him. This is all HIS fault.
He can’t have two women on the go.
Show him you’re not a doormat.

Well it’s over of course. I’d want to punish him. Ask him to start thinking about which half of every week he wants his children 24/7 for a start.
I’d have little respect for my father too after his behaviour. He also went unpunished it seems.
Raise your standards.