Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

Same for me. My life began when I left ExDP and I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been. He’s still a miserable cunt now married to an equally miserable woman and when I see them I think “thank fuck that’s not my life anymore”.

YABVU if you stay with this man. You deserve so much better.

I think the reason you are not telling anyone, is because that will make it real. At the moment your life is a fantasy - perfect marriage, happy long relationship to the outside wold, but inside its anything but. You are protecting the facade, but that will only make you even more unhappy. You are not protecting your children - trust me - parents staying together for the wrong reasons. Your husband clearly doesn't want to be there, and I'm sorry to say but everytime you lie to everyone, including yourself, to protect him and his image, all you are doing is telling him that he can continue to lie and cheat and you will stay with him. He'll probably stop lying now because he won't need to hide what he's doing. Do you really want to spend your life like that? Waiting for the next affair, or waiting for the day he decides to just leave you for her anyway? You don't need advice OP, because you know what you need to do. I understand that you might find it hard to leave, but I could never advise a woman on how to stay in a toxic relationship with a man who treats her like shit. I suspect he's staying with you for the same reasons that you are staying with him, because its easier and comfortable, not because you love, trust and respect each other.

You keep saying he's told me xyz as if it's proof of any regret or positive change, but this guy is a liar. He's lied to you for YEARS. Even when you found out, he kept on lying and he's lying now because he only cares about himself. He's shown that by his actions. You need to believe what he's done to you, not the bs he spouts about his mental health or other crap excuses for treating you like this. Stop buying his lies and stop acting like you've got anything to be ashamed of or judged for. You've not made this mess. You're the victim of his cheating, and you need to stop listening to him and put yourself first first. Talk to friends IRL, talk to a solicitor and make a plan. If you stay in this marriage, it can carry on indefinitely but he'll destroy you with his cheating and lies. Don't let him.

Husbands who love their wives don’t behave how he has. Not only does he not love you he has no respect for you. He’s shat on you, the marriage and the kids from a great height not once but twice.
Put all his shit in bin bags and leave them in the front garden. That’s what I’d do, but then I’d have done that the first time.

I'm sorry OP.

I agree with PP. I think a marriage can survive after infidelity if someone really works on themselves to find out why they did it, works hard to build the trust back up etc

From what you've said he doesn't want to be married to you but he wants you to end it so that he isn't the bad guy. He will be waiting til your kids have left home, then the impact on them will be less and he won't have to pay maintenance. He can then say you drifted apart etc.

That's why everyone is urging you not to put your heart and soul into saving this marriage with someone who is going to leave you anyway. He has even told you explicitly that he prefers the other woman. He is just biding his time to screw you over.

Please please stop trusting him and start planning your life separately.

My heart goes out to you OP and you are in emotional turmoil.
I don't have any magic solutions.
It might not be the right time to make any firm decisions right now but it's important to consider the impact on you of his long term deceit if you stay together.
A very good friend of mine who had a similar experience and stayed with her husband tells me that she still struggles with her emotions around it all several years later.
I think you need to share this with a very good friend, that would help to relieve some of the pain and isolation.
Take care OP

Sorry you are going through this…. But please don’t be a fool!

Of course he wants to keep things as they are but He didn’t leave her because he wanted you, he left her because his employer found out and you said it yourself…. Another job is not an option.

He has already told you he loves her.

Theres no coming back from this.

Be strong and good luck!

OP, I hope this isn't too harsh.

Yes you are being a fool.
He doesn't love you.
Don't kid yourself.

He is lying cheating scum who is all about himself.

Sadly you are thinking of yourself and putting him first.

If you were thinking of your children first you would realise that you would look after yourself and them by protecting your mental health.

You are not. You are putting him first.
Your marriage is long over.
He is protecting himself until the next time.

There will be a next time.
Face up to this truth and tell people, get legal advice and tell your children.

Anything else and you will regret it.

He’s admitted it would still be going on if they hadn’t been rumbled. What does this tell you? It tells you he had no respect for you at all. Why do you love someone who doesn’t love you? Get yourself checked out obviously. Good luck for the future. Sorry to sound harsh

He had the opportunity to leave to be with her (she would’ve welcomed him with open arms) but he wanted to remain in our marriage. I want to believe that’s because he wants me and not just because he’s a coward who has chosen the easy option.

Those are his words. He's probably lying about her wanting him to move in. You cannot trust anything that comes out of his mouth, now or ever again.

Him pretending to choose you is a ploy to try to keep you sweet. Don't fall for it.

Reading through these posts I would be incredibly worried he has told OW he will leave when kids are 18. Avoid CMS and an expensive divorce. If he has this much of a connection with her as he says he does and is in love with her, this is a massive risk. Please don't go through years of hell and have him leave anyway, because he wants to avoid financial consequences.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again

You know OP, just the other day I was thinking of all of the horrible secrets that women have kept to themselves over the centuries, mainly to protect their children.

Whilst it's understandable, I don't think those men deserve that confidentiality and maybe if more women were upfront, and that those men actually had to face some reputational damage, maybe they might think twice before doing things like this.

I think you need to consider the fact that the reason why he left, isn't just because he wants to have his cake and eat it, but it's because he doesn't want to be seen as 'the bad guy'. The father that left his family, that walked out of the door.

Instead, like many men like him he wants to continue mistreating you, expecting you to live with the anxiety or emotional torture about thinking about his affair, until you reach a point when you're the one who kicks him out, which files for divorce.

He's already been a twat and broken your marriage vows, but like many men who care more about their reputation that their partner, they want to tell people a sob story about how much he tried, about how you're the one who wasn't willing to make things work. Horribly manipulative.

He's a liar and now he's made you into one too as you fix a smile on and try and maintain his image and the lie about the sort of wonderful man he is to his children. I understand you staying the first time but now, absolutely not.

Every single one of the reasons you have for staying and not telling people about his continuing affair were there for him too as reasons not to do it - plus a whole lot more besides. He's not a wonderful man he is just a bog standard, run of the mill, ten-a-penny weak and selfish one. Any trust in him to do the right thing is misplaced.

This

Kick him into touch - life is too short to put up with his crap - make him feel like you do now and get the hell out!

Just no.

He 'loves' you but has never felt a connection with anyone the way he felt with this OW...

He had an affair, told you it was over and yet still carried on. It would be still ongoing had he not been found out.

Your children are old enough. Why do you want to conceal his behaviour from them. I would be shouting it from the rooftops and let him deal with that. By staying silent you are effectively saying what he did to you was ok and you are happy to put up with that.

Do you want to have the worry of everytime he pops to the shops, texts someone or takes a call that he is having another affair.

You cannot live like that. He is a cheating liar you know that. Is that who you want to spend your life with?

You don’t have to anything now. You can wait and see , take time to digest. Most importantly prioritize yourself. Do what makes you happy and confident. I’m n my case that would be sport, coffee with friends or a weekend away, new clothes , hair make up etc ,maybe take up a new hobby I would try my best to not ask anything else about the affair , very hard I know but sod him thinking you’re breaking your heart anymore ( even if inside it’s probably the case) I’d act not that bothered (that’s cos I’m too proud though) When you have digested things a bit look at finances and mull over what’s possible what’s not if you decide to leave. You canleave now or not , or leave anytime in the future. Take back control of your life. Oh and if someone flirted with me I’d flirt right back ( unless I knew he was married of course)
Good luck.

You let him get away with it once that was the mistake so now his done it again I'd leave him why would you want your kids thinking it's ok to be like that don't be a doormat

He loves you as the mother of his his children and someone he's been with for almost two decades, like a comfy old pair of slippers. He's literally told you that you don't compare to the connection they have, how can you ever get over that?

Do not waste anymore of your life on this man.

My father cheated throughout marriage. My mother decided to stay with him, because she loved him 🙄

He is long dead and she is still moaning about her life choices!

If you have decided to stay what are you asking people for here? 99% of responses have said leave why do you think they are giving you bad/wrong advice ? What would you advise your own daughter to do?

I can't really sugarcoat this, but you need to honestly ask why he's with you.

I'm so sorry but he's not in love with you. So what is it making him stay? Are you a sahm, and is there a huge pot he'll have to divvy up by divorcing you? My mother has a friend, married to a bloke worth about £20mill. He will literally shag anything. He's been shagging a 20 something, and the wife knows. She told my mum "he can't afford to divorce me" so she sits in this shit show, buying anything she likes, and he stays, stuck, too greedy to share what his business is worth by divorcing her.

I suspect, he's sitting out the children turning 18, then you don't need anywhere near as much out of the divorce. Don't be the mug that sits about waiting to be fleeced by a cheater.

That connection he had with her, he will be looking for it again.
All the while you waste your life lying for him and ruining your mental health.

I could never forgive this. The first betrayal would have been difficult enough, but a second time? Absolutely not. The way I see it, he's only come clean because there was a chance you were going to find out anyway and he probably knows that you would forgive him... again!

You haven't told your friends and family because you know, deep down, how wrong this is. You talk about respecting your vows, but he's the one who has completely broken them.

He hasn't just betrayed you, he's betrayed the whole family. He was willing to risk everything you've built together to satisfy himself, and that is incredibly selfish. Personally, I'd be showing him the door.

You will never have a moment peace, you will always be seconding guessing him, and he will do it again, he has no respect for you or his children! Your mum has probably lived a dogs life truth beknown, always wondering if there is someone else!