Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

Just, no. There's nothing to work on. He made that clear by carrying on and lying even more.

Call me cynical but I would think he's had a lawyer consult regarding divorce and found out the financial costs at present. If his affair has caused work issues to the point of transfer, they've likely just taken it underground yet again.

Your kids are 15 and 16. They will soon age out of child support requirements and I think it's possible he will leave the marriage then. He's playing a long game here to minimize the financial impact of splitting on him. He's been having the affair for two years now and I doubt it's stopped. She's the woman he wants to be with and that means your marriage is over. You can't count on him sticking around. He is a liar and has lied to you for years now.

Are you working? If not, get a job or schooling for a certification at something you can work at. Get a lawyer consult for information as to what you could expect in a divorce. Prepare for life without him.

Yes you are being a fool. Why are you letting him treat you like this?

It's over sweetheart!!

He's a liar. He's been lying to you for years. Why do you believe anything he says? You'd be mad to.

Your children are almost grown and may soon leave the nest.

The thought of being left alone with someone untrustworthy like your husband would be awful. You'd be beholden to his next affair and dalliance. Watchful. Always.

Walk away.

He should have thought about that fear before he went around putting his cock in other women.

Sorry OP, but this is over.

What would you advise your own children if they were on the receiving end of this? I assume you would be so angry and tell them to leave? I feel so sorry for your kids here.

Mate, he’s laughing at you. Worst case scenario is they’re laughing together.

He’ll leave you when the kids are 18 anyway

If someone who supposedly loved me said they’d made a connection with someone else unlike anything they had ever had I’d want their head on a spike. That is so hurtful and cruel. I’m sorry OP you are not responsible for his feelings or mental health. Dig deep and get him out of your house he is a prick.

Can understand after years of marriage, children etc why you want to make it work.

This sounds like an emotional affair rather than just a one off physical thing that happened. This is a red flag.

Perhaps your husband needs to prove his words and intentions rather than just saying he wants to stay with you and the family.
Perhaps he should look for another job far removed from this other lady. Can he work from home to enable you to have some confidence in what he says, even if temporary. If his work knows about the affair they may be more understanding to accommodate.

He needs to account for every minute of his life so that you are left in no doubt what he is up to. He should be contacting you regularly if at work, always pick up if you phone him. Never late home or putting in extra time. Otherwise your doubts won't go away.

Maybe a trial separation will help him and YOU to really know what you want. Can he stay with family or friends. Yes, people would know but that's his problem not yours.

Hope you are able to move forward whatever you decide.

You need to really get angry - like PROPER angry!!!! How dare this little pisswilly treat you so badly .... how DARE he have the brass balls to tell you that not only did the affair carry on after he PROMISED you it was over, but that he loves the other woman and never had a love like it, and yet still expect you to stay in the marraige and wash his shitty cum stained underpants and cook his dinner. FFS get some self respect!!!!!!!! He is a lying cheating piece of shit and not worth a single tear. He has really done a number on you and you need to tell EVERYONE all about this, shatter his Mr Nice Guy image and make a new life for yourself. PS If you can take him to the cleaners too then so much the better.

Sorry OP another one here who thinks he’s worked out how expensive a divorce would be with under 18s. Anyway he can have his cake and eat it, in his mind, so why would he give up a comfortable home etc?

Sending you a massive hug as this sort of situation is hell.

OP, in my experience the mental torture of trying to stay and work through it is just never worth it. His actions have effectively ended your marriage already.

It would be hard at first if you left him, but in the long run you will be much much happier and glad you didn’t stay. There is no doubt in my mind that either 1. The affair is still continuing or 2. He will do it again.

Being single is infinitely better than being trapped in a marriage with a person you can’t trust.

I have known marriages survive an affair although the relationship changed dramatically. But I have never know one survive a second affair, or a restart of the original affair as you have here.

An affair can be a moment of madness which, when sanity prevails, can be addressed. A pattern of infidelity is a choice to lie, deceive, trick on a permanent level knowing how hurt the partner was but caring so little they choose to do it again.

Your children are older, they will cope. You deserve to move on and he deserves to be exposed. I can’t see a way back as it demonstrates contempt for you and your relationship.

No, I don't think most marriages can survive.

The very fundamental part of a loving relationship is trust. Once that's gone, what do you have? Will you ever truly trust him again? Every time he goes out without you, picks up his phone, chats to a woman on the street even just to ask the time - aren't you going to constantly be thinking of his deception? You will never rest well again. You will become a paranoid shell of a person, living a fake life with someone who doesn't give a fuck about you.

I left my husband after finding out he cheated on me. My daughter was 5. It was the worst time of my life. It took me nearly a year to decide to kick him out - I tried to go on as normal. But I couldn't. I grew to resent him. I couldn't trust him. By the end I think I actually despised him. He didn't just cheat - he ruined me and changed who I thought I was.

5 years later, I am so glad I made the choice I did. It isn't easy but neither is living a lie. Stop building arbitrary boundaries in your mind about what you'll accept for the sake of "vows", stop believing he loves you (I will never waiver from my opinion that someone who cheats cannot love you) and make a plan. Get angry. Sort your shit out. Then kick him out and live the life you deserve, not the one he's forced you into by his own selfish actions.

Awww cmon how much fairy dust are you going to waste. You can keep believing in the make believe and if not her will be someonelse. Don't you feel disgusting knowing he was sleeping with both of you for a long time. If you think that's love carry on and don't let the mh card play any role I have a few mh friends and they do not do this in there marriages

Your husband has told you he’s in love with another woman. I don’t know why you’re even questioning this. You need to leave.

Of course he wants to stay married to you. Divorcing you would mean having his kids up to 50% of the time, paying maintenance, moving out of the house and having to split assets.

OP, I think that there is a huge amount of 'not rocking the boat' in how you feel.
Your home, family, house, extended family, friends, finances etc, all of that is going to undergo a huge upheaval when this affair comes out and he leaves.
At the moment it is all comfortable, and the idea of turning it all upside down is huge, where do you even start?
But what you are doing is creating a space where he has the best of both worlds, wife and mistress, home, and sexy bit on the side. Comfort and excitement.
He has it all! Of course he wants to stay with you, you keep house, mother his children and give him a respectable face to the world. Why would he want to change that? You are making life comfortable.

But honestly, this marriage is over. Maybe through counselling he will realise what a shit he is, maybe he won't. Maybe he is contrite, but his actions show that regret has not actually made him change.

I am a firm believer that people can change, and that people deserve a second chance.
I am also a firm believer that once someone shows you who they really are, they have a lot to prove to show that they have changed.
He said he would change, he didn't. He said the affair was over, it wasn't. He said he would stop, he didn't. He has not followed through on anything he said, so why would you expect him to do that now?

Please kick him out. Most importantly, please tell his family and your friends about the affair. You don't have to be mean etc, just factual. That's enough!
Once people know, they will respond to him differently and he will start to see that his actions have consequences.

You made firm marriage vows, so did he. He has broken all of them, so you are released from yours.

@ThatDeepOcean "He had the opportunity to leave to be with her (she would’ve welcomed him with open arms) but he wanted to remain in our marriage. I want to believe that’s because he wants me and not just because he’s a coward who has chosen the easy option."

It's because he's a coward and he wants his cake and eat it. He doesn't want to lose all the comforts of married life. He's got a nice family home, regular sex with you (?), home cooking, a reputation to maintain amongst friends and family etc. Basically all the comfortable and familiar things he'd have to throw away. Starting over would be a bloody nightmare for him. And if you divorced him you'd get half of everything, including his pension. He isn't stupid enough to leave himself in that position. What he wants is another fanny to fuck without any of the turmoil and financial ruin. That's why he's telling you he loves you and wants to work on it.

I don’t believe so. My mother cheated on my father, the affair continued but they stayed together. It all but destroyed my father; the paranoia she would do it again, the loss of trust and the years and years of hurt. Don’t let him do this to you and your children.

Just to add, I have thrived since we separated and he has floundered. He wasted a good home life and chance to be with someone who truly love him, all for a moment of pleasure. That kept me going in the early days.

Also to consider - you have already given him the benefit of the doubt and stayed, giving him a second chance, and he has repaid you by doing the exact same thing again and continuing to lie to your face. The lack of care and respect he has for you is staggering.
How many chances are you willing to give him?
I agree with a PP, it’s time to get angry now. Who the fuck does he think he is?

This x a million

He doesn't love you. He's staying because he knows it's financially easier when the kids are under 18.

He'll still be seeing this woman and he'll leave you for her in 3 years

@ThatDeepOcean- ffs get some self respect. See a solicitor. Take him for as much as you can