Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

[RealRosePoet]

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

After 3 kids I should think you'll be in and out of hospital quite quickly. Can't a friend cover that? Does your DH not get paternity? I expect your MIL does not see much of Australian grandchildren so it's a bit much to expect her to dump them for you. I guess she sees you guys a lot more often.

She’s already made a commitment too your SIL and it’s a long and expensive journey and they want to spend time with their children and grandchildren that they presumably don’t see often.

YABVU to think they should come back early

@RealRosePoet it is hurtful but I suspect there are a few things at play here.
Possibly that you've chosen to have four children so an expectation that you should have contingencies covered?
Able to see more of your children than the grandchild in Australia so keen to make the most of it when they go? And seeing the daughters too.
Easier to look after one than three?
And last but probably not least - stronger bond with daughters than son when it comes to childcare?
Only upside is no obligation on your part to host their visit until you're ready. Choice and preference works both ways.

If your MIL has already committed to look after your SIL's child then it's unfair of you to put pressure on her to change her plans. It sounds like you have other options so just ask your friends to help and don't create unnecessary drama. If this is your fourth then you know what's involved in having a baby and other older children to juggle and if you felt you couldn't or shouldn't have to give birth without wider family support then you should have discussed it with them in principle beforehand rather than expecting them to change plans to suit you.

Just a few things to add:

• the trip to Australia isn’t booked yet
• they go out to Australia every year for 4 months to help - they have missed every single birthday of our children since they were born because of this and we haven’t once complained
• i didnt get to choose my due date?!?
• my pregnancy is high risk because i have a history of cancer
• my DH does get paternity leave but would like to be there with me for the birth?!

Asking someone to fly back from Australia to do something that your (presumably local) friend has offered to do seems like you're setting some kind of loyalty test for your in-laws. 🤷🏻

Why are you asking them to do this when you have much more practical alternatives?

What did you do the other 2 times? I think you just need to accept that your ILs are just not as interested in their son’s family as their daughters. Yes it’s not fair, but sometimes that’s just the way it is.

And how much earlier do you expect them to fly back, taking into account you don’t want them coming straight from a long haul flight? And what if you’re early? You can’t rely on people travelling so far away for everything to work out perfectly.

Finding these responses b interesting. We were initially hurt because we have friends almost in a like for like situation and their parents have dropped everything to help them. They view it that the birth of a granchild trumps school holidays.

Also we get zero help during the school holidays and just get on with it so didn’t see it as being a big deal

Based on your additional information that they spend so much time in Australia each year, it does sound like they are closer to their daughters - and quite likely enjoy spending the UK winter in Australia.

It's hurtful, but there's not really anything you can do about it. You don't need to prioritise them though, they can fit in with your family arrangements as suits you.

YABVU. I actually can’t believe you asked them to return early!

Stop having kids that you can’t manage without support.
Your level of entitlement is ridiculous.

You've had 4 by choice..totally different to looking after one and its an opportunately to see their daughters who live abroad. I think its abit much putting on your friends aswell 4 is alot of children most stop at 2 or 3.

Haha it’s good to know the pundits of Reddit have more of an empathetic attitude than mumsnet ✌️

Did you ask them if they would help before they committed to your SILs?

If I had committed to a trip to see daughters and grandchildren for 6 weeks. To go all that way, with the expense. Also maybe go while young and healthy enough to travel all that way and enjoy being with the grandchildren I wouldn’t be cutting it short. Not for (maybe) being needed depending on when you go into labour. Sadly it’s not their fault that unfortunately your parents cannot help out due to their healthy.

I think you’re being unreasonable to expect them to cut short their trip.

@KiwiFall you do realise that the could easily still go for 6 weeks and just book it so that the dates would suit both of us?

It's sad DH is second best but they obviously enjoy their months in the sun. And both sisters are there. It may not always be this way - imagine health issues or similar changing future plans

Wheres your parents? They might be ill can they not supervise or are the dc too young? You cant have mutiple children and expect people to provide childcare surely a reasponsible adult would consider this

How if they are covering the whole hols?

@Pinkbananaa we literally NEVER rely on anyone. Only ever for giving birth which I’d say is normal and reasonable. My dad has cancer and my mum is disabled - they also live far away too.

But you clearly do if your friends help. Your dh will have to stay at home if thatd the case.

To be fair you can pay a babysitter to look after your children. It's number 4 you know the drill now.
I wouldn't expect people to fly home or plan an Australian trip after my need for babysitning.

Why are you dragging your grievances all round the internet?

@TheyAreLovelyLovelyPeople why do you choose to interact in internet forums?

Sorry @RealRosePoet also think YABVU.

Older people spending winter in a warmer climate is a benefit to them just as much as seeing their grandchildren who live there. They have already committed to this.

Expecting any kind of childcare when you have chosen to have a fourth child is cheeky. They don't even live near you. You have alternatives, SIL doesn't.

You can have a different birth partner, your husband should be looking after the other 3 children if you can't get a friend to do it for a few hours. You're in Scotland, unless baby is born in the middle of the night, you won't be in overnight with your 4th.

Using high risk pregnancy as emotional blackmail on them is low too, you and your husband chose to have another child with this risk. The onus is on you not your PIL.

But if they have to cover the 6 weeks holidays to look after their grandchildren and you have said would have to come early for you? Which is it?