Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

[RealRosePoet]

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

Four months each year in Australia shared between the two sisters and eight months in the OP’s country with just her family to consider.

I don’t see that as showing the iLs priorities are always with the sisters. However if they made an extra commitment this year to the sisters I can see why they feel obligated to it. The OP seemed rather snarky about one of the sisters being in teaching so having lots of holidays but of course it also means zero choice in when to take those hols which can cause issues for childcare. OP was also snarky about the iLs having the temerity to go to the warmer climate and sisters in the Winter instead of staying for her DC Winter birthdays.

The MiL (not sure about FiL) is planning to go to them to help/see the baby as soon as they return but the OP wants childcare without them meeting the baby. I get feeling cautious but its a bit much expecting someone to come and manage your childcare without even seeing the baby.

The new OP still hasn’t answered questions about how they managed the second and third births as if all the children have Winter birthdays and the iLs always go to Australia for the Winter then presumably they missed those Winter births as well and the OP must have had a solution in place.

I'm curious as to how pil coming back early would look realistically. Babies aren't exactly known for their predictability of turning up on their due date. So when are pil expected to be there? From 37 weeks? They could return early and you don't have the baby for another 4/5 weeks, 40 weeks? They might miss it altogether if baby is early. 39 wks? Again they might miss it or baby might not turn up for another 2+ weeks. It's not really just about them being there for the birth, it's about asking them to cut their already made commitment short to potentially sit around and wait for you to give birth for weeks.

You need to start naming the behaviour.
When MiL says she has to meet the baby show surprise and explain ‘how lovely, you’ve never prioritised/attended DCs birthdays before. Does this mean you are going to be there for them from now on?’

I get it OP. My IL's and parents favour particular children in our families over others. It does hurt and I think others who haven't experienced this dynamic don't really understand. I don't think you are asking too much or have unrealistic expectations.
You are allowed to feel disappointed.
Your in laws are also allowed to say no to helping.

I do not know why everyone is piling on so bad and kicking the OP when she is down.

Yes that’s a great way to build relationships with people who have done nothing wrong.

In the OP’s scenario:

• iLs spend four months of the Winter between the two sisters
• iLs spend eight months in the OP country with just their family to consider.

The DC birthdays are in the Winter when the DGPs are in Australia - presumably they should cancel the third of the year spent with the two sisters’ families to attend the OP children’s birthday parties.

If any of this is quite reflecting reality. I’m curious to know how the OP managed the previous Winter births.

She cannot agree to help both. And be in two places at once.

They are helping with the other dc, doesn’t involve seeing baby?

She can choose to spend 4 months a year helping her daughter, and not help her son. Then the one time the son really needs help, extend the 4 months by an extra 6 weeks
so she’s on the other side of the world. There is nothing balanced or fair or tough choices in that decision though, it’s simply the child she cares about and the child she doesn’t.

Her parents helped, and in laws too I think. Her parents weren’t unwell then.

She has - she explained her parents previously helped out as it was prior to their health issues / disabilities preventing them from being able to do so.

she has answered it, but you’d have to read the thread before having your go to know that. She says ‘My parents didn’t have complex health issues for those times so they helped and also my in laws came too.’

the mil doesn’t help much while she’s in the uk, but she asks for help regularly.

She cannot win. If she goes back on her promise to Australia irrespective of expense already paid, she upsets one. If she doesn’t she upsets the other.
Why is she the default helper to all ?
She cannot help where her other grandchildren live.

I’m sorry op as much as the quarantine is understandable I think it’s on you and your husband to care for your kids and manage this, I don’t think it’s ok to expect your In-laws to fly back to do it for you.

due dates are a potential not a given, you could go into labour early or later, so they could cut short their trip for no reason and leave their daughter with no child care,

so you made a choice to have a 4th child, yoy will need to manage this.

good luck,

we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight

What?

What is wrong with her that she committed to the extra six weeks instead of saying I can only do 4 months? What is wrong with the daughter that she wouldn’t think I’ve been massively supported here I don’t get to gripe because my brother gets one lot of support at a key moment, my brother who does all the helping for mum and dad.

We have learnt otherwise, we have read the thread. She did help on some previous births but doesn’t help otherwise. While she pours help on her daughter. The op is not holding her hostage. You make it sound like she expects help weekly instead of on the event of giving birth.

Yes. I am aware of that and so is the OP. Her parents in law has made a choice and that has left OP disappointed. I can understand how she feels. I also acknowledged that the parents in law are free to decide.

No I don’t. I have read the thread. And can appreciate that wanting or expecting parents to be there at the arrival of a new baby understandable.

But I do think MIL is in a spot. Two of her daughters live in Australia. She always goes there for four months ( as OP well knows ). She has already promised them help. She knows the OP has friends who can step in. Who live nearby too. MIL lives in Manchester. She has a property nearby to OP but how long would she be expected to live there until the appropriate time came ? It might also be rented out. It is not explained.

If anything the sisters of OP’s brother could be pointed too if there is any blame to give out. The sisters are neighbours. One gets the school holidays off as she is a teacher. I would have thought she might be able to step in and offer to help the other sister. But so far has not it would seem. Unless there are things she has commitments too as well.
MIL is bearing the brunt of OP’s upset. The sisters seem to have passed her by.

The damage is siblings being seen to be more favoured. That can be very real. And there is not much you can do about it when it happens. There really is not.

The reality or practicalities of MIL being able to be there when the OP goes into hospital are unclear. The friends nearby might well be a more sensible proposal.
Trying to get your MIL to rearrange plans to prove a point seems a waste of energy.

Oh you sound like you’ll be a lovely support to your daughter and dil when they are pregnant

They’ve repeatedly showed you that your family is second best. But you’ve become pregnant again on the expectation that they’ll change their ways?? Are you mad?

Your in-laws just don’t care. They want their jolly in Australia four months a year so they have to suck up to their daughters to make sure they get that. You aren’t offering a free holiday so why would they be interested in helping you?

We can discuss how wrong that attitude is, or how maybe I’m mistaken, or maybe they’ll change. It doesn’t really matter. What you’ve got now, is what you’ve got now. Be as upset as you want, it’s not going to make any difference.

The irritation comes when grandparents prioritise their trip with their other grandkids, and then expect to have free access to your children at their convenience on their return.

What do you want to do about that? Go no contact and give them a consequence to their actions? Or accept they are taking your family for granted and let them continue? Either way it looks like you’re on your own with this birth.

Just for fun I ran this past my teenagers without giving them my view. Their responses:
‘It’s so stupidly easy, just get a nanny while she is giving birth.’
‘If they are having four kids they must both have good jobs’
‘They could send the three older kids out to Australia to have a fab long holiday with their grandparents and cousins’ (genius!)

And to the whole ‘they should fly back early for us, but make sure it’s at least a week before I go into labour, whenever that will be, because they can’t come round for a week’:
’She has gone mad’.
’A total Karen!’ (apologies to all Karens, I think it’s a lovely name)

I read the OP’s posts and I didn’t think that comment answered the questions asked about how much help was provided.
Also curious as to how the in laws helped on those occasions when they are always in Oz for the children’s birthdays. Either they have rearranged trips in the past to help the OP at birth times or the birthdays are not all in Winter as described.
OP also seemed not to want help from them most of the time and therefore sees less of them but that is a very transactional view of a relationship. My DC mostly saw DGP to see the DGP and vice versa rather than seeing them for the purpose of childcare at our convenience.

Ultimately the iLs have made a commitment to the other DC who have far less access to them than the OP and DH who are near enough for mutual help for 8 months of the year. They also have friends who have offered to help (from the OP). The OP doesn’t want long haul travellers seeing the baby so they would need to cut out that last six weeks to cover quarantine and risk of early delivery - its not just a week early as the OP suggested. So in effect they are asking for the iLs to cancel promised support to the sister and return weeks early when they already have offers of help.

They would be more sensible to take the local offered help at the time of the birth and the (quarantined) iL’s offer of help when they return.

The OP doesn’t want long haul travellers seeing the baby so they would need to cut out that last six weeks to cover quarantine and risk of early delivery - its not just a week early as the OP suggested. So in effect they are asking for the iLs to cancel promised support to the sister and return weeks early when they already have offers of help.

Yeah looking at the timing it realistically means them being back at 36 weeks doesn't it? Which means no 6 weeks at all. I said upthread that OP hadn't thought it through given that anything ILs pick up on a plane is going to come home to the newborn via the 3 eldest. But looking again, I think possibly she has actually thought it through and wants them not to stay for the 6 weeks childcare at all, but hasn't spelled that out clearly here. I think 1 week thing OP mentions is just a reference to the quarantine not how early they're coming home.

Your in-laws sound very similar to mine. The problem is, they are at an age where they aren’t going to change. I used to get upset about it but realised it’s just taking up my energy and time so I just accepted it for what it is. They care in their own way. It’s perfectly reasonable to want your husband there at the birth of your child, and, if you have the cash, you can probably sort that yourselves and get a babysitter. I know hospitals don’t allow husbands to stay overnight now, so your DH wouldn’t be there after 8pm anyway. That is, of course, if you’re getting an elected c-section. Otherwise the options are a bit trickier.

Why ask the question if you have a tantrum when you don't like the answers?

You are coming across as a bit entitled? It's our choice as parents to have children, any help we get is a bonus not a right.