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Original poster

Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

344 replies

RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 18:52

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

OP posts:
BIWI · 28/08/2026 19:27

Why on earth should they cut short their time with their daughters?

Massive sense of entitlement.

What do you do for childcare normally? Can you not rely on that? If you can't, then look into getting a nanny or someone who can help you for the times that you need.

BIWI · 28/08/2026 19:29

Have you just joined Mumsnet to post this @RealRosePoet?

Shouldgivethisup · 28/08/2026 19:29

Have they helped out before? With the other 3 babies? If not, why would this birth be different? If yes, surely they’ve done enough? You maybe should let this go.

Original poster
RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 19:29

@BIWI we don’t use childcare usually. Just is what is it, we’re fine with it.

OP posts:
TheyAreLovelyLovelyPeople · 28/08/2026 19:30

BIWI · 28/08/2026 19:29

Have you just joined Mumsnet to post this @RealRosePoet?

Just clocked this too, BIWI.

BIWI · 28/08/2026 19:30

RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 19:29

@BIWI we don’t use childcare usually. Just is what is it, we’re fine with it.

Maybe it's time to start, with this latest baby.

Airconfan · 28/08/2026 19:32

My days OP I think a lot of these responses are harsh.

We had a third baby which ended up in an emergency situation and over night. Yes we had friends offer but it’s easier to have parents stay nearby and help over the night time.

If the holiday to Aus isn’t booked I don’t think your request is unreasonable. They can of course do what they want, but this is how relationships start to sour.

Needing help when in labour doesn’t happen every year.

AnnaMagnani · 28/08/2026 19:33

Your SIL lives in Australia so it's inevitable that MIL will try to see her Australian GCs for as long as possible when she can as she sees them far less due to the distance.

My GM lived abroad and we would go over in the summer. She was very upfront that when we were over the GCs local to her came second as she only saw me once a year when she saw them all the time.

Your MIL is one person trying to spread herself around a lot of GCs who don't even all live in the same country, she isn't going to please everyone all the time.

Original poster
RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 19:36

@Airconfan thank you, you get where I’m coming from.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 28/08/2026 19:37

My brother lives in New Zealand.

it’s a hell of a way, and the fact that our winter lines up with their summer means that his mother in law goes out there every winter for two months. It’s only partially about seeing family - it’s also about escaping the U.K. winter.

it does really help him out though as both of them work and having another adult in the house just helps cover gaps in childcare,

I’d assume this is a pretty regular routine.

with family living in Australia it’s not like they can just pop down the road to see them. It’s expensive in time and money to get there.

missing your children’s birthdays each year is neither here nor there.

your mil has offered to come to you as soon as she can and you want a quarantine period. As she’d have to come back from Australia anyway to look after your three while you give birth, presumably you are ok with no quarantine period then?

when my dad was dying we rang my brother and he got on the next plane (at inordinate expense) abd came right through with only three hour stop in Dubai to get to the hospital - he didn’t make it in time.

the usual plan for birth is to have someone local as the baby can come early or late. Your pils would literally be pretty much as far away as is humanly possible so if you go into early labour the chances of them reaching your house before the baby is born are basically zero.

surely it’s better to try to find someone local to you?

Favouritefruits · 28/08/2026 19:40

I was with you up until you said you won’t let your MIL see the baby until a week after they land, seems very petty. So even if they arrived back before your due date and you went into labour early (possible after 3) she would have to quarantine for a week so would be no help anyway?? I think she’s right to go to Australia where she’s welcome!

Katalica · 28/08/2026 19:42

Yes YABVU.

You chose to have 4 kids and have given your own parents a free pass to provide childcare, apparently due to their age. That seems sensible.

You’re all adults and it’s about time your MIL was allowed to live her own life and choose who to spend her precious time with, without grown up children whining about fairness.

As a mum to 3 perfectly competent adult sons, I think I’ve earnt my freedom and it’s up to me how I spend my precious holidays!!

Original poster
RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 19:42

@Favouritefruits its just the newborn we would have her separated from. Our first baby became seriously ill and had to be taken to hospital because a relative from abroad passed on an illness so we have trauma from that.

OP posts:
SweatySpider321 · 28/08/2026 19:43

Fine. I wouldn’t give it much more head space. It’s a massive sense of entitlement expecting grandparents to travel thousands of miles to do the big summer holiday childcare. SIL knew the school holidays are coming and should budget better. You can have the last laugh and not get involved and your in-laws care as they age. Direct them to SIL, paying for care or their friends

Favouritefruits · 28/08/2026 19:44

RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 19:42

@Favouritefruits its just the newborn we would have her separated from. Our first baby became seriously ill and had to be taken to hospital because a relative from abroad passed on an illness so we have trauma from that.

Can you ask that relative to help instead? Seems like they owe you

Smokeywater · 28/08/2026 19:45

People seem to forget how exhausting childbirth can be - then trying to care for siblings on top of- I honestly think many of the posters on here haven’t had children yet or have had one with support (or have hated it all and expect others to suffer as they did) - the lack of empathy is dire

Original poster
RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 19:45

@Favouritefruits unfrotunately it’s the other sister who now lives out in Australia permanently too!! So can’t ask her

OP posts:
Error404FucksNotFound · 28/08/2026 19:46

Its a shame that they dont want to. I would do it if I were them.
But, they have told you no and you cant make them so you just have to make alternative plans. Its ok to be hurt by it.

BlumeUndTisch · 28/08/2026 19:47

Smokeywater · 28/08/2026 19:45

People seem to forget how exhausting childbirth can be - then trying to care for siblings on top of- I honestly think many of the posters on here haven’t had children yet or have had one with support (or have hated it all and expect others to suffer as they did) - the lack of empathy is dire

A 4th child is a choice.

saraclara · 28/08/2026 19:47

RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 19:42

@Favouritefruits its just the newborn we would have her separated from. Our first baby became seriously ill and had to be taken to hospital because a relative from abroad passed on an illness so we have trauma from that.

So you'd make them come back early but not let them see the new grandchild?!

Come on now. You must know that that is entirely unfair

wishfulthinking25 · 28/08/2026 19:49

What is it you actually need help with? You have 3 kids already, what did you do with them and why do your friends feel like they need to help you immediately after you give birth to the 4th? Presumably your ILs are going to help your SIL with childcare in the holidays because herself and her partner both work? You’ll be on mat leave after birth for a bit so I’m sure you’ll manage. Is it more of when you go back to work you’re looking for the help?

GoodkneeBadKnee · 28/08/2026 19:49

You're being very unreasonable. Accept the offers of help you've had and let your in laws do their thing. Honestly, 3 kids in, you should have your act together by now.

somanychristmaslights · 28/08/2026 19:49

RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 19:20

Haha it’s good to know the pundits of Reddit have more of an empathetic attitude than mumsnet ✌️

Edited

It doesn’t matter what any of our thoughts are. They’ve said no, so that’s pretty much it.

sugarplumlily · 28/08/2026 19:50

YABU

If you choose to have 4 it’s a LOT to ask others to take on 3 for childcare

Flying to Australia is an absolute killer. I have family there. I’ve done it many times. It costs a fortune in money and time to get there, and it breaks your body and sleep for days afterwards. Therefore when people do go, they want to stay for the duration. Coming home on a gruelling 28 hour flight to childcare 3 is a massive ask.

Your MIL can’t see the other side of the family as often/easily

Flights get cancelled, delayed, people get ill and have to stay for longer. Relying on the childcare for people coming from Australia could easily go wrong.

They already committed to someone else and it would be shitty to go back on their word.

tomatoplants · 28/08/2026 19:51

I don’t think your request is as unreasonable as some of the keyboard warriors on here suggest!

I think it’s unfortunately they’d rather help the Australian families more and don’t want to flex. It is hurtful, I agree. Babies aren’t born that often and ALOT of GPs love to help. Yours don’t and would rather be in the sun it seems.

try to move on and it’s good you have some friends. I hope it goes smoothly