Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

[RealRosePoet]

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

@FirmSnake because of my cancer history I’ve known from the outset that the moment we were done having kids I’ve to have a hysterectomy so it changed our view on how many we wanted!

I’m totally with you. No need to explain so much to justify why they should help.

Usually I don’t like transactional relationships, but I would not be able to avoid resenting the help you are giving, having four kids and all, to people that are basically uninterested in you/your kids.

@HonestLilacLemur yes, they stay with my SIL for the full trip and they usually go from end of September to beginning of january (which is how they’ve missed our children’s birthdays because we for some reason have had all winter babies!!). it’s because my SIL has moved state that previously it would have worked out fine but the school holidays for them go into Feb and we are due the beginning of Feb. So they’ve asked my in laws to extend their usual trip by 6 weeks because of when their holidays fall.

So based on that you and your SIL are in similar positions e.g. need support from GP to help GC. It’s natural she’d ask her Mum (and assuming the move from State to State has been planned in advance) - they’ve asked because they have potentially no idea on Holiday programmes, haven’t gotten a place or home in the next State (will assume moving during this time too), can’t rely on other parents (new School) and are also in a shortfall on support.

It sucks it coincided with the birth of your 4th due date but it isn’t a competition - it just dumb luck who got in their first(?) It makes sense that you are hurt, but I suspect if the State move wasn’t happening they be flying back to support.

EDIT: to add if your due date is beginning of Feb, there could be a compromise they fly home after Australia Day (end of Jan and a Public / Bank holiday - all States have the same day off) to arrive by then. There are options.

OP how would you feel if your parents (were they able to) agreed to stay with you for the full summer holidays and look after your children, let you down and changed plans so they could look after your brother and SILs children while she gave birth?

we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

This is pathetic and you’re only saying it because you’re upset they aren’t there to help you!

Why can't the SIL who is a teacher not look after the Australian kid?

@Chilly80 we don’t know the full story but she offered to for some of it but she wants my MIL. Also my other SIL didn’t offer for the full 6 weeks because she already helps them out a lot during the week/ if the son is ill/ one a month at weekends so they can have a date night. So I think there’s maybe a build up of resentment starting!

I’m sorry but it’s such a long way and an expensive journey you can’t expect them to cut it short. I think the fact it’s your fourth child makes a big difference too - having four children is obviously a huge amount of work and dare I say it a bit of a luxury. There’s some kind of feeling in me that if you’re going to go for a third and especially a fourth it’s kind of on you as parents to work it out. The first and second are almost expected and a “fair” amount to have and for grandparents to help with. If you go on to have a third, never mind a fourth, you need to have it worked out yourselves!!

@Anxioustealady i think I’d be fine because I’ve got no expectation for anyone, grandparents included, to look after my children for the whole of the summer holidays. I only ask their help for one time major life events!

Time to knock the help on the head then

It’s not one time though. It’s your fourth child.

Honestly, I think you’re being really unreasonable. It’s really hard having a child that far away. Any reasonable person would want to maximise the time spent with family when they can go over. It doesn’t mean you’re lesser.

You have resentment because your 2 SILs in Australia support each other?
how long have they spent uk winter in Aus? Since before you had dc?

You have cancer
already 3 children
but continue to have more
then moan about not having enough help
wow

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn no not me, I think my SIL is starting to resent helping out her sister!
theyve been going out since my SIL moved there over 15 years ago. Both our eldest children are the same age!

I saw you mention knowing some GP who drop everything for a new arrival - you dont have that and it irks you. I get it. You just need to manage how much of you/your family time you give to them so that you feel happy. Its difficult. I resent my whole family... have never had help with my children after being there for.others through so much. We live and learn. No point stewing. Get your friend to help with 3 little ones when you go to give birth and manage the visits from anyone else as you see fit. Try not to compare - it eats away at you.

It doesnt really matter why you've had 4 children. 4 children and no support network is a very vulnerable position to deliberately put yourselves in (with a cancer history even more so). Your in laws have other obligations besides your family. It's understandable that you feel disappointed, but they cannot split themselves in 3.
Focus more energy into relationships with people who are in your everyday lives going forward.

You’re here, the two sisters-in-law are in Australia, there are issues between you and them, one doesn’t speak to their mum or something, you posted about these people recently but can’t remember what, other than I do remember everyone decided you were being very unreasonable then too.

Does this family ring a bell for anyone else? A holiday somewhere maybe???

Fair enough. I think I'd be annoyed because they made a plan with me first and would be letting me down.

I think sometimes grandparents are closer to their daughters children than their sons.

They go over for 4 months every year (and live with them), this time it'll be 5 and a half months. They spend way more time with their daughters and GC than most people do!

It seems unfair but you can't change their minds so best just to get on with it. Have friends lined up to look after the other 3, the kids will have fun having sleepovers with their friends. I've had our kids' friends staying with us while their mum was giving birth, it was no trouble as they were on the same routine as our two.

But stand firm on the flight health risk, it isn't worth it.

This sounds like our situation too. DP sister got pregnant 3 months after me with our first. She lived abroad also. MIL moved back after retirement to her home country. I was around 7 months pregnant. She came back when DS was born and stayed for a few weeks, then went back to be there for SIL. She’s not spent one Christmas or birthday here with her DGS. She came back when 2nd baby was born but SIL got the hump with her about it because in their country, kindergarten closes for 6 weeks over the summer so she wanted MIL to return to be her childcare. I was suffering from C-section complications and my eldest ended up in hospital with bronchitis and my DP was refused AL. MIL said she couldn’t leave SIL without childcare so went back. We flew out to get DS2 baptised and spent 2 weeks with MIL. SIL only works 3 days a week so on the days she wasn’t at work we planned to do things with DS1 I.e the beach and asked MIL if she was happy to have DS2 as he is to lo young still for days out like that and it was far too hot. She would say yes then would tell us the day before we had plans she couldn’t anymore because SIL needed her as she was going out. We had many arguments about stupid things…. But ultimately my DP got angry and said to MIL if she wants to see her DGS she needs to get on a plane because we won’t be visiting her anymore and told her it’s clear she has a preference or she just doesn’t have a backbone because SIL can be vicious.

MIL left SIL for 25 years to move to England and we thing she feels guilty for it so is trying to make the time up too her. DP came to England with her.

Spa weekend, holiday in Scotland. Huge resentment because the sisters wanted to spend a morning alone with their mum for her and one of their birthdays? Doesn't sound familiar to this at all 😂

Even if there wasn't grandchildren these particular GPs probably would still go to Australia to stay with their daughters than stay in Manchester for winter.

If I had two daughters and grandchildren in Australia, wild horses couldn’t drag me away from an annual 6 week visit. Have some empathy.