Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

[RealRosePoet]

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

How does this all fit around your due date? It would be galling for them to come back early and then your baby is two weeks overdue. Or for them to arrange to come back in time, but then your baby is born a few days before they fly back.

To be honest, I think my parents would offer to come back and pay for the other child's holiday club in Australia, to ensure everyone had their needs met. But I'm not even sure that's the right answer, because of issues round flight times.

It sounds like sil would need to find child care for two weeks if the in laws changed their plans to suit your due date .
It would be rubbish of them to give back word now, when they have committed to providing the child care.
Im surprised you asked them to do that tbh.

4th baby. 4th!!

God I don’t understand these replies. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. They’ve made their decision though so you need to figure out a back up plan. Is it fair to you, your children and your DH that they so clearly favourite and prioritise their daughters and daughters children? No it’s not. Will they change? Also no. What can change however is how you process it. Low communication, bare minimum engagement. Create your own village of friends. This mindset that you chose 4 children so should just give birth quietly in the garden as not to inconvenience anybody is rubbish.

@wishfulthinking25 we need help for when I’m giving birth. Not before or after. Because I’m high risk I’m not allowed to labour at home and my other 3 I’ve been in hospital for 2-3 days total from the moment of starting contractions to actually giving birth. My parents didn’t have complex health issues for those times so they helped and also my in laws came too.

Yeah it's a shame. But they don't even bother with your current kids birthdays so why are you surprised?

The only grandparent we have willing to do childcare when I'm in labour is also unable to actually do it. We are relying on a friend. I'm planning a home birth (understand this isn't an option for you) and if that doesn't work DH will have to stay home with the kids and I'll be going straight to a c section.

It's shit not having family to rely on. But that's just the situation you have. One of our unwilling grandparents also does a tonne for their other child.

I also wouldn't be rushing into having them round to take a picture with your baby to then fuck off again. Especially if they're expecting to be hosted.

Well, you two are used to the dynamic where you and your husband feel as though his parents favor his sister and her family. It's a common thing to be hurt by family because of expectations. I know I've been disappointed on numerous occasions because of various relatives behavior. You asked for what you want, and they chose not to oblige, so just be hurt and then dust yourself off and move on back to the good relations that you do regularly have with them.

I know on some occasions, friends have come through for me when relatives didn't. Thank God you have good friends who are stepping up for you, so gladly take them up on the offer.

So is a 1st

chance to spend 6 weeks in Australia with the grandkids vs wrangling 3 kids while son and wife have yet another?
easy decision, mate.

Yep!

I can understand your disappointment but it doesn't appear that they've been helpful in the past so I don't know why you'd assume or hope they would be now, especially the fact they've missed all your kids birthdays etc

This, unfortunately OP.

I'd have to ask what sort of relationship you normally have with them? Her daughters presumably chose to move, which is up to them, but then they shouldn't be expecting her to rush across the world to babysit, when the family who are here also need help.
Presumably it's you and your husband who do all the everyday things/help for your in-laws while these daughters do nothing? When they need daily help and care, will your SILs be rushing to the UK to do it, or is that all supposed to be you and your husband?
You also say your husband says they've always favoured their daughters; if so that's sexist and awful. Assuming you've always welcomed and included them, and have a good relationship (sorry to say it, but some women seem to want to have a problem with their MIL or stereotype all MILs), there is no excuse for them to always offer SIL childcare, and never to you.
The only justification I can give is that she had already committed. But if her husband is going too, I can't see why one of them can't stay here and help you, and the other babysit abroad (again, assuming all kids are well-behaved and that there's no other issues which you haven't mentioned).

When my last child was born, our regular babysitter stayed the night. Then my husband cared for the other children for a couple of days till I came out of hospital. No help needed from either set of grandparents.

You will be fine.

Of course but you know a lot more about family life at number 4.

@Pistachiocake exactly this! We help my in laws out with loads of things now they are getting older. Sometimes my husband has even had to travel to come sort things out for them and I stay here with the kids.

We do actually have a good relationship with my inlaws. I get on well with my MIL - although we do notice she’s not that interested in our lives, just talks about hers and rarely phones my DH first unless she needs help with something. I have always noticed that they never offer us help, and when they visit us or we visit them, we never ask them to look after the children for us. My FIL doesn’t really enjoy any of the grandchildren but he goes along with the trips because of my MIL. He doesn’t even want to go to Australia because he harps on about how they never had any help back in the day!

from your pov, OP, i get that you're miffed.

But. You chose to have a 4th child, knowing you would be having a high-risk pregnany? you have to learn to live with your decisions sometimes.

How much support does your DH generally give his parents? I agree it is very rough on your kids if they miss their birthdays, but realistically how much longer are they going to be able to visit their DGC in Australia? Of course, they may be putting the kybosh on their relationship with your DC by doing this so it may bite them in the bum.

Life is what it is, though, so i'd take your friends up on their offers and get on with my life, and take it all as it comes.

ETA: oh cross posted with OP. I guess maybe your DH could have a word with his parents and point out how he needs their support this time? or maybe he can ask his dad to stay, and just his mum go to see the australian lot?

People are being weirdly aggressive about your decision to have four children. It’s a completely normal thing to do.

It’s also completely normal to need help for the specific circumstance of going into labour, possibly in the middle of the night, and needing to leave existing children at home while you rush to the hospital. There are not many people you can ask to help in this situation.

I would be disappointed op but I’d read between the lines: they’re going to Australia because they prefer to, not because your SIL’s need actually trumps yours. This is just a very thin excuse.

Six weeks a year is hardly always doing childcare for the sils.

in addition there’s the usual - if they don’t step up and look after our kids we won’t do care for them - these days increasingly few people care for their parents and mostly it’s one parent looking after the other at least some of the time.

given that at least two out of the three children live in Australia they may move out there at some point - in which case there will be no requirement for care in the U.K. at all.

@Octavia64 sorry I think I’ve maybe confused people by how I’ve worded it. They are going out for their usual 4 month trip but it’s because the “vital” 6 weeks of school holiday are needed at the end of the usual 4 months trip (this is the first year their son has been in school) that they’ve asked my in laws to extend the trip by the extra 6 weeks that we are asking them if the can cut it short.

They've already committed to sil, it would be shitty of them to let her down on something they've already said they would do.

But what were you thinking when you decided to have another baby? you simply cannot (first, 4th or 15th) plan to have a baby based on relying on the goodwill of others. (or as grannies may see it - relying on taking advantage of others)

So instead of worrying about it - make reliable plans with people you can rely on.

Hmm, it’s difficult. They’re either letting their daughter down for 6 weeks or their son for (I’m guessing) a few days max whilst you give birth. My parents are in the same position as yours from what you’ve said and DH stayed at home with DC1 when I had DC2 and DM came with me to the hospital, is that at all possible if it’s just the birth childcare you’re worried about?

They made a commitment to her first. Just the way it goes.
A 4th complicated pregnancy with no meaningful support system was quite a choice. But it was your choice and you'll have to manage.

Are they already in Australia for the start of their 4month trip? Summer holidays here start at the beginning of Dec and can last all the way to to the beginning of Feb (depending on what State your SILs are based).

We find Summer very hard due to not having family out here (all family back in the UK), and it’s very normal to have GPs fly out for extended visits.

I doubt that it’s personal even though it may seem that way. Hopefully you can work it out on your end. Wanted to provide context if you haven’t had children in the Australian School system as it’s different from the UK’s especially as it falls at the same time at Christmas and much of Australia has a mandated ‘shut down’ across this time. (Profession dependent).