Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

[RealRosePoet]

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

Except that OP has stated that? OP has said that they frequently help the in laws and try to see them when they are here.

Ok, here’s your quote, she says this. They have not had help, they have been asked to help. The in laws helped when she gave birth to some of the younger dc- maybe they spent less time in Australia then? Who knows? What is clear is the in laws help the sister massively and take from the ops family.

‘exactly this! We help my in laws out with loads of things now they are getting older. Sometimes my husband has even had to travel to come sort things out for them and I stay here with the kids.
We do actually have a good relationship with my inlaws. I get on well with my MIL - although we do notice she’s not that interested in our lives, just talks about hers and rarely phones my DH first unless she needs help with something. I have always noticed that they never offer us help, and when they visit us or we visit them, we never ask them to look after the children for us’

Nope, you have repeatedly expressed your deep longing that she will punish the old people for daring to go visit their children in Australia.

Oh well, that's up to her. Just like having four kids was up to her.

Anyway, you can go on and on endlessly, but they're still not going to disrupt their lovely holiday to see their daughters to suit her, so she'll have to think of something else. And that's that.

This is a terrible idea, no one responds well to passive aggressive manipulation

Agree. It says more about the person who says it than the person they have a problem with. Either bring up any issues like an adult or just get on with life.

@RealRosePoet However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

OP--Some things take longer than a week to show up or be notiable enough. PLus, someone can carry an illness even if they show no symptoms. So, I would make any visitors who had been in another country or on a long flight wait 2-3 weeks before letting them near a newborn. Always let caution rule.

Don't you realize that MN is full of BFBB? You'd get more sympathy and probably better advice from your nearest prison population. Here, you get the stompers who live to put the boot in because they have nothing else and want everyone as miserable as they are. You had more than two children?! You are an enemy of the MumsN#tters. 😉

I think your in-laws are a piece of work. You and your DH get all of the grunt work with them and your SILs get all the good stuff. If the trip had already been booked, that would be one thing, but it's not booked. I've seen that the next-door neighbor sister has not volunteered to help her sister as she helps a LOT already. Sounds like the other sister is very spoiled, selfish and entitled. The golden child, who thinks the world and her family are hers to use at will.

I would have yourself and your DH become very less available when they need a laborer. After all, you and he take care of your home and your children without help from them, so they should take care of their own needs without bothering you or your DH. Maybe the sisters from Australia can come up when they need a laborer/carer/helper?

I am sure your friends will step in. After all friends are really family you choose to have in your life.

BTW--I am sorry about your parents and their troubles and YOUR health issues also, I wish you a wonderful pregnancy and delivery. I've also had a hysterectomy. Not fun but it was less bad than I thought. Mainly tired and the not lifting sucked. Hopefully, your DH can take some AL to be there for you.
UnMumsNet {{HUGS}} to you all. [Sorry for the saga length post]

Oh, I am sure OP and her DH have thought about it and just WHO those ILs will expect to be their "beck and call" child/DIL when they need care, help, labor or the myriad of other needs.

I hope the OP and her DH grow a thick backbone and can tell the parents/ILs, when they ask for any of the above, "You need to call the golden child, as we are busy helping our own family, raising our children and enjoying our friends that have become family/"

Actions have consequences.

All I hope is that you and your DH remember this in the years to come and grow a sturdy backbone to be able to say, "no" when his parents decide it's you both that get to take care/help them.
Your parents did what they could when they had their health, so helping them should be an automatic, "No problem".
Your ILs, OTOH, can pound salt and ask their golden child to come home when they need a ride for med care, help around the house, a home carer and someone to wipe their butt.

What you give out to others is what you deserve in turn.

It sounds like they are also not there to ever celebrate Christmas with their son, DIL and grandchildren. So, no birthdays, no Christmases, New Years....but want their son as their beck and call child when they need help.

Yeah, that would no longer be happening. At all. I would also be going LC/NC and start enjoying life with the family I choose and not the ones who are just around when it benefits them.

Yet, these ILs don't say that to their DD in Australia? LOL!

I agree, but if there boomers they do what they want it’s not about helping anyone in particular, there will be zero favouritism.

Lol! I've posted about the same number of times as you on this thread so if I'm going on and on endlessly, so are you.

I much prefer to support an OP going through a difficult time rather than put the boot in and make an obviously vulnerable OP feel worse.

It sounds as though OP's DH, their own son, feels incredibly let down by his parents as OP has said

'My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years.'

OP's DH may decide that the help that he provides to his parents is always one way and as his sister will always come first, she can be the one to support their parents as they grow older.

People are treating the ILs as a resource to be shared out rather than people in their own right. Maybe they love being in Australia and are happy to extend their break because it is fun there.

Maybe they think the needs of one child for 6 weeks of childcare trump the needs of the other child wanting babysitting for 2-3 days over an unpredictable time frame where they would have to come back potentially 7 weeks before the birth. At the coldest time of year.

of course, as a mother every child is equally precious but we all know that there isn’t the same level of excitement for subsequent ones.

maybe they, like some people here ( not me) are judging you fir having a 4th child and all that entails, particularly given your health issues, and so feel less inclined to cut short their time away.

OP, I sincerely hope you don’t follow the tit for tat advice here about going NC and never forgetting this. I think you need to accept their decision and move on. You may want to rely on them for future childcare eg when you have a hysterectomy, for school holidays, so don’t go burning any bridges.

I so agree with your first sentence. It's like they aren't people but a resource to divvy out. It's really quite horrible.

Nope, you're still ranting and seething 😆

So anyway, the old couple are not going to ruin their lovely holiday to Australia to see their daughters and help with their kids, and they won't suffer at all, even if OP does decide to try to punish them, as you would so dearly love her too 😆

OP can keep popping out as many kids as she likes, and they can just keep getting on with their own lives, making their own choices.

And that's that :)

Surely there would be a risk that the in-laws get your other children sick and once illness is in a house its almost guaranteed that the rest of the family will get it.

sorry but you are being unreasonable. It’s your decision to have another baby, and is not the responsibility of any grandparent to step in.

she has already made plans to be in Australia, and should not have to change that - even if it’s not booked. Both you and your husband come across and rather childish sulking because another sibling gets more of your mils time.

Can you plan with friends and neighbours for the baby’s arrival, or organise your own midwife or doula as a birthing partner if your husband needs to be with the children?