Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

[RealRosePoet]

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

We had 4 living fully functioning and mobile grandparents in the same country as us when our children were born and small. Neither set has ever had any child of ours for a week, a weekend, a night or even for just an evening. It’s like they spent all the grandparently energy on the children of our older siblings. Looking around there are people whose mothers (usually) look after the kids one, two, even 3 or 4 times a week, parents have them to stay for a weekend or even a week, attend grandparents’ day at school, call the grandchildren to speak to them, know their favourite foods and toys, etc. Not ours! It’s not fair and it’s crap for the kids, but that’s life and we make up for it with more distant relatives and some close friends. Sounds like you get 100% more support than we did. I would have been very grateful for that level of involvement. Any level. You think it’s inequitable, but actually you cannot compare an occasional visit to Australia with grandchildren close by. Also, elderly people do not like to change plans, especially travel plans involving flights from Australia. YABU.

I'd stop helping your in-laws out any more. No wonder your DH is upset if he does loads to help his parents yet they massively favour and prioritise his sisters.

I dont think you are entitled, but this defiantly stems much deeper. They put the other children first, every single year, not not spend a single birthday and I am assuming christmas too with their other grand children, it is hurtful, and i am also assuming you see this hurts your husband. I would rise above it, and do not go all out for them anymore, they have shown you their priorities, the daughters and grandkids abroad, just get on making your family, with good friends supporting and you will feel more at peace. I have been in a similar situation as I had to step away, heal and then put my family first. Those who step up and are there for good and bad times are the ones to have in our lives, they are proper family and the ones to appreciate more so than blood. I hope all goes okay with the birth and don't stress about what you can't control. It will all work out.

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask but nor are IL unreasonable not to come back early. I think saying they'll have to wait a week to see the baby because of it is petty. You have friends who have volunteered to help, so just take them up on their offer. If family can help out, great, but I think when you decide to have children, you need to plan the logistics between you. You have three children already and family who don't live close by - DH might have to babysit instead of attending the birth.

I suppose it’s true that you don’t get to choose your exact due date, but you certainly can pick which months of the year you try to conceive in order to pick one in the year, you want to welcome a baby. I think they make a greater effort with the Australian contingent because they don’t get to see them all the time and they’re thinking is they can always see you in yours so it matters far less. And I feel you neither of my parents have done near the same things for my kids that they did for my sisters. I completely understand how easy it is to be resentful and hurt. And you can explain that and they can still decide that they’re going to do what they need to do. The fact is you do have other options. But justice they have the right to say they are not gonna be there for babies birth. You have the right to decide when they get access to that baby. People frequently get sick after traveling so saying that no you cannot see the baby until you’ve been home and well for a month is completely valid in my opinion-and they might not like that, but then you’re even. They are doing what’s best in their opinion for one set of grandchildren and you are doing what you think is best for your children. It doesn’t have to be personal if they think they’re constantly being out of the country for all of your kids, birthdays and not being present for your kids birth is not personal then you can set a boundary because you don’t want your kid to get sick and it’s not personal.

I actually would be upset by this, I think in this situation my parents would compromise and move the trip earlier and then come and help for the birth. That being said, I do think you're 'punishing' them by saying the can't visit the baby when they return because of potential illness yet you'd be fine with them cutting their trip short and helping out for the birth, where a potential illness is still possible. So it sounds like you are not allowing them to visit the baby because they aren't helping out.

"My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?"
Of course you feel hurt, anyone being honest would be. Particularly given how asymmetric the relationship between your MIL/FIL and you&DH has become (and possibly always was?). They take for granted that you will help them out, but this one important piece of help and it's an automatic 'no' - they'd rather follow their well-trodden rut of winter in Australia with their more-favoured daughters. It sucks.

"We do actually have a good relationship with my inlaws. "
Superficially I'm sure that's true. Because you don't ask for help, but provide it when asked. Well now you asked, and the reality of the relationship is laid bare. Your relationship with them is one of convenience - theirs.

I've always found favouritism like this uncomfortable, and I'm never comfortable with the people who practice it. But, they're in Manchester and you're in Scotland. And I think you should remind them of that next time they ring for help expecting your husband to travel hundreds of miles for their convenience. I'm sure they'd be just fine getting help from a more local source - friends, neighbours, or professional.

And perhaps time to plan for the future. IIRC, Australia isn't keen on retirees coming to live in/on the country permanently, so they'll be looking to you and your husband more and more. Just as you've had to set up your own support network of friends, I think it's time to suggest to MIL that she needs to be looking to her own future and do likewise - and you and your husband should be on the periphery of that network at most, given the distance and the need to prioritise your children's needs over their convenience.

It's shit but the comparisons will only make you feel negatively and it is ultimately up to them what they do. I can see why they don't want to cut the trip short but this sounds like a longer term case of favouritism but it's hard to call out because of the proximity.

Personally, I've found my ILs were excited for the first grandchild but not the second. Also show massive preference for my SILs kids, very rarely have they offered to have ours (no behaviour issues that would put them off). It can hardly surprise anyone that my DF is the favourite. But he is less able these days.

I sometimes wish my DC had lovely grannies like some of their friends but wishing won't make it so, and there are a fair few horrors out there too.

I think its bad timing, i've noticed with older people they don't like changing plans their plans are made unfortunately. I bet if they were not heading to Australia they would help. Don't feel bad and don't hold it against them. Make plans with your back up team.

Why exactly are you having a fourth child when you need your in laws support?

On a positive note you have friends to help. You could look into paid help like a doula to support you at hospital if dh needs to be with the other children.

Agree with this to a point,

my parents have booked a cruise around my due date more than once.

they have also done more childcare for my sister due to need/circumstances (some of which that she has a city job and my parents were retired when her kids came along).

I could feel put out or hard done by, or I can think that our childcare is our problem to solve and that they have their own lives separate to us. That they do what they can when they can and they have found helping my sister easier as they are now retired. It is what it it. I could nit pick about fairness or live my life seeing the best of intentions and not being bitter about it.

To be honest, I would feel happier calling friends who live around the corner than waiting for in laws faffing about getting in the car and driving up to Scotland.

Is it normal for Grandparents to do this? My parents lived 4 hours from me when I had my 3 children, and were both working. I leant on friends for help and we managed perfectly. My eldest son lives in Spain with his Costa Rican fiancee, so neither sets of working Grandparents could be there for the birth of grandchildren. So calling on Grandparents for birth cover isn't something I'm familiar with.

What intrigues me is that @RealRosePoet has said her in-laws live in Manchester and she lives in Scotland. With the speed my second and third children arrived, somebody living only an hour away wouldn't have got there in time. And babies don't arrive on due dates very often - I had one 2 weeks early, one 1 week early, and one very late as he was simply too comfortable in the womb. When were you expecting them to travel to Scotland in comparison to your due date?

I understand you feeling disappointed that your suggested plan isn't coming off, but rather than focus on your perception of unfairness and favouritism, let it go and focus on a plan B.

Your in-laws seem to spend one third of the year visiting two-thirds of their children in Australia. How lovely for them and the family in Aus. They spend two thirds of their time in the UK. How much time do you spend with them, which presumably also includes the Scottish school holidays?

Hello, ignore all these people. Seriously, his parents should know better, his sister should know better. What's wrong with this world... Dont ask stupid MN as they will tell you you chose to have another child and this is really good but you do need a bit of help. Just a little bit. I wouldn't ask them again, arrange a nanny/babysitter and tell them where they can go.

Double standards on this thread! It’s not ok for OP to ask for help during the birth of DC4 but it’s ok for SIL to require MIL to provide childcare for the entire summer holidays. Surely if she doesn’t have the means to arrange holiday fiver for her DC, she shouldn’t have had children? Not to mention that the cost of holiday clubs would be about a third of the cost of MIL’s flight!

@RealRosePoet of course it's reasonable and normal. I think some posters are being rather harsh, you can be very capable of coping with all of your children during day to day life, and manage with little or no support, but the birth of a child is exceptional circumstances. You should be able to rely on grandparents, as long as they are fit and well and capable of childcare. It seems a reasonable compromise to ask them to alter their planned trip by a week or two to be there for their grandchildren in the UK, so that their son can be present at the birth of this baby. I can understand that your DH feels hurt that his sisters and their childcare needs are being prioritised.

You can't force her, your SIL needs her as well since she can't afford childcare for the school holiday period, you both need her equally. Your MIL chose who she wants to help more. Most likely it's not that she likes her daughter more, she just chose a nice holiday in Australia looking after 1 kid rather than being in rainy UK looking after 3 kids.

Can your friends help? I empathise with you, it's hard to raise children without family support. My friend agreed to look after my firstborn when his brother was born. I went into labour at 9pm and thought baby wouldn't come until the next day (my first labour was 37 hours) so I didn't ask my friend to come and she went to sleep. Then things got serious fast and we left for hospital at 2am - we had to take our toddler with us. I was alone in the delivery room as my husband was in the waiting room with my sleeping toddler. Luckily (and stupidly) I waited too long and arrived at the hospital fully dilated, so baby was born within half an hour. We were home after a few hours. Worst case scenario happened and it wasn't that bad. You always have your husband to look after your kids

Yabu

I would significantly reduce help you give them. I bet they are expecting for you and your husband to look after them in old age.

Nothing is planned in child birth. What if you are early, what if you are late ..... They would be waiting around incase they will be called for help instead of being there for their daughter when she needs them.

This is the sister's time with her parent and I hope they keep that commitment because if this time is all her and her kids get with their grandparents in a year, they rely on it not just logistically but emotionally. You have the rest of the year to ask for help.

they already made a commitment to your SIL, who has arranged her summer to suit. It would be wrong of them to pull out now

Honestly I think you’re being over the top in feeling hurt. You have alternative child care from friends available so this then means you have childcare sorted and it also
means your SIL will have childcare sorted by the in-laws. Everyone wins. Why would you think it’s Ok to ask her to cut her trip short to babysit when they go 8 months at a time without seeing them?

I also think waiting a few days post long haul flight to see baby makes sense too. Agree with you there with all that recirculated air. I almost 100% of the time get unwell after flying and end up run down. Put your foot down on that one!

Really sorry to hear you’ve had cancer historically. Good luck with the remainder of the pregnancy and birth - hope it goes well.

Why do you think sil and bil can manage between them but you and your partner can't?

How would them coming back early help if you want them to back off for a week because of a long haul?

If they got I there first with the request for help, and youve got friends to help then you haven't really got much room to complain.

I don't know why you're getting shit on this post. No, you're not being unreasonable to be hurt. Of course taking care of your children while you're giving birth should be more important than covering school holidays. Of course it suggests a preference for your SIL. And it seems like your ILs relationship with you and your husband is take and no give. Yes, you can send DC to a friend but it's not the same and I would feel let down given that nothing is currently booked and they spend a third of the year supporting her and give you guys zero support.

’ a daughters a daughter all your life….a sons a son til he takes a wife’ so the saying goes!