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Original poster

Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

344 replies

RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 18:52

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

OP posts:
WarthogWoman · 28/08/2026 23:56

Normally I would be the first person to say that people need to not expect too much from grandparents but this seems a bit shit from them. Not so much the fact that they won’t be there for the birth but that they clearly prioritise one set of grandkids. I suspect a nice holiday in Australia every year is a big draw- I wonder if they would provide 6 weeks of free childcare if their daughters lived in Doncaster…
Yes they committed to this for their daughter but it sounds like they don’t really do anything for you guys at all. No one is entitled to that but they clearly feel it’s reasonable to provide childcare just not for you.

Thepossibility · 29/08/2026 00:15

RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 19:22

@KiwiFall you do realise that the could easily still go for 6 weeks and just book it so that the dates would suit both of us?

This makes no sense. The school holidays are on set dates and can't change to accommodate your due date? Just like you can't change your due date to accommodate the Australian school holiday dates?

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 29/08/2026 01:15

WerewolfOfLoudon · 28/08/2026 23:41

Spa weekend, holiday in Scotland. Huge resentment because the sisters wanted to spend a morning alone with their mum for her and one of their birthdays? Doesn't sound familiar to this at all 😂

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Oh of course!

Chilly80 · 29/08/2026 11:19

HeddaGarbled · 28/08/2026 23:51

If I had two daughters and grandchildren in Australia, wild horses couldn’t drag me away from an annual 6 week visit. Have some empathy.

They go for 4 months the 6 weeks will be on top of that so 5 and a half months

PensionPTake · 29/08/2026 11:40

Thepossibility · 29/08/2026 00:15

This makes no sense. The school holidays are on set dates and can't change to accommodate your due date? Just like you can't change your due date to accommodate the Australian school holiday dates?

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It doesn't make sense to me either. Op says sil would be without childcare for the last two weeks if pil returned for the birth, then claims that pil can do both without it affecting sil. Same as they go for 4 mths, but then it's end Sep to beg jan, which is 3 mths.

Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 29/08/2026 12:34

Sorry but why should grandparents be expected to look after grandchildren? Yabu to expect this..... Have a friend to have the 3 while in labour, then once babies are here your hubby can navigate it,
Whilst I get why you're jealous of your sil's sadly they will reach out to their mum (like I guess you would if things were different) we have family in Oz and we do long trips otherwise it's hardly worth the journey.

GoodkneeBadKnee · 29/08/2026 12:41

Chilly80 · 29/08/2026 11:19

They go for 4 months the 6 weeks will be on top of that so 5 and a half months

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Good for them!

nc43214321 · 30/08/2026 17:34

well as my parents and in-laws would say, boomer generation, you chose to have them so you need to crack on.

AgnesMcDoo · 30/08/2026 17:50

I think you are BU on each point including making up a quarantine post flight.

MummyOre · 30/08/2026 18:17

Honestly? You sound like really hard work and very entitled.

TwinklesToes · 30/08/2026 18:25

I’ve had this all through my marriage. My in laws have never stepped up to offer support. The most hurtful time was when my mother was dying in hospital and my MIL wouldn’t look after my DS because she was “meeting friends for a coffee. After 35 years I’ve never forgiven her for denying me one last chance to speak to my mother.

Maray1967 · 30/08/2026 21:11

I’d just take your friends up on their offer, and see in- laws when it suits you, not them.

Mummytobe1994 · 31/08/2026 18:14

I’m going to go against what people are saying and say i actually don’t think you’re being unreasonable or entitled to ask for help from your in laws. I think nowadays people don’t have a village anymore that they once had years ago and although they may not be able to alter their dates (although it sounds like they can) I think they should treat their children fairly and equally by offering the same amount of childcare annually or at least something as it sounds like they don’t offer any help for you compared to weeks/months free childcare for your SIL. I’d try and approach this with a calm head and sit down with in laws and explain you’re feeling overwhelmed at the thought of having no help, see if they are willing or able to help. If I had 3 children and no support like you I’d also be a bit resentful if my SILs were getting weeks of free childcare!

Sonia1111 · 31/08/2026 18:24

I'm Australian and live in the UK and as I make the trip back with my kids and husband regularly perhaps I can offer an insight. It's such a long trip, and jet lag plays such a strong factor, than going for less than 3 weeks makes it seem not worth the money and effort. We go for a month if we can. I can see that covering childcare in a lovely place at a time of year that isn't too hot would be appealing to your in-laws. I imagine they really enjoy helping their daughters and having that holiday every year. They likely feel that they can help you any time, so it is fair, or that they are more available to you.

I would feel the best thing to do is to be grateful for what you do have, otherwise you will be upset and cause family strife. Your friend sounds lovely and there's no reason it wouldn't work out great.

TheLemonLemur · 31/08/2026 18:30

You said you have friends you can ask? Personally I would do this rather than drag in laws into a battle of who do they want to see more. Some mothers have a stronger bond to grandchildren from their daughters rather than sons. Likewise you don't have to accept their terms about when they visit you.

EmmaB1309 · 31/08/2026 18:33

Yabu to have four children (by choice) and just expect others to drop everything to support you.
And you kinda did choose your due date by having sex (presumably unprotected) nine months before it!
Sorry I know that sounds terribly judgy but I can’t stand when kids ‘expect’ childcare from grandparents.

Singlemumto4k · 31/08/2026 18:36

I can see why you are upset but if they only see these other grandchildren for 4 months a year then that leaves the other 8 months they can help you. It's unfortunate that it falls at the time you are due but if they've already made the commitments to help and spend time with the others then it's an ahole move to get them to end their trip early x

StressedOutPeanut · 31/08/2026 18:38

Surely this is something you'd consider before having a fourth child. Looking after 3 kids is not for the faint hearted. Yabu.

BitterTits · 31/08/2026 18:42

So you're ok with them seeing your children and presumably the baby after a long haul flight if they come back early to help you, but not if they don't come back early. This is next-level entitlement.

Advocodo · 31/08/2026 18:43

i know it’s not fair but it is what it is. Try not to get upset about it and use any offers of friends. Daughters often get the most help.

Insertcreativenamehere · 31/08/2026 18:48

YABU

thepariscrimefiles · 31/08/2026 18:49

RealRosePoet · 28/08/2026 19:12

Finding these responses b interesting. We were initially hurt because we have friends almost in a like for like situation and their parents have dropped everything to help them. They view it that the birth of a granchild trumps school holidays.

Also we get zero help during the school holidays and just get on with it so didn’t see it as being a big deal

Your MIL doesn't sound very nice to you and your DH and it's clear that your family comes last in your DH's family hierarchy. No wonder your DH is upset.

Your MIL is a complete hypocrite if she refuses to return early to help look after your children when you have your baby so your DH can be present at the birth but is annoyed because you won't let her come and see the baby immediately on her return.

I won't say I'm surprise at the horrible commentson here because some posters are twats, but I'm surprised that they are equally as awful on the Relationships board as they are on AIBU.

Freakyfriday777 · 31/08/2026 18:51

I feel your pain op. Those in laws we are now no contact with following a long string of favouritism of my dh sister and her children. When I was in labour and my parents had already missed 5 days off work helping with childcare etc and said they really needed to go back to work ideally the following day if we could sort childcare from mil. Dh rang her while I was in labour to ask and she said no “incase she hasn’t had the baby by 4pm the next day as I have to take (favourite) gc to netball and can’t let her down..” hahahaha oh there has been soooo many examples I can’t even begin to tell you but that was a particular favourite. Especially when the gc own mum can actually take her but she just liked her nan taking her and it was now “their thing”. I shouted out mid contraction some choice words about not bothering and that was the beginning of the end.

I do feel people are focusing on “this” particular event when this is likely the straw that broke the camels back in reality of instances of being let down.

❤️

Ralstan · 31/08/2026 18:56

YABU
You have chosen to have a fourth child, which is a luxury for many. Also given your high risk issues etc maybe they think you are being rash. At the end of the day they are not there to look after you or your choices.

It's natural they will be closer to their daughters children and if they are so far away of course it's unreasonable to expect them to change their plans to accommodate you.

you chose to have children-you can't get annoyed if your in laws are not there to help.

Moellen54 · 31/08/2026 18:59

I think this is a
Suck it up scenario. I sympathise. My in laws never voluntarily offered child care or even Xmas day lunch. But
MIL died when my eldest was 13 and every Sunday after that FIL had to come for lunch, with BILin tow most times. Over 15 years of it. Dont let your life be like that. Set your realistic boundaries now