I seem to attract a lot of older men- how do I get them to back off?

[Laura2121]

Hi everyone,

I’m in my mid 30s but I tend to relate well to older people, be it in terms of film tastes, hobbies or mature/ intellectual conversations. This has resulted in most of my good friends being in their 50s and 60s, a lot of whom I met from work (I’m a secondary school teacher). We gravitate towards each other!

Where this interest is not mutual though is in how I also attract a lot of older males who are interested in me romantically. I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner. I see them as friends and naturally don’t give any hint of any interest beyond that my end, no flirting or anything, but they seem to get a little encouraged by my friendly and smiley nature a little and start pursuing me a little too much.

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age. I’m not interested in him but tried to be gentle and polite when trying to convey this to him.

I try to get individuals like him to back off politely and with subtlety as to not cause offence since I value their friendship, but this doesn’t seem to work. This aforementioned individual doesn’t seem to quite get the hint and is still trying to get me to agree to spending 1:1 time with him, but I’m not interested and don’t want to encourage these unrequited feelings from him to keep growing by giving him my company. But that is where the difficulty lies because I do value him as a friend, albeit he’s a relatively new friend, and if it’s like anything like what I’ve experienced a few times before, it may be just a temporary association as he gives up hope that feelings will develop my end.

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me, but it’s still sad since I choose to get close to very few people. I am wondering how to deal with this issue? I am not really one to lie so I tend not to use the ‘I have a boyfriend’ white lie, but there surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

Thank you for your advice 🙏

Keep belitting them.

'Do you have any daughters my age? I am looking to make new friends'

'Its so nice talking to you, I don't really get to see my Grandad much these days'

Make it clear that you see them as old men.

You have to be really firm, even if it feels rude to you. Being very polite and gentle encourages them, because it lets them feel they can negotiate.
As you say, it was never a real friendship if they always hoped for more. Your friendship wasn’t enough.
If they are really thick skinned, tell them bluntly that you don’t want a relationship with a man 20 years older, just as they don’t want one with a woman 20 years older than them.

“he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. “He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age.”

Christ what a misogynistic old creep. Imagine women your own age not being attractive enough for you but thinking you will appeal to a much younger woman. There is no need to let him down gently, tell him he reminds you of your granddad and you aren’t physically attracted to elderly men.

Stop being polite and smiley. It’s not working. ‘No, Nigel, you remind me of my dad.’ ‘Malcolm, let me make it very plain I have zero romantic interest in you, or indeed in anyone else old enough to be my father.’

Also, your lawyer friend is a creep. He doesn’t find women of his own age attractive intellectually or physically, whereas women in their 20s and 30s are intellectual giants as well as pert? 🙄

I’d suggest with him that you continually point out women who are approximately as much older than him as he is to you. If he’s 60, point out women in their mid-80s and ask if he finds them attractive. When he says no, say ‘Well, I feel the same when I look at you!’

Yes, he’s a classic creepy older man, OP. It’s concerning you don’t see this.

You think of these people as friends, but thats not how they view you despite what they say. They think they are playing the long game and you will develop a sexual attraction to them. Its not a genuine friendship from them, so be blunt when needed. They arent really invested in your friendship so you won't be hurting them, they will just move on to the next target. Ive been there many times. Good news is that as you get older it does stop, im now mid 50s and no longer suffer from this particular irritation.

You have to bluntly tell them absolutely not. I’m 35 and get the same - idk why these guys think women in their 30s would be interested. I’ve also heard the I’m not attracted to women my own age crap, but that’s ok because I’m not interested in men the same age as my dad.

Also, as others have said this guy isn’t a genuine friend.

Why do you value the friendship of a creepy, deluded misogynist who won't take no for an answer? Raise your standards.

Lechy old male lawyer. Plenty of those around. Block

'Old men'? I'm assuming these guys are mostly in their sixties. 🙄

She says 50s and 60s in the OP.
I'd class 60s as old (but not 50s as I'm in my 50s :) ).

The previous post about not being attracted to elderly men made me laugh.

It was eye opening for me at the time, but when I was in my early thirties I tried online dating and the oldest person to reply was a 66 year old. Most replies were at least a 25 year age gap. All pot bellied old men, describing themselves as 'young at heart'.

In real life It's the same. People I wouldn't expect make advances. Particularly old married men. I have zero interest and can't imagine why they assume they are a catch. Its grim.

I have no advice but find myself in similar situations.

I think that men of all ages don't understand that women are just being friendly

They might be intellectual but they are still creeps! You are literally describing old creepy guys. With a dash of misogyny to boot. I've struggled ha with things like this all my life and post 40 cynicism has shown me that most of the guys who became friends with me probably did want to sleep with me. And lots have tried at some point.
I've always been an open, smiley type person and willing to engage in conversation with older men or oddball types, I'm a bit of an oddball myself. These guys probably weren't used to slim attractive youthful women bothering with them much. If this happens they usually want to sleep with you. If I'm honest with myself now.
I'm always reading on here that men generally only become friends or notice women that they have some initial attraction to. How many older 60 odd or older women get befriended in the same way younger women do? Or get white knight treatment? I think it must go down drastically. I'm early 40s now and not invisible yet but I feel like it's an experiment in real time!
Sorry for this cynical post but I do recognise so much in what you said. You just need to be blunt and a bit bitchy back probably!

Therefore they seem like old men to the OP in the sense that they’re her father’s age.

And women don’t understand that men who are being friendly aren’t being “nice” but are either trying to shag them or if married and not up for an affair are imagining themselves shagging them.

Men don’t bother with women they don’t find sexually attractive. They do
n’t even talk to them unless they have to e.g. at work. When you figure that out, it saves such a lot of hassle. I just ignore men now.

In what way are they persistent?
Arw they all asking you out directly? Then a very direct "sorry, you're too odl for me, you're my Dad's age" is sufficient in rinse and repeat. And then nayoen who needs telling more than twice I'd just cut out.
If they're trying to push you physically to sit next to you, cuddle you, touch you then very obviously push their hand off / move and comment "no, do not do that"

“One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective”.

So, he doesn’t fancy women his own age as they are over the hill in his opinion, he likes them young.

Who does he think he is, Gods gift that he can pull someone 20 years younger. Or, is he just a perv?

He doesn’t like women intellectually his own age.

Thats because women his age are menopausal and they’ll just not put up with this misogynist crap from a slimy creep like him.

I’d just say “aww Nigel, you’re so nice. Have you met my Grandad. You should get together”.

Or, just say you don’t go out with old men as they have saggy balls.

It might go against your natural grain, but you need to stop being so warm and friendly towards older men and become more standoffish. I learned how to do it, and it is a nuisance, but if you are smiley and chatty they do tend to get the wrong idea and then develop a hankering after you. It is really tiresome, I know.

'a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. '

• doesnt realise that he's being a creepy old man and thinks he's justified in it
• writing off women his age intellectually, wtf even is this, its giving 'women my own age are not as impressed by me as younger woman'
• saying its your behaviour 'gives men the wrong idea' when you are literally behaving normally. You arent giving any signals, its that these men think you not actively being hostile/ignoring them means you fancy them, and thats fucked up.

Why would you want to be friends with this man?

They're desperately looking for younger models to care for them in their dotage and Viagra gives them the confidence that they're able to play the game still.

I think you need to stop being so friendly, sadly, because it's taken as interest.

You were quite right when your wrote 'I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me'.

So with this in mind, why are you so desperate to keep 'friendships' with people who can't respect your boundaries and see you as a potential shag rather than a human being?

I think this post is a "light blue touch paper and retire" type of post. Probably a journo.

So you become friends with all these older men, they then tell you that they fancy you and when you say this is not reciprocal, they stop being your friend?

I mean, how many times has this happened and why do you need or want them as friends after they have declared their admiration and you have stated your position?

Surely, they are all a bit shallow if they are admitting through this action that they were only ever chatting you up?

Forget it and spend time with other friends!

Why would you want to be friends with disgusting pervy old scrotes? Why?