I seem to attract a lot of older men- how do I get them to back off?

[Laura2121]

Hi everyone,

I’m in my mid 30s but I tend to relate well to older people, be it in terms of film tastes, hobbies or mature/ intellectual conversations. This has resulted in most of my good friends being in their 50s and 60s, a lot of whom I met from work (I’m a secondary school teacher). We gravitate towards each other!

Where this interest is not mutual though is in how I also attract a lot of older males who are interested in me romantically. I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner. I see them as friends and naturally don’t give any hint of any interest beyond that my end, no flirting or anything, but they seem to get a little encouraged by my friendly and smiley nature a little and start pursuing me a little too much.

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age. I’m not interested in him but tried to be gentle and polite when trying to convey this to him.

I try to get individuals like him to back off politely and with subtlety as to not cause offence since I value their friendship, but this doesn’t seem to work. This aforementioned individual doesn’t seem to quite get the hint and is still trying to get me to agree to spending 1:1 time with him, but I’m not interested and don’t want to encourage these unrequited feelings from him to keep growing by giving him my company. But that is where the difficulty lies because I do value him as a friend, albeit he’s a relatively new friend, and if it’s like anything like what I’ve experienced a few times before, it may be just a temporary association as he gives up hope that feelings will develop my end.

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me, but it’s still sad since I choose to get close to very few people. I am wondering how to deal with this issue? I am not really one to lie so I tend not to use the ‘I have a boyfriend’ white lie, but there surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

Thank you for your advice 🙏

…and how does he regard his equally senior female colleagues, their knowledge and intellect?

oh, it’s their willingness to spend time on and smile at him that they lack? Ok.

From the OP:

Do I also engage with and attract younger men my age? Yes, but I just often find them to lack the maturity that I find appealing when talking with someone, and it is for this reason that my platonic friends tend to be older too. I find older people more interesting to talk to

Is this not equivalently arrogant though?

@moderatei was simply explaining ‘what the man did wrong’ to the poster who didn’t think the men are doing anything wrong. Hence I quoted it. I wasn’t making any comment on the op.

Remove “gently” from your last paragraph, and you should find things improve. You do sound lovely, OP, and it’s possible to be assertive without being rude.
Make those boundaries very clear. I don’t think a friendship will be possible, as men like this can be VERY persuasive and will hope to wear you down while pretending to be friends.

Speaking for myself it’s not the showing an interest in a younger woman that’s creepy. Nothing wrong with that if everyone’s single. It’s telling OP that women his age are unattractive and intellectually uninteresting (really difficult not to wince as I write that, it’s so cringey) and not backing off when OP makes it clear she’s not interested.

Are all entitled creepy old men, entitled creepy old men or does that change if they have a degree 🤔 .

If these chaps were well read plumbers I suspect you’d be more direct Op.

My thoughts exactly. What a disgusting pig of a man.

Indeed.

so I think the answer is fairly unanimous on this thread to **’how do I get them to back off?’

answer - by recognising that when they make comments like this bloke did, you point out to them how disgusting (and stupid, and misogynistic) a comment it is. Or, if you don’t like conflict, you internally note that it’s a disgusting comment, and never speak to this man again. What you don’t do, is think it’s some kind of compliment to you.

But the extent of his arrogance exists relative to the OP’s own expectations.

This is exactly the approach to take IMO. Like asking someone to explain a sexist or racist joke — watch them squirm!

Grow up. I'm a woman.

Is it only older men you form these binds with or women as well?

Are you serious? That will turn them on.

Wise up my friend. You are naive to think these old codgers are looking at you as "a friend." THere isn't a man on this planet unless he is gay that wants to be "your friend." Men settle for friendship when the woman won't sleep with them but they think they have a chance so they hang around and talk to her under the guise of "friendship" looking for you to have a weak moment. Stop being naive. These guys are looking for you to be young and dumb and for them to get what they want out of you like they do so many other younger women. When these old fools approach you, just tell them "do you know my Dad?" or ask them "how many grandchildren do you have?" or "what are your retirement plans... maybe you and my Dad can buddy up!"

That will let them know right off the bat that it ain't happening. If they act stupid you can get rude like me and say "you know, i wonder who i will date or marry when i am your age because I really don't like old men... I like hard bodied young men and will until I die." Their faces would fall and they would look embarrassed and I would laugh. But hopefully you aren't as mean as me when i was younger. It gets on my nerves how those old dried up fools always want to victimize a young woman. Yuck.

Agreed. Totally arrogant and offputting. Coming off like she is such an intellectual giant on a par with Nietzche or something, acting like there isn't anything about her conversation or hobbies or interests or outlook that is immature or just plain dumb. SMH. She may find older people more interesting to talk to but that doesn't mean the feeling is mutual!! And let's just be blunt - old men aren't talking to you for intellectual purposes - they are looking for sexual services. So anything you want to think about them that works in their favor, they are gonna run that play.

Yes well, as you've now found out to your cost, you simply cannot form a close or warm friendship/bond with a heterosexual man without the relatively high possibility of them thinking you are leading them on in some way, and that you 'like' them. They get a bit giddy and besotted. Apart from anything else, their wives will severely dislike you for it.

The only answer is to keep them as arms' length acquaintances, and be friends without being so 'friendly'.

I'm basically saying that most men that age would not think of a 35 year old woman as someone who they naturally want a friendship with. Likewise most women that age would not see 50-60 year old men as someone they want to be friends with.

That most people of the opposite sex may think a person showing interest and getting close may be wanting something more, as they do. It's generally how dating begins in the real world. Just because they are older, doesn't mean they are all creepy if they think there could be something there.

Yes, I guess I am saying that the OP could be giving off the wrong impression and giving false hope to these men. As most wouldn't assume someone her age would want to be befriending older men, as it is very much out of the norm. It is odd that she is zoning in on older men as possible meaningful friendships, over and over again

I too seem to have older straight men attracted to me. It was actually reading MN which made me realise what the problem is.

There is a large proportion of men who are only friends with women who they fancy. Men don't do platonic relationships. They do male friends and women they're attracted to. Now I don't think that true of every man but look at the loneliness epidemic amongst men. They don't talk about their feelings with other men and they don't have women friends like that they can talk about it with either. Again, not all men. But fascinating that men don't always see platonic friendships where women do.

So I find it very easy to believe you want platonic relationships with these men. But because men only want to be friends with women they fancy and can't imagine why a woman would be friendly to them unless she fancied them it gives a weird dynamic. Where he's judging your friendliness by his standards.

I'm not making a lot of sense (long week) but do you see what I mean?

Why are you worrying about trying to stay friends with someone who is only being nice to you because he fancies you? How many women of his own age is he asking to spend time alone with? Just because they’re his friend and he enjoys their company?

Whatever the age gap is between you, ask him how many women he has dated that are that much older than him. When he invariably tells you none, ask him why he would imagine that you’d want to date someone that much older than you, when he wouldn’t date someone that much older than him.

Or tell him you didn’t realise he was that arrogant. And when he asks you what you mean, ask him why he thinks a man of his age would be of any interest to a woman so much younger. What is it about him that he thinks is special enough to make you not notice his age?

Saw this pic today & thought it appropriate for this thread!

OP a younger woman giving any man of 20/30 years age different the time of day is going to think they luck is in … are you doing this because you know they going to want you and it’s an ego thing (subconsciously) .. because you can’t be so naive to think they see you as just a friend, I mean when you go out or meet is it 50/50 on food and drinks etc

I've said this before on here but I've never really understood the men & women can't be friends thing, I'm male & have had good female mates alongside my male mates for ever. Heck I stayed at a female friends last wk a couple of days, she's married, I get on ok with her husband but we aren't pals & he doesn't think I'm trying to shag his his missus, because I'd have tried in the 30 yrs we've been pals before they'd met & we've both been single during those times.

I've slept in twin bed rooms with female mates, shared cabins on boats, been in many hostel dorms when travelling when younger with them. Even when hammered at parties been in the same bed, but for sleep only.

I'm a regular straight bloke, not gay or uninterested in women but there's a line with your friends. I don't expect my gay male mates to try it on either.

I like female friendships, it's a different type of friendship to blokes. I think its odd to discount roughly 50% of the population from being mates really, when I have friends of ethnicities that are very low percentages but that's considered normal, but friends in the 50% is.

THere isn't a man on this planet unless he is gay that wants to be "your friend."

This is just nonsense. One of my oldest and dearest friends is a straight man. We are now both married to other people, but met when single. Nothing ever happened even when we were single, because we have never had any romantic/sexual interest in one another whatsoever. I refuse to believe I am the only woman on the planet with a genuinely platonic friendship with a straight man. It's just nuts to declare so unequivocally that it never happens.

This makes me so sad, I was friends with a group of lovely guys in my 20s, yes a couple tried it on when we were drunk and backed off right away but generally I felt they were real friendships, we went on holidays, spent time sober, they looked after me a a very vulnerable time in my life. Now I question if they all fancied me, I’m still friend with some to a lesser extent as it became hard once they had partners. There are two who I know just didn’t see my on that way at all guaranteed but now I’m questioning the rest and I feel as if I was a bit daft now

Yes, total nonsense. I have close male friends. If they're secretly desperate to sleep with a cantankerous, married fiftysomething, they've been playing the long game for three decades in some cases.