I seem to attract a lot of older men- how do I get them to back off?

[Laura2121]

Hi everyone,

I’m in my mid 30s but I tend to relate well to older people, be it in terms of film tastes, hobbies or mature/ intellectual conversations. This has resulted in most of my good friends being in their 50s and 60s, a lot of whom I met from work (I’m a secondary school teacher). We gravitate towards each other!

Where this interest is not mutual though is in how I also attract a lot of older males who are interested in me romantically. I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner. I see them as friends and naturally don’t give any hint of any interest beyond that my end, no flirting or anything, but they seem to get a little encouraged by my friendly and smiley nature a little and start pursuing me a little too much.

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age. I’m not interested in him but tried to be gentle and polite when trying to convey this to him.

I try to get individuals like him to back off politely and with subtlety as to not cause offence since I value their friendship, but this doesn’t seem to work. This aforementioned individual doesn’t seem to quite get the hint and is still trying to get me to agree to spending 1:1 time with him, but I’m not interested and don’t want to encourage these unrequited feelings from him to keep growing by giving him my company. But that is where the difficulty lies because I do value him as a friend, albeit he’s a relatively new friend, and if it’s like anything like what I’ve experienced a few times before, it may be just a temporary association as he gives up hope that feelings will develop my end.

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me, but it’s still sad since I choose to get close to very few people. I am wondering how to deal with this issue? I am not really one to lie so I tend not to use the ‘I have a boyfriend’ white lie, but there surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

Thank you for your advice 🙏

Last time I declined the advances of a man 20 years older than me, I tried to keep it light hearted by saying I am not looking for a sugar Daddy. He replied “oh I am not rich!” I am not quite sure what he thought was in it for me 🤣

I don’t know… in my area at least she has them spot on!

To be fair the older men in my area are pink rather than grey. Sweaty and pink, no matter the weather.

Is your father an unpleasant sweaty pink man?

Do you believe it when they say they’re rarely attracted to younger women and you’re just so special? 🤣 I would maybe start there and work backwards….

Most men have one thing in common whatever age they are.

They want to fuck you.

Most Men are only interested in developing friendships with women they want to fuck. They might not ever tell you that but basically that is the top and bottom of it.

No my father is/was an unpleasant, skinny, sickly, grey man. He wasn’t from my area though.

My mother’s current partner is a pleasant sweaty pink man though, does that count?

Yeah I figured this out pretty fast as a young woman.

It's fascinating how now I am much older and chubbier no men feel the need to confide their deepest hopes and dreams and marital problems in me. And I never sought the attention either.

Probably be a very unpopular opinion, but most guys in their 50s and 60s will not see women in their mid 30s as someone to befriend platonically. Likewise most women in their mid 30s would not see men around 20 years older as someone to befriend platonically. Them getting this interest outside of the social norms, they might think that maybe this 'friendship' is the start of a romance. They should back the fuck up when you tell them you don't feel the same way, but until then I don't think they can be labeled creepy old men doing wrong by misunderstanding the situation. The lawyer you mentioned does sound like he is actually on the hunt for a younger woman and thought he had found 1, dont think you can have any sort of friendship with him.

I think it would be exactly the same if they were of simular age to you. Single woman single man getting on well. Have some connection. It is how people come to date. Single men will think single women befriending them might be interested no matter what their age, so the only way to avoid older men coming onto you is to not give them any hope. If they are married, then also best to avoid, why risk making the wife feel uncomfortable with her DH befriending a women 20 years their junior

But given these are not your own age, those guys are the same generation as my parents, who would be even less likely to seek a platonic friendship of the opposite sex. They all mixed as couples and maybe mix sex as at school. But often if guys wanted fun it would involve leaving the women at home or doing seperate activities. If you want friendships with older people them what is wrong with the women that age? How is this issue so frequent it is about a series of men and not just 1 or 2? It sounds like you are seeking specifically older men for friendships, as you say you don't have many friends, so there cant be a lot of the female equivalents you are befriending

This. I don’t believe for a minute that more than a very very few mid/50s men genuinely want a friendship only with a woman 20 years younger

I think the poster who suggested telling them you’re a lesbian nailed it. It’s a great weeder-outer. If women said this to all men they only wanted as friends I’m quite sure that would be the end of their interactions. It’s pathetic.

Do you really need to be friends with lots of older men? Why? Be friends with women 🤷‍♀️
and just friendly but not close with men

I wouldn't even mention the age difference as it gives him an "objection" to focus on and try to overcome. He's amazing and fabulous and you are just too blinded to see it, all because of something completely unimportant like age! Now it's his job and mission to help you overcome your prejudices and let him "get to yes".

Just say no, you are not interested in a sexual or romantic relationship with him, your feelings are completely platonic and will remain that way and (if he doesn't stop) his continued approaches are making you uncomfortable. If he can't respect that and back off, he's not someone who ever would or could have been a good friend to you.

I’m not sure. Is he saggy balled?

I’m wondering if this “a man 20 years older than you only talks to you because he wants sex” rule applies to stepfathers.

It doesn’t work unfortunately.

I don't know why you're all labelling men that show an interest in women as creepy.
If it was a teenage woman with older men in pursuit then yes but a woman in her thirties is different. It's perfectly acceptable for men to show an interest, she said herself they had a lot of common ground, they're not doing anything wrong ffs

It’s the arrogance and entitlement that is off-putting.

Found the old man!

I had this a lot when I was younger. I was naive and didn't realise that most men who approach you have zero interest in friendship. I now make it really clear that I'm not interested straight away and they disappear quickly.

It is not different. It's the age difference. They're creeps because they're under the illusion that somehow, by basically insulting women of their own age is somehow making them attractive. It's highly likely that women of they're own age are not attracted to them because they personally are deluded creeps, they then aim at younger women because they're hedging their bets.

I now feel strangely grateful to the 30-something obvious odd-balls I encountered at 18/19 who so naturally prompted the questions ‘why can’t they attract women their own age?’ and ‘what do women their own age think of them?’ for providing such a clearly-signalled ‘beginner’s guide to age-inappropriate creepy blokes.’

It has stood me in good stead as I’ve got older and encountered the subtler formats.

I think the reason older men go for younger women is twofold…

1. they like their youth
2. these type of men (deluded, entitled, arrogant, misogynist, objectifying women) can’t actually get women their own age because women their own age see them for who they are immediately, and reject.

I think 2 happens far more than people realise

Are you basically blaming her because creepy older men are trying it on with her?

But like other posters I am intrigued to know what happened when you raised the obvious question in response to lawyer-bloke; ‘so you think bright, intellectually curious young women lose rather than gain knowledge with age. How does that work?’

Im afraid you need to be more blunt. Those who want friendship will stick around. Those who don’t, won’t, but at least you will shake them off quick. Some men misinterpret being let down very gently as there still being hope. For your lawyer friend in his fifties, I’d say ‘look Nigel would you be interested in a woman in her 70s however nice she was? (when he assures you no), well that is you from my perspective. I could never be interested’.