I seem to attract a lot of older men- how do I get them to back off?

[Laura2121]

Hi everyone,

I’m in my mid 30s but I tend to relate well to older people, be it in terms of film tastes, hobbies or mature/ intellectual conversations. This has resulted in most of my good friends being in their 50s and 60s, a lot of whom I met from work (I’m a secondary school teacher). We gravitate towards each other!

Where this interest is not mutual though is in how I also attract a lot of older males who are interested in me romantically. I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner. I see them as friends and naturally don’t give any hint of any interest beyond that my end, no flirting or anything, but they seem to get a little encouraged by my friendly and smiley nature a little and start pursuing me a little too much.

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age. I’m not interested in him but tried to be gentle and polite when trying to convey this to him.

I try to get individuals like him to back off politely and with subtlety as to not cause offence since I value their friendship, but this doesn’t seem to work. This aforementioned individual doesn’t seem to quite get the hint and is still trying to get me to agree to spending 1:1 time with him, but I’m not interested and don’t want to encourage these unrequited feelings from him to keep growing by giving him my company. But that is where the difficulty lies because I do value him as a friend, albeit he’s a relatively new friend, and if it’s like anything like what I’ve experienced a few times before, it may be just a temporary association as he gives up hope that feelings will develop my end.

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me, but it’s still sad since I choose to get close to very few people. I am wondering how to deal with this issue? I am not really one to lie so I tend not to use the ‘I have a boyfriend’ white lie, but there surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

Thank you for your advice 🙏

The first para of this post is a quote from OP

It is madness to keep repeating the same test and getting the same results.

Op why does seeing the good in someone mean you have to be their friend? Wolves are awesome, I certainly wouldn’t out them in my sheep’s enclosure though.

Assume they have an ulterior motive and stay away. Men who want to fuck you are NOT friends and they never will be. They have a hidden agenda (well, not well hidden tbh). So what if they are interesting? They are a threat to you.

Stick with the gay guys. They make far better friends to straight women than lonely egotistical older men.

I have a gay bestie.

But it’s important to note that LOTS of gay men hate women. They are still men after all.

Be careful of these older men especially in a work environment. From personal experience these creeps can be career ending literally

And heads up op, any variety of. “Oh other women are xyz and you’re not like that” and. “Other woman just don’t get me like you” is GROOMING.

Common abuser tactic to make you feel like you are special to them somehow. It’s all hot air.

If you feel unable to just tell them directly that you’re not interested you could just say you have a boyfriend.

My friend Nicola (tall, blonde and gorgeous) was forever being chatted up by "old blokes" when we were in our 20s to 30s. She had a brilliant line which sent them scurrying away - "I'm looking for a partner, not a pal for my dad!"

Thank you so much for your further posts, this is all very helpful, and making me feel less inclined to give these people as much of my friendship. Even despite knowing that I’m not interested, this particular individual who’s been by most recent experience of this issue still seems to be harbouring some hope.

Eg we happen to be going to the same friends gathering this weekend, and he asked me if we could walk together there beforehand (he lives near me), as well as spend time together afterwards!! To both of these suggestions I said no and gave ‘polite excuses’ like I’ll be doing some shopping beforehand and that I’ve got somewhere else to go afterwards so no. I think he is finally getting the hint; if not I’ll need to be more direct about this. I would have loved to have spent time with him since I love conversing with him about (platonic) things I can’t talk to many other people about, but from the comments he made last time about ‘wishing that I liked him in that way’ and also from the insights from you lovely people, now I feel very conscious of him harbouring ulterior motives so that’ll outweigh the enjoyment of the conversations that I would prefer to have a platonic backdrop.

Just to address one or two questions that came up in the comments directed towards me- why do I engage with older men? The same reason I make friends with older people as detailed in my first post. Do I also engage with and attract younger men my age? Yes, but I just often find them to lack the maturity that I find appealing when talking with someone, and it is for this reason that my platonic friends tend to be older too. I find older people more interesting to talk to so it’s just a big inconvenience when unrequited romantic feelings get in the way and those connections end up amounting to nothing. I definitely will put more time into meeting people my age; this issue getting increasingly annoying is encouraging me to do that!!

Yeah I know. Should have put a 😏or something.

why do I engage with older men? The same reason I make friends with older people as detailed in my first post.

If you're as smart as these old guys tell you you are, you know they're after sex not friendship so why would you waste your time?

If you want to talk to smart people, join Mensa. Join groups that talk about your particular intellectual interests.

Exactly the same way you deal with any man who expresses a romantic interest in you, but that you don't want to date
"Thanks for putting yourself out there and I appreciate the offer of dinner, but I'm not looking for this kind of romantic relationship now".
It's true, but kinder than point blank saying I don't fancy you.
If you want, you can add. "I'm happy to go to dinner as friends, but respect that if it feels awkward, it might not be the best idea right now".

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective

What did you think of your “friend “ saying this OP?

Do I also engage with and attract younger men my age? Yes, but I just often find them to lack the maturity that I find appealing when talking with someone

I don’t wish to be rude and it’s good that you’re taking on people’s comments but the fact that you weren’t instantly put off any wish for friendship by your friend’s comments about women his age doesn’t scream maturity to me. Most women have sussed out the “you’re not like the other girls” sleazes by your age.

Maybe you’d benefit from spending more time with people your own age.

Men in their fifties rarely pursue women their own age. A quick glance at dating sites confirms this - they're all after women in their thirties or at a push early forties. Probably emotionally frail after their menopausal exes got bored of their horsecrap and divorced them.

As for what you can do to stop it - I dunno, maybe grow a beard? Shit yourself in public? Although I doubt even that would work, for some of them.

In time you'll be in your fifties yourself, and then they'll leave you alone. It'll be the 70-somethings after you at that point.

Be careful of men your own age too, most of them don’t want to be buddies either. Maybe 10-20 percent you can trust are fine with that but unfortunately most men don’t want to be just friends with most women. Group things are sometimes ok as they see you as part of the group of mates that gets them out and about. But if he’s pursuing something independently with you and not gay, you can pretty much bet he is hoping it’ll turn romantic.

Men who just want to be friends with women are the exception, not the rule. Of course they might not fancy you but, even then, it’s often about power balance anyway not attraction.

@Laura2121 you say that this thread has encouraged you not to give these men as much of your friendship

Really - I think you are either rather odd or you're secretly (or perhaps not so secretly) enjoying the attention

An older man obviously wanting sex with you (unless you want sex with him) and barely taking no for an answer, is frankly utterly disgusting and repulsive

How strange that you keep any amount of friendship on the table

How on earth can they be more mature when they’re acting like a 16 year old boy? Op it’s clear this is a pattern and you surround yourself with older men who only want to shag you, that’s not maturity.
You’re being incredibly naive.

Oh Christ… I think I may know your lawyer friend. As a pp said give old lawyers a wide birth. Most of them are depraved. And more than a few judges too ( male and female).

he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective

He's not attracted to women with greater experience of the world, because they clock him for exactly the creep he is.

For someone who posted that they don't let many people get close to them, you sure have alot of friends. 'Some of my best friends are middle aged gay men'. How many best friends do you have that you can sub categorise them. So far we have same age best friends, creepy older men friends, middle aged gay men best friends. Try some nice women best friends. Though obvious sub group them into Lesbian best friends and bisexual best friends.
You don't need to be connecting with the creepy older men from what you post. You can do just fine without them. That's if you want to be without them, of course.
And the bit in your next post about creating more connections with men same age. Being the same age won't stop them trying the same things. You'll need a best friend filter for them too.

Older men who are attracted to you often are a lot friendlier and "easier" . They make a lot of social effort. They will (pretend) to be intellectually interested in you

Especially if you have had negative experiences when it comes to female friendships or people your own age, or haven't got the "big group" of friends from uni or work.

So the old guys are a welcome break from perceived potential rejection or bullying.

However, the interest is very conditional - as soon as you reject them they'll turn nasty very quickly.

Even if you did give in and dated them all the "intellectual conversation" would stop and they'd make it clear they just want a nurse and the ego boost of an attractive woman with them.

I definitely get feeling lonely, or not fitting in or finding your "tribe" which can make you vulnerable to love bombing old geezers.

But find some self care practices and try to find groups (different ages and genders) of people you do fit into. They do exist if you try different places over a year or so.

You’re trying to keep them as friends. They don’t want your friendship. Therefore you should be firm and lose them as they are false friends who actually hope they’ll wear you down into accepting romance.

Your warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea? So your fault that the poor men can't help themselves when they touch you. Fucking hell.

I have been in tears today as a neighbour has been helping in the garden, he's old enough to be my dad, his kids are my age, and he's overstepped massively . Brought back all the abuse I've had as a child and from men as I got older who wouldn't keep their hands to themselves. It's devastated me.

DD is quite the fox, I have learnt from her, she is masterful at repelling blokes she gets to do it a lot.

Just be blunt, unemotional, direct.

"I think you might be trying to ask me out so I have to tell you that You're too old for me and not my type anyway. You have no chance if that's what you're after."

Guys like to know where they stand. You don't need to belittle or ridicule them.

Stop flirting.

You may see it as banter/conversation or whatever, but it's perceived as flirting.