I seem to attract a lot of older men- how do I get them to back off?

[Laura2121]

Hi everyone,

I’m in my mid 30s but I tend to relate well to older people, be it in terms of film tastes, hobbies or mature/ intellectual conversations. This has resulted in most of my good friends being in their 50s and 60s, a lot of whom I met from work (I’m a secondary school teacher). We gravitate towards each other!

Where this interest is not mutual though is in how I also attract a lot of older males who are interested in me romantically. I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner. I see them as friends and naturally don’t give any hint of any interest beyond that my end, no flirting or anything, but they seem to get a little encouraged by my friendly and smiley nature a little and start pursuing me a little too much.

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age. I’m not interested in him but tried to be gentle and polite when trying to convey this to him.

I try to get individuals like him to back off politely and with subtlety as to not cause offence since I value their friendship, but this doesn’t seem to work. This aforementioned individual doesn’t seem to quite get the hint and is still trying to get me to agree to spending 1:1 time with him, but I’m not interested and don’t want to encourage these unrequited feelings from him to keep growing by giving him my company. But that is where the difficulty lies because I do value him as a friend, albeit he’s a relatively new friend, and if it’s like anything like what I’ve experienced a few times before, it may be just a temporary association as he gives up hope that feelings will develop my end.

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me, but it’s still sad since I choose to get close to very few people. I am wondering how to deal with this issue? I am not really one to lie so I tend not to use the ‘I have a boyfriend’ white lie, but there surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

Thank you for your advice 🙏

Exactly that or something similar.

It's definitely not your mind their interested in.theyre not friends their interests lie further south than your mind.
Horrible fuckers.

I don’t just mean the “creepy older guy”

I think that is exactly what these men are.

The lawyer who isn’t physically or intellectually attracted to women his own age?? How fucking rude. And classic creepiness “oh women my age aren’t as interesting and fun as you are”.

Urgh. Yeah. I'm 41 and I would consider a man 20 years older than me 'old'

Agreed - on both counts.

I am suspicious of any older man who seeks out young women “for friendship”. If they are unable to find friends (male or female) of their own age, there has to be a reason.

surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

No there isn't.
As other posters have said, most men only pay attention to women they are sexually attracted to. If they don't find you attractive, they ignore you (unless in a work environment, when they will still ignore you as much as possible and only interact when the job requires).
Just concentrate on your friendships with older women, and ignore the men.

Thank you so much everyone for your posts 🙏 I do agree that yes those who leave your life when they don’t get romantic interest back from you were never in it for the right reasons. I guess just as they harbour hope that something romantic will develop, I also keep hoping that we can have a genuine friendship and that they’ll properly get the hint and lose the other motives. The reason I ‘let them in’ in the first place is that I do see good things in them, it’s just a shame that they don’t want it to remain platonic and then get annoyed when a few attempts to push things further all fail. Some of my best friends are middle-aged gay men with whom it is great to share authentic friendships!

‘he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective’

Well he sounds like quite the catch, doesn’t he? Only old people with penises have anything interesting or ‘intellectual’ to say for themselves, and although women his age are physically repulsive he’s still apparently in hot enough shape to feel he can pull a 30 year old 😂.

Don’t let these old fools blow smoke up your arse, OP. Despite all the blether about ‘intelligence’ and ‘interests in common’, if an attractive woman several decades younger deigned to fall into bed with them, they wouldn’t give a shiny shit if she was dumb as a brick.

Despite their alleged brain power, most men of this generation have little to no self-awareness or objective reasoning when it comes to their own attractiveness, and will doggedly pursue you unless you shut them down very bluntly. No need for pretence or politeness. ‘Bob, you’re not attractive to me, I don’t want to go out with you, you’re too old and I will never change my mind about that. If you keep pushing this angle, I’m afraid we can’t be friends.’ (not that they’re after genuine ‘friendship’ to start with - they’ve got blokes their own age if they want mates, surely you must realise that?!).

As the saying goes, ‘God grant me the self-confidence of a mediocre white man’.

Stop seeing older guys as friends. They're not looking for friendship from you and you know that. They're looking for younger women for sex. They're even telling you so. So tell them you're not going to be banging a dude twenty years older than you.

rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective

How on earth can you only be attracted to people 20 plus years younger than you from an intellectual perspective?

In the US sitcom ‘Two and a half men’ a young woman in a bar has a great rejoinder when Charlie Sheen’s character tries to pick her up “ I’m sorry sir, I don’t have Daddy issues’. 😁

I used to have a similar problem but I’m way more of a bitch now so I am polite the first time but then I’m very blunt and basically say I always have a husband who’s my age, physically fit, and is successful so what can you offer that I don’t already have? The answer is nothing. Just be rude, as long as it’s physically safe.

@Laura2121 This isn't a "you" problem, it's a universal one for women. The majority of older men are always looking for a younger model. It's a story as old as time. They don't give a shit about how mature you are, or how you enjoy films from the 1970's. They want to get in your knickers and have a bit of young flesh, as well as a massive ego boost. The trouble is, women are conditioned to be smiley and polite to men. To not hurt their feelings. And when it comes to sex, men have skin as thick as rhinos. They don't give a shit and they'll keep trying without shame or embarrassment. You need to tell them straight, even humiliate them. It's the only thing they'll understand.

Oh, to have the confidence of a mediocre old man. I am always amazed and amused that men like this have so much self-confidence. I just can’t imagine for one moment a man 20 odd years younger than me being interested in me romantically or sexually. The very idea is absurd! I think these men don’t see what everyone else is seeing when they look in the mirror. Deluded.

Sorry, no advice, just wanted to share in your frustration.

a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea.

Ugh 🤢 Why on earth do you want this man as a friend?

Think about the fact that you considered his feelings "being gentle and polite" while a man whose about my age now told you he wasn't attracted to women my age either physically or intellectuallly!

Why are you being gently polite to a man who's telling you he basically doesn't respect women? He's attracted to your body because you are young.

I used to get this (I am too old to appeal to those men now). I remember a 70 yr old lawyer neighbour turning up unannounced to ask to take me out to lunch (I worked from home) with a very hopeful expression on his face. Creepy. I hid.

Maybe op you find these people easier to talk to as they want more. They are a captive audience. They want to be amusing and attentive to you. In the same way that being nice to a customer may get a good sale. Ask yourself why they are being friendly with you

Yes, I highly doubt he actually imagines all women in their twenties and thirties will be discussing Nietzsche or peace in the Middle East while shimmying out of their knickers.

All men interpret friendship from a woman as a possible romantic / sexual connection. Because you're mixing in older circles it just happens that these men who you are trying to be friends with are older, but if you were trying to befriend men your own age the same thing would happen.

As this is happening to you so frequently, OP, you could get a T-shirt printed with the slogan

'Another day, another 50 year old intellectual male friend revealing his love and adoration for me.'

I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner.

Ah, you are clearly not like the other women and attract a much better class of “creepy older guy” 🙄

Wtf did I just read op.

Its very simple, stop making “friends“ with older men.

They aren’t your friends. They are people who fancy you and whom are waiting for an opportunity take advantage of you. I mean you’re not 17, you should know this by now.

These men are disingenuous. Duh.

Gay friends, fine. Group friendships that include men, sure. Occasionally, childhood friends you’ve know your whole life (although even they can suddenly turn out to be clingers on because they want in your pants) usually ok. But random old geezers you meet now…yeah 95 percent of them are not being friendly because they want a friendship. Stay away from them.

You sound a bit naive for your age OP. I'm your age (mid 30s), married to a man who is a decade and a half older than me. If he had told me that he didn't like women his own age I wouldn't have even spoken to him! Unfortunately, many men are only friends with women they have a sexual interest in. Your lovely, polite disposition is probably taken by them to mean you're interested, it's not your fault but you need to realise that these older men don't care about just being friends.

I suspect your view may change when you turn 60...