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Original poster

I seem to attract a lot of older men- how do I get them to back off?

189 replies

Laura2121 · 27/08/2026 11:58

Hi everyone,

I’m in my mid 30s but I tend to relate well to older people, be it in terms of film tastes, hobbies or mature/ intellectual conversations. This has resulted in most of my good friends being in their 50s and 60s, a lot of whom I met from work (I’m a secondary school teacher). We gravitate towards each other!

Where this interest is not mutual though is in how I also attract a lot of older males who are interested in me romantically. I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner. I see them as friends and naturally don’t give any hint of any interest beyond that my end, no flirting or anything, but they seem to get a little encouraged by my friendly and smiley nature a little and start pursuing me a little too much.

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age. I’m not interested in him but tried to be gentle and polite when trying to convey this to him.

I try to get individuals like him to back off politely and with subtlety as to not cause offence since I value their friendship, but this doesn’t seem to work. This aforementioned individual doesn’t seem to quite get the hint and is still trying to get me to agree to spending 1:1 time with him, but I’m not interested and don’t want to encourage these unrequited feelings from him to keep growing by giving him my company. But that is where the difficulty lies because I do value him as a friend, albeit he’s a relatively new friend, and if it’s like anything like what I’ve experienced a few times before, it may be just a temporary association as he gives up hope that feelings will develop my end.

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me, but it’s still sad since I choose to get close to very few people. I am wondering how to deal with this issue? I am not really one to lie so I tend not to use the ‘I have a boyfriend’ white lie, but there surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

Thank you for your advice 🙏

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 28/08/2026 19:17

Laura2121 · 27/08/2026 14:32

Thank you so much for your further posts, this is all very helpful, and making me feel less inclined to give these people as much of my friendship. Even despite knowing that I’m not interested, this particular individual who’s been by most recent experience of this issue still seems to be harbouring some hope.

Eg we happen to be going to the same friends gathering this weekend, and he asked me if we could walk together there beforehand (he lives near me), as well as spend time together afterwards!! To both of these suggestions I said no and gave ‘polite excuses’ like I’ll be doing some shopping beforehand and that I’ve got somewhere else to go afterwards so no. I think he is finally getting the hint; if not I’ll need to be more direct about this. I would have loved to have spent time with him since I love conversing with him about (platonic) things I can’t talk to many other people about, but from the comments he made last time about ‘wishing that I liked him in that way’ and also from the insights from you lovely people, now I feel very conscious of him harbouring ulterior motives so that’ll outweigh the enjoyment of the conversations that I would prefer to have a platonic backdrop.

Just to address one or two questions that came up in the comments directed towards me- why do I engage with older men? The same reason I make friends with older people as detailed in my first post. Do I also engage with and attract younger men my age? Yes, but I just often find them to lack the maturity that I find appealing when talking with someone, and it is for this reason that my platonic friends tend to be older too. I find older people more interesting to talk to so it’s just a big inconvenience when unrequited romantic feelings get in the way and those connections end up amounting to nothing. I definitely will put more time into meeting people my age; this issue getting increasingly annoying is encouraging me to do that!!

In that case if you are aware that older people (both men and women) are more interesting/intelligent conversationally- and that’s why you enjoy their company - then surely it follows that every time a 60 year old man says ‘he doesn’t find women his age intellectually interesting’ you know full well instantly that that’s a load of bullshit, and that he’s only interested in you for your youth?
I think your problem is that you’re not recognising quicker that ALL of the men who do this are ‘creepy older guys’

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 28/08/2026 19:17

I'd reply "I agree, I also prefer my partners younger than me" with a very sweet smile.

forthelasttim · 28/08/2026 19:18

TimeToStopLurking · 27/08/2026 12:28

The previous post about not being attracted to elderly men made me laugh.

It was eye opening for me at the time, but when I was in my early thirties I tried online dating and the oldest person to reply was a 66 year old. Most replies were at least a 25 year age gap. All pot bellied old men, describing themselves as 'young at heart'.

In real life It's the same. People I wouldn't expect make advances. Particularly old married men. I have zero interest and can't imagine why they assume they are a catch. Its grim.

I have no advice but find myself in similar situations.

If you remember the "lonely hearts" columns men no matter their age would be looking to meet a woman aged 18 upwards, often having a cut off of 35-40. The women would be more realistic having an age range five years either side of their own.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/08/2026 19:20

LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife · 27/08/2026 15:54

Oh Christ… I think I may know your lawyer friend. As a pp said give old lawyers a wide birth. Most of them are depraved. And more than a few judges too ( male and female).

As if there’s only one creepy 60 year old lawyer like this!

thetinsoldier · 28/08/2026 19:24

VenusThighTrap · 27/08/2026 12:10

“he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. “He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age.”

Christ what a misogynistic old creep. Imagine women your own age not being attractive enough for you but thinking you will appeal to a much younger woman. There is no need to let him down gently, tell him he reminds you of your granddad and you aren’t physically attracted to elderly men.

This!

the double-standards creep with an inflated idea of his own attractiveness. Urgh.

Nicewoman · 28/08/2026 19:32

Laura2121 · 27/08/2026 11:58

Hi everyone,

I’m in my mid 30s but I tend to relate well to older people, be it in terms of film tastes, hobbies or mature/ intellectual conversations. This has resulted in most of my good friends being in their 50s and 60s, a lot of whom I met from work (I’m a secondary school teacher). We gravitate towards each other!

Where this interest is not mutual though is in how I also attract a lot of older males who are interested in me romantically. I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner. I see them as friends and naturally don’t give any hint of any interest beyond that my end, no flirting or anything, but they seem to get a little encouraged by my friendly and smiley nature a little and start pursuing me a little too much.

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age. I’m not interested in him but tried to be gentle and polite when trying to convey this to him.

I try to get individuals like him to back off politely and with subtlety as to not cause offence since I value their friendship, but this doesn’t seem to work. This aforementioned individual doesn’t seem to quite get the hint and is still trying to get me to agree to spending 1:1 time with him, but I’m not interested and don’t want to encourage these unrequited feelings from him to keep growing by giving him my company. But that is where the difficulty lies because I do value him as a friend, albeit he’s a relatively new friend, and if it’s like anything like what I’ve experienced a few times before, it may be just a temporary association as he gives up hope that feelings will develop my end.

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me, but it’s still sad since I choose to get close to very few people. I am wondering how to deal with this issue? I am not really one to lie so I tend not to use the ‘I have a boyfriend’ white lie, but there surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

Thank you for your advice 🙏

I’ll make it easy for you: men only hang out with other women to get in their knickers. Full-stop.

The creepy pervy old men hate women their age as they want young flesh to show off to everyone else, massive ego boost. Women their own age don’t want to be friends with paedophiles. As these dirty old men get older, the women they chase get younger.

Forget any bollocks about intellectual conversations. All the time they don’t spend with you is spent snoring asleep, and chatting up Russian models on Only Fans, followed by ordering crate loads of blue pills for the sex workers they pay for when women like you turn them down. Bet they are really angry with themselves they have to pay for it.

Rest assured they aren’t interested in intellectual conversations. If a 20 year old chatted them up who had an IQ of a goldfish, they would be slobbering all over them like their life depended on it.

The other posts tell you what to reply to them: don’t date granddads, why don’t you date 80 year old women then? Don’t like saggy balls.

Nicewoman · 28/08/2026 19:43

thetinsoldier · 28/08/2026 19:24

This!

the double-standards creep with an inflated idea of his own attractiveness. Urgh.

Show quote history

This reminds me of my mate “Dave” who’s in his 50s, spends all his time down the gym and looking in the mirror admiring himself. Vegan diet, stays slim. Constantly chases women 25 years younger than him. If you were to ask him to date the same age, OMG, the horror on his face!!! he refers the same age, or a few years younger (in fact anyone over 30) screws his face up, they are nasty ugly old women who he finds deeply repellent and disgusting. And there’s no fucking way he would spend a second with them. He loves thinking in his mind he’s a giant catch, not some divorced washed up misongenist who never sees his kids and spends all his time chasing 20-somethings. There are literally millions of old men like this. Millions. The other pathetic and desperate thing my mate does is lie about his age and pretend to know the 20-something mindset: ooh look, have you streamed the latest song from blah blah! Let me get you some bubble tea! Ohhh I agree with everything Gen Z says. Oh yes, very thought provoking.

SonnyHoney · 28/08/2026 19:44

I am the same age as you, I'm an old soul and many older men always flirt with me. I work in a sector where I regularly have exchanges with men 50+ beyond.

If your personality and warmth belonged to a woman their own age, they wouldn't find you attractive. They may be very friendly, Interesting and financially stable . They are not attracted to your Interests, thats a bonus. They are attracted to your youth

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 28/08/2026 19:45

He sounds like a fucking creep to be honest. Not interested in women his own age in 'a physical as well as intellectual perspective'? Firstly, he'd better look amazing for a man in his 50s, and secondly, does he genuinely think all women over a certain age are stupid? That you even want someone like this as a friend reflects badly on you. I'm assuming that although you are not interested in these men romantically, you do enjoy the attention.

It's very simple. You say, 'I'm sorry, I only date men my own age'. Doesn't take a massive intellect to work that one out.

OnlyHasEyesForLoki · 28/08/2026 19:52

It’s a constant problem for women unfortunately. Men seem to have this fantasy that women 20 years younger than them are interested in them and view basic friendliness as a come on.

25 years ago when I was in my early 30s a man in his 60s lied on his dating profile and said he was 40 and used an old photo. When I turned up for the date and said there was too much of an age gap for me to be interested (30 years at least!) he was most affronted saying most of his friends were in their 30s and they all said he was young for his age so I was being very unfair.

I’m now 58 and I kid you not, men 20 years older than me who are at the upper limit of the average life expectancy for men still think they’re in with a chance.

As other replies have said - call them out

“You are old enough to be my father”
”How would you feel if men your age hit on your daughter?”
”Do you have a son my age I might be interested in?”

SurelyNotShirley · 28/08/2026 20:00

Laura2121 · 27/08/2026 11:58

Hi everyone,

I’m in my mid 30s but I tend to relate well to older people, be it in terms of film tastes, hobbies or mature/ intellectual conversations. This has resulted in most of my good friends being in their 50s and 60s, a lot of whom I met from work (I’m a secondary school teacher). We gravitate towards each other!

Where this interest is not mutual though is in how I also attract a lot of older males who are interested in me romantically. I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner. I see them as friends and naturally don’t give any hint of any interest beyond that my end, no flirting or anything, but they seem to get a little encouraged by my friendly and smiley nature a little and start pursuing me a little too much.

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age. I’m not interested in him but tried to be gentle and polite when trying to convey this to him.

I try to get individuals like him to back off politely and with subtlety as to not cause offence since I value their friendship, but this doesn’t seem to work. This aforementioned individual doesn’t seem to quite get the hint and is still trying to get me to agree to spending 1:1 time with him, but I’m not interested and don’t want to encourage these unrequited feelings from him to keep growing by giving him my company. But that is where the difficulty lies because I do value him as a friend, albeit he’s a relatively new friend, and if it’s like anything like what I’ve experienced a few times before, it may be just a temporary association as he gives up hope that feelings will develop my end.

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me, but it’s still sad since I choose to get close to very few people. I am wondering how to deal with this issue? I am not really one to lie so I tend not to use the ‘I have a boyfriend’ white lie, but there surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

Thank you for your advice 🙏

"Gosh! You're the same age as my dad/older than my dad/or mum, or Grandfather/Grandmother. You remind me of my <parent>, they are into those films, too. My Grandad goes to this group...maybe you could join? Awww! It's like having a work dad/grandad. Awww you remind me of my grandad when I was little." Make it clear you see them as parental figures. Tell them you're going clubbing with friends from school/uni in the same age bracket.

Beepen · 28/08/2026 20:03

Stop seeing them as your friends and find some new friends?

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 28/08/2026 20:07

'one or two people are suggesting that I’m enjoying the attention- please acknowledge the motive of this thread being created. I am not feeling flattered, I am feeling creeped out.'

You say this yet want to have a friendship with a creep who makes mysogynistic comments about women older than you. Do you even call him out on it? Because debate is usually part of intellectual conversation.

Kopfkino · 28/08/2026 20:09

I’d love to meet some of these men so I could put them in their place.

You don’t want to date me because I’m on my 50’s? I’ll throw my head back and laugh my arse off.
My DH is 3 years younger than me and is a very successful man from southern Europe. He’s drop dead gorgeous.

I wouldn’t be seen dead with a saggy balled, pot bellied, fashion deprived dull grey British man.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 28/08/2026 20:25

TBH, my experience is most men do not even give a woman the time of day unless they fancy her. Really. It's depressing, but that's it. It's why genuine friendship between men and women is so rare and why very attractive women often have a lot of male friends.

Many men try it on all the time to see how you'll respond. The guy who most recently tried this with me with me is married but separated, has a girlfriend on the side and STILL tried to turn every single conversation to flirty personal stuff.

ShiftingSand · 28/08/2026 20:33

OriginalSkang · 27/08/2026 12:30

I think that men of all ages don't understand that women are just being friendly

Correct. Smile at a man and he thinks “he’s in” no matter what he looks like himself

Chilly80 · 28/08/2026 20:35

None of them are your friend

TheSunBeatsDown · 28/08/2026 20:38

I don't make friends with these types of men. I make friends with women who I get on well with, men who aren't sleezy or coming on to me, and pretty much no-one who is going to discuss whether I'm a romantic prospect. I can see if you keep making new friends with older males and doing things like going for lunch, dinner, then some of the time, they are going to misunderstand the nature of the friendship and wonder if you are interested in them romantically. Just don't go! Chat to them in the staff room, in groups if you share a hobby, and find friends who are interesting and interested in you as a person.

In a perfect world, anyone could be friends with anyone, but the reality of the situation is when two single people meet and start hanging out together, neither knows the intention of the other and so there's room for one to want more than the other and the only way to avert this is to stop making friends with older men who like you. I also attract this type, by the way, OP and so when they suggest coffee, lunch or chatting over a good book, I just say I'm off to (made-up place), see you at the next talk and run away. Needs must.

flowersplease · 28/08/2026 20:40

Kittysbigpinkbow · 27/08/2026 12:02

Keep belitting them.

'Do you have any daughters my age? I am looking to make new friends'

'Its so nice talking to you, I don't really get to see my Grandad much these days'

Make it clear that you see them as old men.

Edited

My best friend is (less than) a decade older than me but this is still how I talk to him, safe to say no feelings have ever developed.

I have friends much older than me (also in teaching!) and I wouldn’t continue them if there was a weird undertone like this. The lawyer in particular is a creep and disgusts me, that is not a friend you need OP.

TheSunBeatsDown · 28/08/2026 20:44

arethereanyleftatall · 28/08/2026 19:17

In that case if you are aware that older people (both men and women) are more interesting/intelligent conversationally- and that’s why you enjoy their company - then surely it follows that every time a 60 year old man says ‘he doesn’t find women his age intellectually interesting’ you know full well instantly that that’s a load of bullshit, and that he’s only interested in you for your youth?
I think your problem is that you’re not recognising quicker that ALL of the men who do this are ‘creepy older guys’

Show quote history

I also agree with this point. Why would a man not find a woman of his own age intellectually interesting? That doesn't even make sense.

I don'tt ever date men who don't date their own age group, and I wouldn't be interested in men as friends who have some weird ideas about women their own age which are clearly driven by their trousers (or whats in them).

I have met men like this a lot and I meet them through my work all the time and the key is to not apologise, pay no attention to their 'wouldn't it be lovely if we could go for a walk/coffee/discuss Foucault' and just be friendly but dismissive.

You are too nice OP but also need to start meeting some hot guys you do want to get romantic with, whatever the age! Or meet friends who aren't just interested in your 'intellect' as it's housed in a 35-year-old's body. Stop smiling at them, stop laughing at their jokes or avoid hanging out with them one-to-one. You will free up so much time and feel much better avoiding their unrequited nonsense.

Ladygodalmighty · 28/08/2026 20:51

ohnowhat · 27/08/2026 12:28

She says 50s and 60s in the OP.
I'd class 60s as old (but not 50s as I'm in my 50s :) ).

Show quote history

Age is relative. If you are 30 then 50-60 is your parent's generation, and therefore old to you. Just the same if you are 18, anyone over 36 is twice your age and therefore old to you.

anon666 · 28/08/2026 21:11

These men are not your friends.

They fancy you and are flattered that you're interested in them. They are misreading the signals and hoping its going somewhere. If you were exactly the same person, but 20 years older or uglier, they wouldn't give you 5 minutes of their time.

This is what men do. Sorry to pop the bubble. 😬

FirstOfTheGang · 28/08/2026 21:35

Kopfkino · 28/08/2026 20:09

I’d love to meet some of these men so I could put them in their place.

You don’t want to date me because I’m on my 50’s? I’ll throw my head back and laugh my arse off.
My DH is 3 years younger than me and is a very successful man from southern Europe. He’s drop dead gorgeous.

I wouldn’t be seen dead with a saggy balled, pot bellied, fashion deprived dull grey British man.

Gosh you must be stunningly gorgeous yourself to have nabbed such an attractive and successful man. The rest of us lesser mortals just have to make do with the dregs.

Incidentally OP has given no details of the physical appearance or fashion sense of her suitors. If you think all older British men are
”saggy balled, pot bellied, fashion deprived dull grey men” you probably need to extend your social circle a bit.

FirstOfTheGang · 28/08/2026 21:51

I don’t know if you’re still reading OP but I really think your problem with these older men is a symptom of a larger issue.

For some reason you are uncomfortable with and/or dismissive of and/or avoidant of forming friendships with people your own age. To me this seems like the key and much more important issue. I’m not saying that these sort of mismatch of expectations situations don’t arise between men & women of similar ages, but I think you are experiencing them so often and finding them so difficult to deal with because of the age disparity.

I think you should explore why you have the feelings you do towards people of your own age. It is not healthy to feel that you have nothing in common with people of your own age. It is of course nonsense to believe that younger people are less interesting or intellectually stimulating. You’d have to be living in a cave to not be aware of younger people writing books, doing interesting jobs, forming political movements, creating music. Yet for some reason you have decided to just write your own generation off as not of interest to you. I would put your energy into exploring and addressing this as your current situation does not seem to be serving you well.

EarthSight · 28/08/2026 22:44

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me

For mid 30s, you sound quite naive.

A lot of men don't make friends with women in the way that women make friends with men. Maybe in a very small amount of cases they do, but they usually don't.

If you look nice, are pleasant company to be around, in their minds, why wouldn't they want to date you? And in this case, even better as you are much younger!!

If they see you're not interested, they either don't stick around because they feel humiliated or defeated, or, they just don't see the point. If they want good company, they would rather spend time with other men without the added complexities that cross-sex can bring.

I also think that you're making the mistake of thinking that just because a man has things in common with you, that this means he values those things in you the same way you do in them, and that it takes priority.

Women often learn the hard way that this is not the case. Sure, your conversation, your shared hobbies are nice and interesting to them, but this is more like a pleasant novelty. Their main motivator in communicating with you is still basking in the attention of a woman, their attraction to you, and hoping it will turn into something more.