I seem to attract a lot of older men- how do I get them to back off?

[Laura2121]

Hi everyone,

I’m in my mid 30s but I tend to relate well to older people, be it in terms of film tastes, hobbies or mature/ intellectual conversations. This has resulted in most of my good friends being in their 50s and 60s, a lot of whom I met from work (I’m a secondary school teacher). We gravitate towards each other!

Where this interest is not mutual though is in how I also attract a lot of older males who are interested in me romantically. I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner. I see them as friends and naturally don’t give any hint of any interest beyond that my end, no flirting or anything, but they seem to get a little encouraged by my friendly and smiley nature a little and start pursuing me a little too much.

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age. I’m not interested in him but tried to be gentle and polite when trying to convey this to him.

I try to get individuals like him to back off politely and with subtlety as to not cause offence since I value their friendship, but this doesn’t seem to work. This aforementioned individual doesn’t seem to quite get the hint and is still trying to get me to agree to spending 1:1 time with him, but I’m not interested and don’t want to encourage these unrequited feelings from him to keep growing by giving him my company. But that is where the difficulty lies because I do value him as a friend, albeit he’s a relatively new friend, and if it’s like anything like what I’ve experienced a few times before, it may be just a temporary association as he gives up hope that feelings will develop my end.

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me, but it’s still sad since I choose to get close to very few people. I am wondering how to deal with this issue? I am not really one to lie so I tend not to use the ‘I have a boyfriend’ white lie, but there surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

Thank you for your advice 🙏

'Film tastes, intellectual conversation'

Right up there op 😅

Oh to have the confidence of a middle aged man.

brilliant. I’ve often done the same, said someone is too old for me and they get offended! Like I’m expected to find them attractive.

I think you perhaps think this is unusual but really most men would sleep with someone who has similar interests to them.
I think you need to realise men chat everyone up and want relationships with all sorts of people and focus on protecting your own boundaries and space over what you are doing to "attract" them.

Firm "No" useful, "I think of you like my father" might also take some wind out of inflated sails. A lot of men don't realise how disgusting it is to be openly fawned on by men that remind you of your grandpa.

Just stop being friends with these guys. They clearly don’t get it.

Yes, I was emotionally immature in my 30s (Neuro diversity and related trauma) and I tended to "prefer the company of older people" as I found them easier.

(Understand now this is fairly common with ND younger people).

I also felt more comfortable in intense 1-1 interactions as I felt it too overwhelming to negotiate group environments.

I also had bad judgement and didn't feel comfortable with hanging out with my peers.

I'd think if someone had impressive job status or came across as intelligent they were "desirable" socially.

This - of course - meant I acquired a lot of creepy predatory old man pals who spotted my vulnerability a mile off 🤣🙃

I think it is hard to find peers your own age, if you haven't got those pre-existing groups from school or uni.

A compromise might be finding mixed diverse groups, and learning to enjoy lighter social friendships which aren't too intense. One friend won't meet all your intellectual needs.

Rather than putting people into friend/non-friend categories just see how they are over time.

As pps say if someone is intensely pursuing you for a 1-1 friendship, if they're male there's a very high chance it's as they are attracted to you.

I’d avoid making new friends with older men. Call me a cynic but most single men who make new “friends” with a woman much younger won’t just have platonic intentions. Stick to female friends.

Thanks everyone for your further insights, again all very helpful. I do have to address a couple of inaccurate assumptions that I’ve come across in them:

• one or two people are suggesting that I’m enjoying the attention- please acknowledge the motive of this thread being created. I am not feeling flattered, I am feeling creeped out. I have tried to get these people to back off but it doesn’t seem to be working so I sought advice on here, as I would hope would be clear in the OP and title. Comments like “aren’t you a little old for the ‘you’re different to other girls’ line?” are missing the point entirely. Look at the context in which I mentioned that. It seems as though the people who are genuinely understanding my position in the comments are those who have been through this themselves.

• Yes I don’t have a big group of friends because I am new in town. I have joined a social group here that has members of a wide variety of ages and that’s how I met him. I am also someone who tends to like depth over breadth when it comes to friends. Something that I think we can all relate to is that the kind of conversation I like to have attracts like-minded people, which for me just happens to be older straight women, older gay men, or older straight men, all who are appealed to making connections with me. I find things to be a little shallower when it comes to people my age and I’m less interested. My issue is that the older straight men are creeping me out since they are not respecting a boundary that I’ve gently been trying to enforce.

Hope that’s clear. I have posted on here to ask for help with an uncomfortable situation where I’ve been feeling stuck, so comments such as “You sound really odd” are not too helpful. I’d like to think that a message board like this is designed for people to support each other rather than insult and belittle.

Comments like “aren’t you a little old for the ‘you’re different to other girls’ line?” are missing the point entirely. Look at the context in which I mentioned that.

I made that comment. I’m not sure what context you mean. He said it in explaining why he is attracted to you. You are not attracted to him, but you didn’t mention in your OP in a “oh what a creep, why would I want to go out with or even be friends with someone who denigrates women of his own age” kind of way. You seem to think he’s a decent guy despite what he said. You don’t seem to believe his comments reveal an unpleasant, manipulative and misogynistic nature, which they do.

It’s a bit much that you are telling us off for “insulting and belittling” when you are also telling us that people your age are “a little shallower” and you are less interested in them, and you still want to be friends with an older man after he tells you he finds women his age intellectually uninteresting and unattractive. I’m his age, if I heard someone say they found women of my age intellectually uninteresting I’d never want to have a conversation with them again, nevermind want to be their friend or be worried about alienating them. Why can’t you see how offensive this sort of gross generalisation is?

Also, you seem to simultaneously be telling us that you think older people are more intellectually interesting and at the same time that your friend who thinks older women are not intellectually interesting is someone you want to be friends with. How does that work?

How would that friendship work as you age yourself? Will you be friends until you reach the age he is now and then you will become boring to him too? (It’s almost like this endless categorising of people into subgroups doesn’t really work).

If you are going to post these sort of generalisations (about people of various ages) you should expect to be challenged. MN can be very supportive, but people will tell you how they see it even when it’s not what you want to hear. Sometimes people need to look at things in a different way to resolve their problems.

Perhaps if you tried to approach people as individuals rather than being so hung up on external status, age, sexuality and employment history you would be more successful in developing healthy, equal friendships.

You see them as friends, they see you as a prey. Want them as friends only, keep firm boundaries. Smiling too much is a signal that your boundaries can be pushed.

I agree. I was told this by male friends in my twenties - Men are not interested in friendship with women in the same way women are interested in friendship with men. If a man is friendly with you, he is attracted to you, and ultimately wants a shag or a relationship.

There are some exceptions (especially those that eg went to school together), but this rule is generally true. So OP's idea of becoming friends with men is not realistic. Imo.

Maybe stop seeing older men as friends as this is rarely what they are looking for from women. If you want friends, cultivate women friends.

I don't agree with this at all.
My experience and the experience of friends is totally different.

No judgement, but in a way you are being as unfair to them as they are to you.

You view them as equals intellectually but not otherwise.

I think this is just naivety on your part. You might want ask yourself why you are avoiding friendships with people close to your own age. If it’s just circumstantial, it’s worth making an effort.

You’re making no sense! People your age are shallow and yet every old man you befriend is actually just trying to shag you? But they aren’t shallow?
These men aren’t actually intellectually mature nor are they like minded with you, which you keep claiming.

What’s in it for the woman who is 20 years younger than him? What’s the trade off?

He wants a young vibe and chat to distract him from his wrinkly balls, a woman who doesn’t answer back (pre peri/ menopausal) and a hot body to sleep with.

Unless he looks like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, and/ or has a couple of million in the bank, that’s an unfair trade.

Having a partner is transactional when you drill down. You give me this, and I’ll give you that.

If you are an older man, and you want a younger woman, you are really taking the piss if you think you shouldn’t be stumping up something of value back. Plus, you’re deluded if you think a much younger woman wants you for your looks and charm.

I know three women in their 30s who have got with 50yo men, so it happens.
One of them has had a baby with one (he's a teacher and already has adult kids).
I just cannot comrehend why you'd want to do it, but clearly some do!

The men (and women, as well) from that age group...and really, even a lot from our age group tend to have 'friends' mainly, and oftentimes only, from their sex group. I found myself in such situations and am happily married.

Where it was older men, they seemed to think it was only a romantic relationship they could have!!!??? But I have 2 good male friends - both married; one whose wife has become a good friend, so now they are family friends. The other, whose wife and kids I get to see (and vice versa) often. Both around my age. I had to be clear (no hints) that I liked them as friends.

Generally men want to be friends with women they find attractive… I had this problem for years (not older men just men) and found sadly keeping them at arms length even in terms of friendship is best unless your interested. They always seem to translate friendliness into a green light to try it on!!

Tell them you’re a lesbian.

I think when it comes to new mixed sex friendships, a lot of the time ( not all. sure), the man is interested in the woman. You being friends with older males means you end being pursued by older men.

I’d say you have to keep letting them
know you’re not interested. Not sure how you’re meant to remain friends once you let people know you’re not interested. Does the friendship not become awkward?

x-post

It’s a reality of life. You have that formula of attractiveness + personality + intelligence that older men find alluring. In fact, a lot of men do regardless of age.

If they can’t handle the rejection, that’s on them but you should continue to be yourself.

@EvelynBeatrice yes, I've been binging a lot of Curb Your Enthusiasm lately and Larry David and his friends (60s/70s) are invariably with a series of women in the 35-45 age bracket, which I find ludicrous! It's obviously some sort of joke/ old male fantasy! (I'm late 50s so hopefully not being ageist here!)

“Princessfluffy · Today 13:28
Maybe stop seeing older men as friends as this is rarely what they are looking for from women. If you want friends, cultivate women friends.”

This with bells on. Older men are not a natural friendship pool for younger women. You need to look elsewhere for friendship.