I seem to attract a lot of older men- how do I get them to back off?

[Laura2121]

Hi everyone,

I’m in my mid 30s but I tend to relate well to older people, be it in terms of film tastes, hobbies or mature/ intellectual conversations. This has resulted in most of my good friends being in their 50s and 60s, a lot of whom I met from work (I’m a secondary school teacher). We gravitate towards each other!

Where this interest is not mutual though is in how I also attract a lot of older males who are interested in me romantically. I don’t just mean the ‘creepy older guy’, a problem that many women can relate to; I mean intellectual and well-established older males who like my company a little too much and wish to ultimately have me as a romantic partner. I see them as friends and naturally don’t give any hint of any interest beyond that my end, no flirting or anything, but they seem to get a little encouraged by my friendly and smiley nature a little and start pursuing me a little too much.

One of these said men whom I had a conversation with about this recently, a retired lawyer 20 years older than me who said he’s rarely attracted to women his own age from both a physical as well as intellectual perspective, said that my warm and friendly nature can give men the wrong idea. He said he “wishes that I did like him in that way” but he seemed to accept that I tend to go for men my own age. I’m not interested in him but tried to be gentle and polite when trying to convey this to him.

I try to get individuals like him to back off politely and with subtlety as to not cause offence since I value their friendship, but this doesn’t seem to work. This aforementioned individual doesn’t seem to quite get the hint and is still trying to get me to agree to spending 1:1 time with him, but I’m not interested and don’t want to encourage these unrequited feelings from him to keep growing by giving him my company. But that is where the difficulty lies because I do value him as a friend, albeit he’s a relatively new friend, and if it’s like anything like what I’ve experienced a few times before, it may be just a temporary association as he gives up hope that feelings will develop my end.

I have sadly lost friendships with individuals like this when they gave up hope of any romantic interest kindling my end, which does make one question how much of a ‘friendship’ it was from them anyway if this was their ultimate motive with me, but it’s still sad since I choose to get close to very few people. I am wondering how to deal with this issue? I am not really one to lie so I tend not to use the ‘I have a boyfriend’ white lie, but there surely must be another way to get them to back off while still keeping a good friendship?

Thank you for your advice 🙏

It's obviously not true of ALL men. Alot/most of men. But not ALL. If you felt they were genuine friendships they probably were!

Tbh I don't think "clever comebacks" really work on creepy guys. They enjoy the attention and the drama and feed off it.

"Where attention flows, energy goes"

Creepy old guys enjoy getting attractive younger women to use their headspace managing them, rather than paying attention to other things or men their age. They don't like being invisible.

Probably better off just socially positioning so you don't have to deal with them.

Dont discard the whole group but detach a bit, don't give your 1-1 contacts to the creepy guys. If they message take 2 days to reply with a thumbs up.

Bring new people and new social groups and hobbies into your life.

There's lots of younger people who are established and clever and intelligent to talk to.

Creepy older blokes trying it on with younger women.
Who’d have thought it?
It’s been happening since time immemorial, OP. Just keep knocking them back, they’re used to it and they generally have hides like elephants.

I think men and women can be friends, but you have to sort out the thorny issue of attraction if you proceed with that, and if you are single and they are single and you form a new friendship where you seem delighted to spend time with you, they will think there's a chance of romance. Indeed, you may too, it's not a one way street, and it's not weird to think a romance might happen.

I agree that's not the creepy bit, it's the bit where this older man thinks women of his own age are beneath him, and only likes younger intellectual types that makes me think he's creepy.

You also believe men of your own age aren't your intellectual equal though so you have that in common (and I agree with the poster who said you need to challenge this thinking, of course men in their thirties can be intellectual!)

Yes, exactly -- OP, you need to start finding and hanging out with clever people of your own age. I'm in my 50s now, but I was a clever thirtysomething married to another clever thirtysomething, with friends who were all clever and high-achieving in their various fields.

Obviously there's no reason not to have older friends, too, but your problem is that you're not fussy enough about who you befriend.

No self-respecting woman with boundaries would sit there nodding along with this nonsense from a sixtysomething about women his own age not attracting him physically or intellectually. Clever thirtysomethings of both sexes turn into clever sixtysomethings. Their brains don't atrophy at some point in their forties or fifties. Make people earn your friendship by not being a creep, for crying out loud!

I just dealt with something very similar, same age gap. But I stopped being polite a long time ago.

Sadly, most men have no desire to be friends with women. They almost always want more. So if you're in your mid thirties still thinking you can be friends with these men, that's naive and you need to stop pursuing friendships with them.

Regards this man: just tell him what he told you. That you'd never be attracted to men old enough to be your dad... and who look close to being buried in their graves.

You might need my personality to get away with that last one. But that wasn't too far off what I had to say to my pest to get him to realise what a creep he was being.

Set him straight and then let him choose: "if you don't want to build a solid friendship, without any hint of anything else, then tell me now so neither of us needs to waste more time".

I don’t mean to be cheeky but every woman especially if attractive attracts older men

Thank you everyone for your further replies. I have become much better now at being a little more distant with these individuals. It is tricky to make the transition since it’s natural for me to be warm and friendly towards everyone, but now I’ve fully come to the realisation that something has to change as to ward off this undesired attention from older men, and some of your posts have helped a lot.

The main thing that I’ve been doing differently of late is how I respond to text messages sent by these individuals. I now leave more of a delay before replying and make my responses briefer, while maintaining a polite and friendly tone, but one that gently hints that I don’t really wish to continue the conversation.

This seems to be having the desired effect, as I saw when I bumped into my lawyer friend at a party last weekend. When I politely said ‘hello’ as to acknowledge him when I was passing him, he was cold and frosty in response. It was then that I saw what his sole motives had been, very clearly. And it was a little upsetting to be treated like this by someone I considered a friend.

Whilst I didn’t feel the same way about him romantically, I have never been anything but nice to him, and I never led him on, so this coldness towards me was undeserved and unwarranted. Needless to say that I deleted his number shortly after this; it seems as though his friendship towards me was purely given with the hope of something romantic happening. Like seriously, what did he expect from a woman 20 years younger? I guess it’s the better alternative to being made uncomfortable with his pursuits; it’s just a shame that there could be no middle ground.

I do feel much better now about everything though, and the improvement in my ‘tougher exterior’ when trying to ward off older males is seeming to have a desired effect on a couple of others too who have been trying to get a little too close for comfort these past few weeks.
Thank you so much everyone again for your replies and the help you’ve given me 💐

Such a shame it has to be this way but human nature is what it is and it looks like there is no alternative

It's not really human nature, it's socialisation. In patriarchy, men are raised to see women as objects to get and show off to other men as a sign of their "success". So they're constantly on the hunt for this, even as old blokes. It's so deeply engrained that it feels like human nature.

But I've lived on 4 continents and that taught me that in some cultures, you don't have to live with your horns lowered, ready to beat men off - it is in fact entirely possible to be friends with men. For example, I have lovely male German and French friends who would find it absolutely uncouth and a betrayal of the friendship (which they clearly value) to mess it up with sex. But in other countries, particularly Anglo cultures (IME), I've found I'm more likely to make real friendships with those men who already have female friends.

There was a PP above, @CallmePaul , who said it very well-

"I've never really understood the men & women can't be friends thing, I'm male & have had good female mates alongside my male mates for ever. Heck I stayed at a female friends last wk a couple of days, she's married, I get on ok with her husband but we aren't pals & he doesn't think I'm trying to shag his his missus, because I'd have tried in the 30 yrs we've been pals before they'd met & we've both been single during those times.
I've slept in twin bed rooms with female mates, shared cabins on boats, been in many hostel dorms when travelling when younger with them. Even when hammered at parties been in the same bed, but for sleep only.
I'm a regular straight bloke, not gay or uninterested in women but there's a line with your friends. I don't expect my gay male mates to try it on either.
I like female friendships, it's a different type of friendship to blokes."

Men like this absolutely exist, but they're less common in some countries than others IME.

Horrible thought but then Woody Allen et al. 😳

Sounds like you're on the right track @Laura2121 glad things are looking up.

It takes time to calibrate a decent social network so I'd just be patient.

Remember lots of younger people are in good life positions (and helpful and generous), they just don't have the initial presentation and schmoozing skills or the posh profile on Linkedin.

Even people in their 20s can be part of a good and appropriate social group if you're in your 30s.

Give people a chance over time. Get to know them organically without putting them into a bracket.

Often established older men have very good soft skills - especially if they've had certain work positions.

They know all the little power games to come across well, and make you feel special. They'll be super-reliable and make you feel top of their priorities (but it's all conditional)

Predatory men will IMMEDIATELY scan a group looking for any younger women who are new to town and a bit lonely. Open social groups are often infested with this type.

Most rich established people practice social gatekeeping and aren't that receptive to strangers... so why is an older man regularly hanging out with younger poorer people unless he's a perv paedo type?

They're often very perceptive and socially astute and good at finding vulnerabilities. They know how to casually name-drop, so you know if they have an OBE or high status connections.

However they turn cold quickly if they don't get their own way.

These posh old guys often pretend they offer networking or social opportunities but they don't actually offer anything positive and won't move your life forward.

They like the ego boost of having a younger woman associated with them on their terms only.

Often they're very envious of younger men, and have controlling tendencies.

Excellent post, all of it makes sense and is so true from what I’ve seen, thank you for this 👍

I do find that older people can be more decent and considerate of a woman’s needs sometimes, like ensuring she gets home ok at night or offering her a lift in their car to save her from having to catch a bus - something that younger guys don’t often care about in my experience (and I’m usually the one giving them lifts, without them even saying thank you!).

I have come to finally see though, after being casually cut off by several older men who were good to me but unfortunately hoping for something that I was never able to provide, that it truly is all conditional. It is a shame because I do value human connection a lot and find that I naturally connect better with older people- straight females, gay men and unfortunately straight males too- but then I lose the latter category when they see it’ll only ever be friendship that they have from me. Such a shame! But indeed it is life. Oh well!

As discussed previously (and in many other threads) it isn’t just an OLDER male thing. I was sad to lose male friendships whenever I became involved with someone and I actually lost an entire group of male friends when I publicly showed via social media that I was with my current partner. I thought we all got on really well, we’d become friends through a mutual friend a few months prior and regularly hung out etc and then I was unceremoniously dropped. These seemed like like-minded, intelligent blokes and I can only assume one or two believed they were going to get somewhere with me so couldn’t see the point in sharing my company anymore once I’d become attached to somebody else. Obviously a bunch of shallow idiots.