New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

Ok so I know the majority have supported me and rightly called out what happened between my DH and me.

But to the minority that said I was rude to the woman I am very curious to know what you think I should have done? Sincerely I would love to hear.

From my pov - I fully believe that after ignoring a direct instruction to not call over if I had taken a softly softly approach she would have continued to ignore any of my requests. I think it's crossing a line massively to refuse to leave or refuse to stay away.

Sooner or later I would have reached my threshold with her and we would have found ourselves in the same situation. The only difference is that I would also be saying "I can't believe I put up with six months of this" (or whatever amount of time).

So what is the solution? Because surely if you tolerate and accept unacceptable behaviour then you are complicit?

@Aworldofwonder Remember, there are unfortunately genuinely people who have an agenda who post on Mumsnet, and that agenda is to be hostile and make it a difficult place to post.

It doesn't matter what you do or say, they will contradict you. Not everyone is rational or reasonable.

@Aworldofwonder i’m guessing people thought you may have been rude, because in your op, you described that you were ‘quite blunt’ and also that your dh was surprised by how you handled her. However, it does seem that the softly, softly approach hadn’t worked previously, and she never picked up on all the usual cues.

But to the minority that said I was rude to the woman I am very curious to know what you think I should have done? Sincerely I would love to hear.

You won't get an honest answer because they are probably the CF types who don't respect boundaries.

There's a poster here under several different usernames. A few of her usernames were banned yesterday. She's on here now as Justawalk.
Keep reporting her.

I know that, but what do those people think I should have done instead?

She wasn't invited. She was told not to come. I had been direct. I was busy. It was getting close to bedtime. I had already had hours wasted entertaining her on other days.

Do these posters think I should have sat down and chatted abandoning my own plans for the evening?

I've already had criticism for not telling my DH enough about daily life but this would be the only time of day we get to chat and yet I was supposed to give it up.

Do they think I should have gently explained to her I didn't have time? If so, why would that be effective when it hadn't been before?

I don't expect to get a reply here but I'm baffled as to what the people who think I was wrong think i should have done instead.

@Aworldofwonder

Sometimes the old phrase "never explain, never apologise" fits. I dont hold with it on the whole, but just occasionally it's absolutely the ticket !

It is odd behaviour. Be very careful given this person seems to handle no badly. I think you handled it well under circumstance.

It can be unwise to call out bad behaviour. Definitely avoid answering the door to this person and see what that does. Men often can be pretty niave. Those photos? Could have been from years ago. Things do not add up. Did this person see a lot of inside your home? You are right to be concerned.