New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

If this woman had considered you a friend, she'd have invited you to her birthday party. You showed plenty of patience OP, but with people like her you need to be very clear, exactly as you were.

I think you have a DH problem Op. Does he take pleasure in tormenting you and causing you stress? What’s your relationship like generally? From what you have described he does not have your back.

I think you have a reading problem @CossyBunt

How is OP being "tormented" by a DH who has apologised now that he is in possession of all the facts?

Because he scolds her for being a people pleaser, then scolds her for being supposedly mean to the neighbour. She can’t win can she? She is criticised for just being. This will grind a person down over the years.

I can read thank you, but some of us can also analyse and evaluate.

She ate dinner and dessert too. with your DD? Or with the whole family? No one invited her? She just plonked herself down?

I was responding to @tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz ’s lecture about reading the full thread before had it withdrawn

Of course not. As I stated already I thought the first visit would be under an hour - enough time to catch up, have a cuddle with the baby and give her the gift. I didn't think it would extend into the entire evening. I had tea and healthy snacks laid out that could be eaten with one hand as that's what I would have appreciated with my baby.

She was showing no signs of leaving so I said I had to serve up dinner for me and DC. I was at this point still believing she'd take social cues to say goodbye. She nodded but stayed sitting there so of course I offered her some food as we had plenty.

So really I was right. She plonked herself, you thought she would leave, when she didn’t you invited her to stay for food

She has got thick skin that’s for sure!

Is 'swimming' a euphemism in your circles?

Dear me, OP, why didn't you invite her to live in your spare room and plan to have another baby you could name after her?

Why stop there? How about entering into a throuple or quad with her

Suddenly, joining a swimming club sounds a lot more fun.

... at least it's not a jacuzzi ....

(Sorry to freak you out, @Aworldofwonder !)

I think your response was justified, well done for standing your ground. I would also like to say that I think you have absolutely handled many posts on this thread very well!

They have no other joy in their lives. Report them.

Oh dear. One's already awake and posting! Beware, OP!

Seriously?

Not had your morning meds yet today, luv?

She is using you and taking advantage OP

Agreed! Especially given the provocation from some posters.

How do they know when you're working from home? Just don't answer the door! If you invite them in with a smile they probably think it's ok. Just tap on the window if they don't go and say sorry I'm working, can't chat today.