New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

It's not at all to be honest.

I am probably being old fashioned - the equivalent of standing at the gate waving till the visitors drive away. It was just an automatic reaction and I didn't think about it till I got all the queries here.

I agree with this. I'm not letting her in again. I don't want to pursue a friendship at all.

I am hoping this is a temporary phase in her life, the new mum daze that some people talk about.

I've seen it with the odd new mum friend where they just seem to lose touch with the world on its usual timezones and relate everything to their current setup. The difference there is that they were friends beforehand and I don't mind that they can't talk anything but baby as I know it'll pass.

It's fine, you're just being polite! My mistaken interpretation!
Other people shouldn't jump to accuse though, should they?

@NCForOneNightOnly I hope that clarification has helped.

I don’t understand people’s fixation on you walking someone home.

She sounds super strange, you tried polite, you tried hints, you tried direct and nothing worked.

I understand your husband’s initial reaction because he didn’t know how crazy this woman has been. It something I would have talked to my husband about prior to this though. But you’ve had the conversation now and he understands.

I want to know if she has the nerve to message you again like nothing has happened!!

I have a friend exactly like this. I avoid now. She just doesn't take the hint, is quite self absorbed so even meeting in public feels like I'm just there for her to offload. Honestly, I'm distancing myself as I can't cope with the invasion and one sided story!

I just couldn't imagine staying in someone's house after being asked to leave, even if my baby was sleeping. You did the right thing, she was ignoring all of your more subtle hints and requests and being direct was the only way this would hit home.

Was she always like this?

I mer a friend through work and we hit it off massively. We shared during many work trips, took short hols together, many many fun nights out. She had a baby and became a sahm when I was still single. I remember visiting semi regularly (I had to travel to see her or it would have been more frequent) when she was deep into the nappy years and we tried out beat but had nothing in common!

It was crazy because we would have literally laughed till our faces hurt in the years before that.

Anyway that was just changing life circumstances for both of us. We drifted, made some efforts to meet up again, drifted some more. We are now friends in theory I would say! Our kids are different ages, we live far apart but still ask after each other.

No. Ridiculous.

👍🏼

Me neither, no way. The only way I can imagine doing it is if for whatever reason I wasn't registering what they were saying. That's why I mentioned the dazed vibe.

My friend told me about a highly frustrated cafe owner in a prime CBD location appearing seemingly out of nowhere and telling her that she was being very unfair. It was actually hilarious the way she (with hindsight) described it.

Apparently she was out shopping with the toddler baby and exhausted headed into a cafe and found a table. She describes the complete joy of settling her weary bones down and discovering there was table service so she didn't have to get up again. She ordered a coffee and scone which appeared at her table like magic, she didn't have to go and sort it herself. She fed her toddler who was surprisingly agreeable and then fell into a blissful sleep in the buggy obviously exhausted from all the tantrumming they did earlier.

She then extracted her book from the nappy bag and apart from waving the waitress over for more water occasionally shut the world out. She was in heaven.

Then 'out of nowhere' she as confronted with this 'rude and angry man' thrusting a bill at her and saying she has monopolised the table for long enough. She was outraged at his rudeness.

Then she looked around. Clocked the long queue of hungry looking diners snaking around the place. Glanced around her stuff spread all over the table for four people occupied only by her. Checked her watch and realised she had been there for three hours.

She said she would have sat there for as long as the child slept with not one iota of concern for her surroundings.

@Aworldofwonder Bear in mind that Mumsnet is read by the world and its neighbour at times.

Some people will get you, and get what you mean. Some people won't. Some people have extremely strange perspectives. Some people sadly post from a place, frankly, of ill - will (on Reddit there are forums of men who say they deliberately post on Mumsnet to alienate and hurt posters, because this is a strong place of women's support and can call out some terrible behaviour.

Not every posts with either common sense or good will.

Take the useful posts from this thread (which do include tough love ones!) and dismiss the rest.

Well yes, @Theendoftheroll

Quite.

You might want to consider that in relation to your own posts on this thread. Unless you're simply wanting to pick holes in @Aworldofwonder for the fun of it?

Perhaps you could offer to go around to hers instead of her coming to you? Then you have more control over how long to stay. Though sounds like she's not going to be a problem anymore after your last interaction.

Why would OP want to go to hers?

I know! Don't encourage her!

I can well believe you guys walking her home - with people like this, if you don't actively start walking them home they will put the breaks on, faff about at the doorstep, "oh just one more thing", pop back to the loo, get to the end of the garden path "oh did you hear that funny thing..."

You have to practically grab the back of their elbow and steer them down the road until you can shove them into their own front door (or, in my case, into their car) and then turn around and leg it before they say "oh just one more thing..."

Hi there, This person is being MANIPULATIVE. These types DONT change. It's MY way OR the HIHHWAY , always
.. DUMP HER now. Write her a letter abd tell her that you are moving out of town So cannot be her friend. , GO TO COMFORT place. And dont feel guilty about it because these types do much worse things. ALSO dont let her around your Husband ( ask me)!!!!!!!!

I don't think there was any other way than to lay it down to her, OP. For whatever reason, the woman is oblivious to the needs and wants of others. Glad your DH gets it now.

This poster has been on several threads accusing people of making up all sorts, she's had some posts deleted. Very strange.

If it is a woman.

That is a very good point.

@Aworldofwonder I'm late to the thread but you are completely in the right. Hopefully there isn't anything untoward going on at home, but as she has a supportive family she sees often, and lots of actual friends to invite to her party, others will be there to help if they suspect anything - it's not your job,

Also have to laugh at the poster who keeps repeatedly saying they are worried about you...even if they have social difficulties, it's easy to say 'how are you?' or ask any basic question to show interest in your life.

On that note, I know PPs have mentioned autism or similar and I disagree that even if that is the case, that you should have done anything differently.

I have a young adult child with autism who has struggled with social boundaries, For instance I told her that you cannot keep texting someone if they've told you they are busy or they need a break. She continued to do this (this was as a teen) and understandably she lost a couple of friends.

Clear consequences are the only way anyone will learn. And my daughter is highly unlikely to ever be able to live alone or have a family (learning difficulties as well) so this woman has absolutely zero excuse and I wouldn't feel bad at all that it got to the stage you had to be blunt.

She was totally in the wrong. Maybe you could have been a bit gentler but sometimes selfish people like that need to be told straight.