New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

Possible personality disorder. You can't deal with extreme behaviour, moderately. You did the right thing. I had one once. I needed to lock my door because even when it was locked I could hear the handle rattling.........

Tell us more please

We were in our early twenties. She was needy and clingy. Always invited herself to days out, for example she happened to be present when my aunty swung by and suggested coffee date. She invited herself along even though this was a future date for the diary, for a family get together. It was weird and awkward and by that time I'd had enough and told her no. Anyway, she always seemed to know when I was home and would call over. In the end I said listen I get so tired after work, I'm not well. I often go to sleep for a few hours in the afternoons as I really need it. While I'm dosing I would hear my name being called and it's her! She then spends about ten minutes turning the lock on my handle as if trying to open the front door. I mean really rattling it, not even entering quietly. I told a psychotherapist I knew at the time and he immediately said "personality disorder."

Oh goodness that has taken me back to an unhinged young woman who attached to me in our very early twenties. I didn't have the skills then to address it head on. She drove me crazy before I managed to escape.

I hope she is ok now. She was really struggling.

Well done OP. What she did was incredibly rude and she showed no respect for your boundaries. It’s perfectly fine to say no and expect people to respect that, you have nothing to feel guilty for. I would advise you start creating some distance and don’t put any more effort in with her.

You have done nothing wrong, Aworldofwonder, except perhaps letting it go on too long before saying anything.

I feel for the woman but she was taking over your life! She is likely to latch on to someone else fairly quickly. You've done your bit to help her, try to put it behind you now.

In future, don't be too quick to answer the door or phone unless you are expecting someone.

I have a friend like this. Just can't get rid of her! I made the mistake of introducing her to my friendship group because I felt sorry for her and now every time I go out with them she has to tag along and all the does is complain about work like she is the only one who's got a job..I feel your annoyance

Further to my recent post, it does occur to me that the lady is scared to be alone in the house with her baby when her husband goes off to work. This is irrational but it happens, she cannot help it. It's not uncommon in the post natal period and does go away but is Hell to live thriugh. It's also very difficult to admit or talk about to anyone.

Not yiour problem, you have done more than enough but bear it in mind, rthink kindly of her and don't cut her off completely - just be sure to establish firm boundaries in future.

I could be wrong of course but her behaviour is quite extreme.

Does she have a husband/partner? She might be after yours, and your husband defending her when you had to ask her to leave is a big red flag. He should have supported you completely, but he was on her side? Hmmm.

She is married. I would be very surprised if my DH was interested in her like that.

That is a very sad thought. She will need to get support elsewhere though.

its completely unethical and goes against the agreed code of conduct for a psychotherapist to "diagnose" an unknown, unseen person based on hearsay.

I think you’ll find lots of professionals have chats like this with close friends. He’s not diagnosing, he’s suggesting that what his friend is dealing with is indicative of someone with a personality disorder

She probably plonks herself down each day in different friends/families houses for an easy life and you are on rotation or they've learnt to avoid her by now.
Meanwhile her house is emaculuate for when her husband gets home.
I've known others who clean their house in the morning and mess up someone else's instead with their kids.
Oh and shes not using her electric, heating or water during the day.
She obviously doesn't want to spend any money on neutral territory either i.e. coffee shops. Or burn calories by going for a walk and fresh air which would do her and the baby a world of good.
Lock the door ignore her in future if she persists and if DH let's her in again, get in the bath for three hours and leave him to it, I'm sure he'd come round to your way of thinking.
If you have any worries that she has PND have a word with her dh privately and let him sort it within the family.

I just want to say good on you for standing your ground. I had a baby too and moved to a new area (outside London) which is a bit more family friendly as opposed to our home in South London. The neighbours here are mostly older all retired etc and they have bring stopping in ever since the baby was born - just ringing the door bell (even in the middle of feeding) I had to put the boob away to answer the door! Baby is older now but I am back to work full time and my WFH days are just awful as they seem to treat it like a day off so pop in for coffee! (And never leave) until I have to go get the baby from nursery! Sometimes I am the last parent at pick up and I was working from home all day so think will pick him up earlier but it’s never happened thanks to my guests! So good on you

How can you get more effective than a text stating not to come over as you're busy? OP tried to be kind, it didn't work.

I have a feeling that street smarts and dealing with pushy people is not your strong point, although I'm sure you think it is.

People like that don't do the sort of communication you're talking about. They take is as a weakness and will either ignore or become more brazen.

Makes a nice change to see a woman be assertive, deal with the issue and have the outcome required! Bet that felt like a relief!!

How do you think she should handle someone who disregarded her express wish for her not to come over?

It was massively inconsiderate and intrusive and selfish to insist on coming over regardless. Especially turning up unannounced.

We learn this at like age 4 “Not everyone wants to play with you even if you want to play with them!”

I saw my friend teaching this sentiment to his reception age son the other day when he kept trying to play with a boy who clearly wasn’t keen on him. He got it. So why does this woman not?

The woman needs to grow up and start thinking of others.

She couldn’t read the room

Your husband is clearly a nice, normal human so automatically thought your treatment of a new mother was awful. This is a good sign.
Explain to him why. It makes sense to lots of us, but he probably won't be fully behind you unless she does the same to him. Which she won't.
It's a sign that he's a nice person. Mega annoying though 😬

by using an actual psychological term, he absolutely is diagnosing. its a reportable offense not something to be dismissed

It isn't uncommon in England to walk someone bak to their house which is down the road if they have a baby in a pram. It isn't uncommon to wave someone off at the door. I do think, and clearly im right judging by all the people saying it's weird that you/your husband walked her home, that some people just have no clue how to be hospitable. It's sad.

And also yes, she's crazy. Ive met a few like this, actually was reminiscing about one tonight - eventually had to call a taxi. It had been days and she wouldnt leave. does this woman do any backhanded compliments, other putting you or others down type behaviour? I think the newborn is a red herring.

I doubt people are going to report friends for having a discussion about someone they’ve never even met