New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

You did the right thing OP. You obviously have the patience of a saint. Just ignore posters trying to get you to justify things. It's none of their business.

I think you should back off tbh.

Oh the poor woman. I hope she got help.

Yes for hours as I've already stated many times in this thread. Do you need me to say it again?

I think you have posted more times in this thread than me however. I've counted 22 over the last few pages alone.

You seem determined to make a case that this woman's visits are coming from a place of support and concern for ME. This is a woman who seems oblivious to the possibility I have any life or interests outside of her baby. Perhaps you should delve privately into why you're so determined to make that case?

Are you feeling uncomfortable because you've realised that you yourself call to people's houses uninvited even when you've been expressly told not to? Perhaps you have justified it to yourself that you are actually doing it for their own good?

That's the only reason I can think of for your behaviour here.

As for the five or six posts focusing purely on us doing a 90 second walk to her house... Sorry I've tried to make sense of that but it's beyond me.

How would sitting on someone’s house for hours at a time, not asking anything about them, and refusing to leave when asked reflect any concern at all for OP?

Yes, it sounds like the woman has her own problems and doesn't want to go home.

Oh crikey this is awful. I really hope it was nothing like this.

I suspect you're the 'supportive' sort yourself are you?

Yes, do you know anything about her DH or family?
Worrying.

This made me actually guffaw... Thank you!

No idea, at all. I don't even know her dh to see which is unusual.

Aaaargh, this will sound cold but I really don't want to get involved. I have enough going on in my own house.

If she has the massive family network she says, don’t worry, there’s plenty other people in her life. A contact she met through a fitness class can absolutely step back. You don’t have to be involved any longer.

No, it could be something very unpleasant. On the other hand she could just be needy.

Yeah i know but I also know I'm going to leave it now. If she reaches out to me I will consider what to do next.

My thread title was wrong and misleading on reflection because I wasn't bothered about this woman. I was upset by my DH.

Sorry OP but she sounds like a nightmare.

And whilst it would be dreadful if she were being abused by her partner, how and why is that your responsibility to deal with when you aren't even a friend?? I mean, if she came battering down the door asking for help, yes of course I'd try and steer her in the direction of her own family members or outside help but as for anything else, no. As MNetters are always saying 'You need boundaries OP' and 'no is a complete sentence' 😉

I wouldn't be getting involved either. Hopefully she has now got the message!

I think she is finding you a pleasant and convenient place to be. Your house fits in with her day, as you’re only down the road and she can’t walk far. She must be lonely and finding it hard not being able to drive. She needs to start walking more with the pushchair. Once she gets her health back, she will be able to walk further and enjoy cafes and activities. I still don’t understand why she messaged you asking if she could come over, only to ignore you and still turn up! It seems very odd and had to be addressed like you did. Otherwise she will always be popping in for 4 hours but still needing pushing out! I think she is too overwhelmed with the baby and sick of staying home alone. Perhaps her partner is encouraging her to visit you to get out of the house! Who knows?! I think I’d only ever meet her if we agreed an outside venue but I wouldn’t let her into my home!

Where did she say that? Or did you just make it up?

No. I didn't "just make it up". 🙄
It's already been clarified and explained by the OP.
They don't live in the UK.
It is customary to escort women even short distances.
I do hope that helps.

@Aworldofwonder I agree that she views you as some kind of free resource, or mentor figure, based on your helping her with the exercise previously.

What is challenging is her belief that she can turn up when you've said "no". I wouldn't answer the door, and I would block her number now, actually. That's what I'd do, I know others are going to be a bit softer in their suggestions.

My fault -

I said didn't live in England so maybe the 'walking someone around' seemed more normal to me. It's not expected to be honest, kind of an old-fashioned thing as she's a mum on her own.

That poster assumed I meant for safety reasons and I didn't correct her till someone else mentioned it again.

It's actually not a safety thing and may have not been totally necessary but; it was two minutes for us to give her a hand with her stuff, there are two of us and one of her, we are totally able bodied and she is struggling a little. Mainly though it ended the visit with finality instead of letting it drag on any longer.

The first visit when my DH came home I thought brilliant, that will signal her departure. But then she started over sharing massively about the birth, he was settling in for baby cuddles and I thought oh here we go, she will be here till midnight.

You already clarified that upthread, but thanks for doing so again!
I did initially misunderstand the situation, but you've made it clear! Thanks 🙏🏼