New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

It’s the only think clingons understand .
They never just fade out it always takes a big scene.
You did nothing wrong

No she was bloody rude. You told her not to - she has no respect for you.

this might not be a popular opinion but I don’t think you’ve done a thing wrong here, she sounds cheeky and like she wants somewhere to park her bum so her own house isn’t chaotic.

Sometimes you have to be rude to people who themselves are being very, very rude by ignoring what you are saying to them. Don't feel guilty about it @Aworldofwonder . You are not the one behaving badly here.

You're in the right here OP. She was a CF for coming over when you specifically told her not to.

Is it her first? Do you think she might be a lonely or is having problems coping?

Obviously she wasn't taking your huge hint which is a shame.

You did the right thing. Hopefully she wont do this again.

Just need to bring DH up to date with events so that he understands where you’re coming from.

She was rude...

And clearly hard of understanding...

Only way to deal with these people is to be blunt.

Bluntness can be mistaken for rudeness, but it really is not rudeness

Is she struggling to cope?
Does she have a supportive partner?
Could she have postnatal depression?

This sounds like a cry for help rather than someone being pushy and demanding.

She sounds like Jane in Outnumbered!
You did the right thing. @Aworldofwonder

YANBU, sounds like she is struggling and needs a friend but that doesn't have to be you. (Does she not have DH, friends, family?)

I doubt you'll hear from her again unless she is sniffing round your DH.

I think your husband has seen it go from 0-100 with no context so that’s why he’s shocked. Possibly you could have said it more gently (but only for his benefit really) as its frankly batshit that someone would come round after being told not to come round and then be offended they’ve been sent away.

forget about it for now and if he mentions it, explain why you were quite so forceful.

You said you were too busy and that didn't work so 🤷.
Well done for having some boundaries. Some people will take a mile if you give an inch, she is one of them.

I think you handled a difficult situation well tbh and now you’ve set a clear boundary the situation will be much improved.

I can understand your dp feeling sorry for a new mum who is obviously a bit lonely. But it sounds like you have already been super accommodating and set the right boundary at the right time. Your dp doesn’t appreciate the full story so don’t let his judgment override your own.

She was told very clearly not to come round.

There are times it is ok to be rude.
This is one of them.

Tell your husband to save the white knight bullshit for someone who deserves it.

No, she has boundaries. She made clear it wasn’t convenient and was ignored

@Aworldofwonder if your husband is that fussed he can hang out with her

I had a friend like this. You do need to be blunt. Don't let her in to your house again. If you want to continue the friendship meet at hers or out. If she keeps pushing, say that you don't want her in your house because she doesn't leave when asked. Nothing else will work.

Poor woman desperately needs friends, as you do as a new mum. Can’t you help her find some things to do locally, as it sounds like you have older children so might have better ideas about what to do with kids in the area? Eg is there music or story time at a local library or church or bookshop, or mum and baby fitness or yoga, or baby swim at the pool you both go to? What are the best playgrounds with equipment for small kids? Explain to her she needs to find other new mums at these activities, suggest a coffee, etc.

No. More people need to have boundaries and not be afraid to voice them, calmly and firmly. You don’t just park yourself in someone’s living room when you’ve been told it’s not convenient.

She needs to be getting involved with baby classes church playgroups or just going out and about with her baby, it’s not up to you to fill the void because you live on the same street.

I do think you need to maintain your boundaries.
I can't help feeling a bit sorry for her. I'd there anyone else in the fitness group who might see her?
I would go to her house, take biscuits, have a coffee, and leave when you want, then you're not dropping her, but you're in control. Maybe mention nice mum and baby activities locally if you know any, where she might meet people too.

I think you had to say something and it's not for your DP to police how you do that.

However, if she gets in touch again, I'd be tempted to be really direct and ask if she's coping with the baby/her partner ok or if there's a problem. It's awful but often domestic abuse begins during pregnancy or the postpartum period; I slightly wonder if she's trying to stay out of the house for a reason. I know it's not your problem to sort out, but it couldn't hurt to ask. And you could ask if she knows any other new mums.

I've got a nine-week old and I'd forgotten how much, when they are tiny, you do spend hours sitting chatting and not waking the baby. Obviously you need other new mums to do it with, as people like you have lives and can't!

I do sympathise, btw - it's awful when people cling.

Well this is the bit that has upset me because if anything he usually tells me off for being a people pleaser and doing too much for people.

In fact he was a bit incredulous when I started driving us both to swimming as it's not my thing really.

So I'm mainly hurt that he wouldn't jump to the conclusion that this was a unique situation.

He walked them home and when he came back shot me a look of contempt, said she apologised for upsetting me. He was gone a while. I felt so bothered by his reaction I couldn't bring myself to fill him in (I'd told him bits before but it's not wildly interesting, I doubt he registered) or 'defend' myself.

Now I'm still feeling unsettled and upset so I will have to sit down and talk to him. It's his reaction that has upset me mainly.

Thats what she needed am afraid as she has no bounds and respect for you. Whether she’s struggling lonely PND etc you still did tell her NOT to come as you were busy