New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

Boundaries

😂. I have my very own Jane. Someone I am actually fond of in small doses. But she will happily pop by for a visit in the morning and still be there for dinner, whilst chattering non stop about herself and her problems.

I tried all the soft hints and "well its been lovely to see you but..." lines but they got me nowhere. So now I just stand up (sometimes mid torrent) and say "well this has been great but I'm going to have to kick you out because I need to crack on". Its not instantaneous as it still takes ages to round her her shoes/coat/child but if I stand firm and keep hustling she does leave.

And she always comes back too, in spite of what some quarters of MN would deem to be my appalling rudeness!

You haven't done anything wrong here.

She has stomped over every boundary you have set, so you had no alternative but to be really blunt.

You can explain it to your husband at some point, but he should have realised that for you to be so abrupt there must be a back story.

Maybe after a few days invite her to meet you at a coffee shop, or tell her you can pop to hers at x time, and together look up mother and baby activities/groups etc that she can join.

Surely rude is turning up when someone has explicitly said not to as they’re busy?

i think that you could have phrased that better. i know she is a pain but to be honest she is lonely may even be depressed. she obviously is struggling lacks confidence in her ability to mother the baby. instead of this why don't you perhaps help her meet other mums maybe a mum and baby group?

Don't let him or anyone else upset you about this. People find it way too easy to stand on the sidelines and dictate how someone else should behave in a situation that is having no effect on them whatsoever.

I think you need to have words with him now. My bet is he was gone for so long because he was giving it all, “I’m so sorry about her, she shouldn’t have spoken to you like that” blah blah. So this woman will think she is in the right because even your husband sided with her.

Did she give any explanation for why she came over when you said no, you were busy and couldn’t have a visit today?

SHE was bloody rude! You can't just turn up at someone's house after they've told you no 😱

No she wasn’t.

She was direct. She stuck to her word and boundaries.

Can we all PLEASE stop confusing being direct as being “rude” it’s exhausting and such a shitty part of our British culture. I hate when we have to be “polite” and “beat around the bush” to avoid upsetting people instead of just being honest.

Nope, you did the precisely right thing. And how dare your husband not have your back when a cheeky fucker is smashing your boundaries? He actually white knighted her and went against you in front of her?! I would have ripped his head off his shoulders when he returned.

Is she super attractive? I find that many men give zero fucks about the feelings of unattractive women.

As rude as ignoring a message asking her NOT to turn up.... and then turning up anyway?

You were at the end of your rope with her. She had excuses not to leave when you clearly asked her to leave.

I would suggest sending her a text and explaining you didn’t mean to be cross but you have too much going on and maybe suggesting meeting up once a month and put a time limit on it.

God no. She's well rid of her.

I'm surprised your husband hasn't given you the immediate benefit of the doubt if so out of character for you! I suppose it must have been shocking for him without context.
Hope he sees sense, as she really left you with little choice.

There are countless struggling mums who might feel lonely but would never dream of imposing the way this woman has. She's been incredibly rude.

Your husband's being an absolute dick here, he should be on your side (or at the very least get your side before making judgements!)

She wont leave the house for various reasons... OP has tried.

You did the right thing, people can't just come to your house and stay for hours when you've said no.
I had a colleague who used to turn up like this anytime of the day or night and I had to be extremely blunt with her. She didn't understand no.

I’d be really upset with my dh if he did that. You should be able to trust him to have your back.

Right. No matter what he was thinking he was incredibly disrespectful to his wife to openly coddle a cheeky fucker his wife clearly had an issue with.

Where the hell is his sense of loyalty?What kind of man doesn't give his wife the benefit of the doubt and just say "well, what was that all about then?" after the cheeky fucker has left.

You have to be a bit brutal with people like this unfortunately. You asked her not to come round and she did anyway. Weird of her. Better to set boundaries.

@Aworldofwonder She wasn’t listening to any of the boundaries you were trying to set. Turning up uninvited, staying for hours, refusing to leave, and even ignoring a direct message saying you were busy, that’s not normal social behaviour, even for a lonely new mum.

You didn’t handle the final interaction perfectly, but you were pushed into a corner. You’d already tried polite hints, suggesting walks instead, and even directly saying you needed her to leave. She ignored all of it.

Your DH only saw the last five seconds, not the months of you being imposed on. You weren’t nasty, you were firm after every softer approach failed.

Going forward, you’re absolutely allowed to say: ‘I’m not available for visits. Please don’t call over.’ And if she turns up anyway, you don’t have to let her in.
You’re not a public service. You’re allowed to protect your time, your home, and your peace

he usually tells me off for being a people pleaser and doing too much for people. [...]
He doesn't like you people-pleasing because it means you are less available to please him. He doesn't like your time and energy being spent elsewhere.

he came back shot me a look of contempt [...]
Huge red flag. Don't forget this. File it away in your mind and remember it if his behaviour continues to deteriorate in other ways.

I couldn't bring myself to fill him in (I'd told him bits before but it's not wildly interesting, I doubt he registered) or 'defend' myself
Has he conditioned you to always 'people-please' him? i.e. never upset him, never start arguments, always keep the peace at home?
Do you feel like you are 'walking on eggshells' around him?

It is very worrying for your relationship if you feel you can't talk to him easily and honestly.

It's a shame your husband only saw this one instance, which looks like you acted disproportionately, but you didn't. She was very rude turning up after being told not to come. She sounds extremely annoying. And while she probably needs support, this isn't how to go about getting it.