New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

Ok that is easily solved. Why on earth are you allowing your neighbours to interrupt your work? You are working. End of. Stick up for yourself!

You didn't do anything wrong. Does your husband not see how incredible rude it is to just turn up to somebody's house, especially when they've specifically been told not too? Or is he the same same as your neighbour and thinks he can just do what he wants?

Tell him next time he can sit and chat to her for hours if he wants her there.

??? Obviously having a big circle and lots of family doesn't mean you have someone constantly attached to you to help you with your buggy, does it.

She can still have lots of friends and struggle with her buggy 😂

This thread is attracting some right weirdos. You sound great OP, well done for having boundaries.

Lots of angry cling ons are triggered. Op responded perfectly

You absolutely did the right thing. People like this take any kind of kindness as a green light to cling on more and more. Don’t be surprised if she still hasn’t got the message though. You need to stop it now or this will drag on for years!

I think you handled her just right. Overstaying, refusing to leave, turning up after specifically being told she is not welcome is down right rude. I would have lost my temper too.

You have clearly been kind and supportive in the past and she has taken it too far. You have no responsibility towards her. Sounds like she has family and the support of medical professionals- let them look after her instead.

As for all the nutty comments fixated on walking her home, I would do the same thing too if it was a couple of doors down. It’s nice to have an extra set of hands getting in the door with a pram, baby, nappy bag, finding keys etc. I don’t see what the fuss is about.

Personality disorder.

Anyway, it’s totally fine for anyone to say ‘that person is showing signs of a personality disorder’ that is not diagnosing them and is not an offence to say those words.

Sorry I don’t know why you said personality disorder?

I have a sort of friend who does the same
Dont feel bad just keep making excuses as honestly isnt working
I said I just had a phone call need to go out
Go for a short drive
Etc
It does work eventually

Re: personality disorder
It was mentioned upthread and there was a chain of replies regarding not diagnosing people. Can you see the chain of replies in my post? Sorry I am unable to edit it, and it might look out of context.

I have reached the eventually stage. No way am I having her into the house again.

You were not rude OP, this woman has skin like a rhino hide, she heard your firm rebuttal and smiled and shrugged her shoulders when you asked why she’d turned up after you’d said a firm no. Your ‘D’ H was completely unsupportive, I’m not suprised you’re feeling unsettled by his reaction. You drew a firm boundary and it was bulldozed over by this woman, what does your DH think you should have done, allowed yourself to be held hostage all afternoon and every other time this woman turns up? You are most definitely Not Unreasonable 💐

You're not wrong. One horrible poster who seems to have taken personal offence to me here has revived an old thread of mine where I'm talking about struggling with intimacy. They are now posting under a different username on it sneering at me and my marriage.

I don't know what's in it for people behaving like this.

I guess (now I've 'deflated' a bit) if I'd sat down and spoken to her it might not have been a smile and shrug but tears and confiding of some sort. Or maybe not and she really did just read my message and think "oh I'll only go for a little while".

Regardless I really don't want to be in that role with her. I haven't volunteered for it. If she was in my friends or family circle then yes.

Right now, no.

I think so too but I don't understand it. Have they been told off before for arriving unannounced or something?

Well she shouldn't even have been in the room in the first place!

Report them. They should be banned.

They are generally just cunts.

There are some who seem to derive some sort of actual thrill by hunting down everything a poster has ever said and then gleefully claiming some tiny perceived inconsistency as a massive win for them.

Horrible behavior but actually it says much more about them than you.

Re this thread you are my new hero as I'd have wanted to do exactly as you have but when something a bit similar happened to me it took me forever to take apropriate action. In my case it took a 5 hour phone call on Christmas day from a former friend who was sucking the life out of me and who was "distraught" because her husband hadn't wanted to hold her hand when out for a walk. I was trying to do Christmas dinner and having to ignore my own kids to listen to this needy irrelevant shite. At this point she was on the phone to me for 15 plus hours a week moaning over nothing. Wish I'd had your boundaries sooner!

I reported her yesterday, lot of posts got deleted on other threads. Keep reporting her and hopefully she'll get banned.

The best thing to do is to not over think this as this will cause unnecessary stress.
Also please ignore the rude poster.

You definitely needed to set a boundary and you did the right thing in doing that.

If the new mum needs support, as you said she has plenty of friends and family to get support from.
She is just using you for her convenience and I wouldn't be a doormat for anyone.

She obviously doesn't consider you as a friend as you are not invited to her house and weren't invited to her birthday party.
I consider it very rude for her to then show you the birthday party pictures, when you weren't invited.
People like this are selfish and they obviously feel entitled.
People like this obviously exist but doesn't mean we stay quiet and let them use us and our time.

I also hope that you have explained the situation to your husband and now he understands your feelings.
Best wishes.

You've been swimming with this woman, you are indeed close friends.

What?

Yes, that’s the barometer of a close friendship. FFS 😂