New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

[Inengland]

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

I have been in the ex's position. The man you are dating is a criminal. You should cut your losses. When someone tells them who you are believe them the first time and all of that.

• you who they are that should have been

I do believe him! I just don't know whether he was criminal then and certainly whether he is now.

I would suspect there may probably be far more to it than what he says and he's trying to get his side in before you hear the rest from anyone else.

My first instinct with that is “why did he tell you?”

The only man I’ve ever known to seem like he was voluntarily giving information about poor behaviour sexually was actually trying to protect himself when people found out he had convictions for his behaviour.

To be blunt - having sex with someone unable to consent is raping them. He’s told you, early doors, that he’s a rapist.

What does he have to gain from that and why has he told you? Is it so that convictions or allegations getting to you he can say “I already told you?” Or because if you Clares law him it’ll come up? Or if he does it to you he can say “I warned you”.

It’s a strange thing to confess to given the woman has apparently not said anything and he therefore doesn’t know how she feels about it. Like someone else said I’d worry this was testing you to see how you react as there might be more to be revealed.

My first thought is suspicion, not many men will openly admit something like this. It is a crime. So what I wonder is what he ISNT telling you. Is he telling you a sanitised version so that if you were to request a police disclosure for example, you would already be ‘pre prepared’ and he got in there first. Be very wary OP.

I wondered that too. I can't imagine this particular incident would come up because he said she'd never mentioned it again and that they were still friendly. But it did make me wonder if there were other potential incidents. Hmm.

I agree with @FullOfNoises. There is more to this than he’s saying. . I can’t see any reason for him to tell you this if as he says she has never mentioned it and they’re still friendly acquaintances.

He's telling you so he can gauge what you'll accept in a relationship

There's a reason he's told you despite not having to say anything. Now ask yourself why. The answer won't be good.

Have you done a Claire's Law request yet? If not, I think you should do so, and take it from there.

If she’s still part of his social circle then he’s likely worried she’ll got to the police at some point.

Has he had other partners since then?

I noticed you said in another post you weren’t sure if he was criminal then - he was. Legally if she could not consent he raped her. He was a sober man who raped a very drunk woman.

Not sure he should get a gold star for telling you he had sex with a woman too drunk to consent. Hey, I raped my friend, but at least I’m honest right?

why are you pleased he told you he raped someone?

edited for typo

Im surprised someone would offer this up freely. Although, my BIL is an abusive man, and he tells women of his past relationships and how volatile they were. How he had therapy and is a different man. I've warned them and not been taken seriously, and my H and I have rescued a few. He had a story, he charmed them and then fucked them up as well. We don't have contact now. I refuse to let him around my kids.

Yup, I would really wonder about his motivations for sharing this. It seems like setting himself up in a sympathetic position if this or a similar incident ever came out. One way or another, you’re dating a confessed rapist.

Firstly, you have no idea how she feels about this and the 'worse than she did apparently' remark is flippant considering the circumstances.

It might be worth digging into why you haven't immediately dumped him. He had sex with someone who couldn't consent and is eager to tell you she's fine with it. You have believed him, automatically.

I don’t understand why he’d tell you about this.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Rape is sex without consent. A drunk woman cannot give consent. Silence is not consent.

Your new man told you he raped someone.

Read that again, and for your own safety, stop seeing him.

According to him it wasn't silence. She proactively asked him to have sex with her. But yes, she was drunk.

Well it was less than 24hrs ago and I have been thinking about it ever since. I didn't immediately dump him that second but I still might! It's not that I automatically believe him, I just don't automatically disbelieve him. Obviously it's impossible to know how other people feel but it is a fact that she is still friendly with him and nothing has happened about it in the decade and a half since it happened.

Claire’s law . I suspect that some sexual crime will come up in the disclosure. Maybe not an actual conviction. He’s getting “his” story out there in preparation. Be careful x

I think one thing that would be in my mind was how old he was at the time, and the age of the woman concerned.

I agree about a Claire's law referral, better still ending the relationship. I expect there is more crime in the bedroom not admitted to.

This won’t go down well, I have my hard hat on but…

I do think it was different times 15 years ago, wrongly so, but I think this was quite acceptable back then.

I was late teens then, it was only not consent if you were actually saying no, sexual harassment on nights out was deemed okay and there was a huge lad culture.

I am not saying it was right but I wonder if he’s now been educated on the error of his ways and, rightly, regrets his actions.

to add, I think a Clare’s Law application is sensible