New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

[Inengland]

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

There's a lot of 'according to him' in your posts (including that those texts are actually from her). But you're ignoring that according to him, he had sex with someone who couldn't consent. It's not confusing unless you think that's ok.

Even if she was very drunk and he was sober, if she verbally asked him to have sex and was present and participating activly and enthusiastically throughout then why would he have any reason to feel guilty?

Its sounds to me like she either didnt ask or asked and then passed out and he continued.

I cannot see any other explanation for him holding guilt for 15 years.

Well, IF this is how it was, I probably would be ok with it. It sounds more like drunken sex than her not being able to consent. She asked him for sex and she was still ok with her decision the next day, this doesn’t sound too drunk to consent to me. The question is though, why would it still be on his mind in that case. Maybe treat carefully for now and see what else you hear about this situation and his behaviour otherwise.

He raped her. What's with you blaming her in the OP?

I feel more confused now than I did before. The four replies immediately before me typing this were Definitely A Rapist 2-2 Probably Actually Fine.

You can be drunk and still consent = not rape.

You cannot be 'paralytic drunk' and consent = rape.

He is telling you for a reason.

If he genuinely though she consented then it wouldn't even cross his mind.

Sounds like he's been reported or is going to be reported, perhaps he's even been in prison before already.

Blaming her? I am definitely not doing that.

Well this is my point, OP.

Lots of people have sex when drunk and don’t go away afterwards worried that it was actually rape. If your boyfriend’s colleague proactively asked him for sex and then seemed completely fine afterwards, why is he still so anxious about it more than a decade on?

I would suspect that the reason is that there was a lot more to it than you’ve been told, like she passed out in the middle of it, or she didn’t really ask for sex, or she was obviously paralytic when asking or he’s done it multiple times and is hedging against a similar incident coming out.

Why did he tell you? I think he's testing your boundaries and trying to unsettle you. It's hardly going to bring you closer together. It's a weird thing to bring up.

Aren't your spidey senses going off your instincts about this man at all?

You've known him all of 3 weeks and he is telling you something that happened 15 years ago and then letting you read text messages from this woman? Why would he do that?

He waits until you are kind of liking him enough to stick around and then he springs the stuff on you

Men lie a lot about all kinds of things
If you're to a point where you need to do a Claire's law search on a man, you might as well just end it .

you've only known him 3 weeks
He is still a stranger

Stop giving men the benefit of the doubt

Obviously I don't know his definition of paralytic. Clearly she could still talk. I have seen people drunker than that.

I honestly don't think he fears being reported. Not by her anyway. She last texted him last week, about the football. And I don't think he has ever been in prison! He is very senior in a public sector organisation and wouldn't be in that position with any kind of criminal record let alone jail time for rape.

It doesnt make any sense. He's still in contact with her and friendly. He could talk to her about it but instead chose to talk to you.

eg.... Beth, ages ago you were really drunk and ask me to have sex with you. I did but I've been feeling really bad about it since. I feel like I crossed a boundary and wanted to discuss it with you.

He's doesnt feel bad enough to dicuss it with her. To apologise to her. To see how she feels about it. He wants to talk to a random stranger about his guilt instead of his friend he's know for decades.

You've only known him a few weeks.

Why would you even risk him being a weirdo?

Just walk away, you have absolutely no skin in the game.

I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt. I am literally doubting him, hence wondering what to do. I am just not immediately dumping him because I am wondering what to do. One can not immediately believe someone and also not immediately disbelieve someone at the same time.

He should have been stronger!? What does he mean by that?? Does he mean he should have been better able to resist his urges when a woman clearly unable to consent initiated sex with him? Is he suggesting that he is "stronger" now so you have nothing to worry about?

It's a weird word to use, in my opinion. "I should have behaved better." "I should have acted with more integrity." "I should have considered her wellbeing above my desires." "I should have shown better morals." "I shouldn't have taken advantage of her vulnerability." Stronger!? It's like he knew it was wrong at the time but poor lickle him his urges just took over his rational mind...

If she was too drunk to consent then he raped her. And he knows that.

It's very very weird that he told you this. It makes me suspicious.

This was my thought. I mean if they're exs and had slept together previously and she asked him to have sex with him and has never said anything about it I don't see it's that big a deal, especially 15 years ago. The fact he's chosen to tell you this would be the concern for me, what else has really gone on!

Consent could not be given, therefore he knowingly committed the crime of rape, fully sober. Nothing else including her behaviour afterwards is really relevant at all. Should she have chosen or does choose to report him to the police, and he has confessed, he will be charged for the crime he has committed. Are you truly not put off by this? A confession of rape and to boot he is going around telling this woman's private business relating to the event? I wonder if she knows he goes around speaking of this incident, and how she might feel about that. That anyone would ever even speak again to a man like this is wild to me.

As to why he told you this who can say - perhaps he is looking for you to validate that it was acceptable? This is some kink of his that he hopes to repeat? but I would be running a mile.

I'm not sure what there is to decide here?
He is a stranger you've known for 3 weeks
What is there to do?

Maybe the girl doesn't recall what happened that night. Has he spoken to her about his regret afterwards?

It doesn't say alot for his morals. He must be hiding something when he's told you like that. I don't think l could see him in the same light tbh.

Could be he told you because there’s more to it than he says, or it could be that he told you not because he has high moral standards so much as OCD or severe anxiety.

I was involved with a man once who was constantly ’confessing’ things to me that he felt guilty and scared about. He was terrified of going to prison for having illegally downloaded music in the early 2000s; he had ridiculous amounts of professional indemnity insurance and would lie awake at night convinced he was going to be sued for a mistake he didn’t know he’d made at work.

He constantly got STI tests (all always clear) and broke down in tears when I was invited for a routine smear test as he was certain it would show he’d given me HPV and I’d die of cervical cancer and it would be all his fault.

He told me this stuff because it gave him some relief to spread his mental state of constant fear and uncertainty, to get me to reassure him it would all be OK (though he would argue with me as though his life depended on it that it was NOT okay and it was a catastrophe).

I did for a while wonder if maybe he did have something truly dark and horrible he was feeling guilty about and the rest of these worries were just cover - but I think he was just extremely unwell and anxious.

It was no fun at all.

This post nails it.
Throw this one back, no good can come from this. He’s telling you who he is and it’s not good.

Exactly. This isn’t an incident he’s still confused about 15 years on.

He knows full fucking well he raped this woman when she was too paralytic to remember, and wants to know if the OP is gullible enough swallow his narrative and buy his nice-guy act.

Nobody normal comes out with this kind of shit a few weeks into dating.

lots of stuff here about 'why is he telling you', which i totally agree with. but as importnat to me, is something abour your own history with men and relationships.