New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

[Inengland]

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

There are other men. Why this one?

I ended a relationship when the Caroline flak news flared up.

My then partner told me an anecdote in which I believe he thought himself to be some kind of hero, he had hit a woman, but ‘only’ because she was coming at him and in self defence.
i had met this ex and I found it very hard to believe he would have had to have hit her to overpower her.

I had never seen any signs of this in him but it was a youngish relationship. The way he defended himself didn’t sit right with me and it led me to wonder what else he wasn’t telling me or what he might be capable of.
Many people might say she got what she deserved, played with fire etc But I ended the relationship because it scared me, plus it’s not just me, I had younger kids then too.

years later another ex of his posted online that she had been a long term victim of abuse, she didn’t name names but the timeline she suggested, plus other people’s comments on her post made it clear to me, it was about my ex partner, I see it as a very lucky escape for me, even though I never knew ‘for sure’.

Just do the Claire’s law check and go from there

Yup, a “hmm…“ is enough to get outa there.

Highly unlinkey a man needs to hit a woman in self defence too. He could restrain her.

Well, several on this thread have said that drunk consent is not consent.

So presumably the corollary of that is it should be illegal for any drunk woman to have sex as they are not capable of consent? I mean, that's what they're effectively saying, isn't it?!

He just flew one of the biggest red flags around. He's an opportunistic rapist. And that's only what he's told you. There's more.

No way would I ever see him again.

Firstly I think you’re hyperbolising what some posters have said … having sex with someone who the OP’s boyfriend has directly described as paralytic and too drunk to consent is, I think, pretty hard to paint as anything other than rape. This is the situation those posters are commenting on.

Secondly, do you not grasp how consent works? You can’t make it illegal for someone to have sex when they are too drunk to consent because… they are too drunk to consent! What you are effectively proposing is that it should be illegal to get drunk in case you have sex that you are not in a fit state to consent to.

Having drunk sex is only an issue if one of the parties involved later has an issue with it. People are free to drink alcohol and have sex but the reality is that it’s not a risk-free activity and if you’re in the habit of getting wasted and getting naked (or getting naked sober with people who are wasted) then you need to recognise that you’re taking your chances that everyone is going to wake up happy in the morning.

"People are free to drink alcohol and have sex"

No they're not! Not when several posters have said quite clearly that drunk consent is not consent!

There’s a range of opinions on the thread and being argumentative based on an extreme version of the opinion of a small group that you’ve singled out isn’t helping the OP.

I've had very drunk sex. Was NOT raped. But I'm with the 'why the heck is he telling you' crowd -- I'd be very suspicious, and with no way to get an answer I'd probably walk.

I think those insisting that women can't consent to sex if drunk are being unhelpful. It's unlikely to be what happened.

He’s a rapist. He told you so. Why are you giving this man a second more of your time?

I'm objecting to the concept of a woman being "allowed" - poor choice of word, like she's an inanimate object. She isn't someone's property. A better choice of word could be one that confers a woman's agency, but also that men who take advantage of women in an inebriated state especially when they are sober are scum lowlife.

I object to the idea that women are incapable of consenting if in an inebriated state. Obviously they can't if comatose but I personally wouldn't be able to walk, talk or suggest sex in the first place if that drunk.

So after a few weeks of seeing someone (you) he feels the need to confess this. Weird. Surely you’re not the first one he made this confession to, he must have had other relationships in those 15 years. What happened there?

I take it to be a warning. You seem to hold a very positive view of him, you get on well, he is ‘kind’ and appears to have his life sorted.

He is telling you things are not quite the way they seem. There is more under the surface that you dont know yet.

I dont believe for one second that this confession came from pure need to be ‘forgiven’ and his honest pure heart. It came from need to manage what is yet to be uncovered/discovered by you if you stay in this relationship.

Normal person would have dealt with this by now, gone through shame/making amends/etc and put it in their past. He hasn’t. Tbh, my gut feel is, he found the incident particularly sexually exciting and therefore keeps thinking and reliving it (hopefully in his head only). There’s a ton of shame attached to it but also tons of excitement which he’d be willing to repeat half given a chance.

Perhaps im wildly off here but i would steer clear from this man.

This man knew that she lacked capacity to consent, he said as much. This lady was not tipsy, or a bit drunk. He realised at the time that what he was doing was wrong because he was bloody sober!

Not all victims of sexual assault or rape will report it, many cannot even admit or believe it happened themselves let alone speak about it. Just because their relationship “carried on as normal” does not mean that this woman has not been deeply affected.

If the shoe was on the other foot, how many women on here would have sex with a man who was completely paralytic whilst sober themselves??

Please, please run away from this man.

How has this played out @Inengland ?

I've done a Clare's Law request, but obviously haven't had the full report yet (they didn't immediately tell me anything) but honestly I believe that he was telling me out of 2026 guilt at a 2010 act that he regrets and is ashamed of but which neither party thinks is a crime.

But I am not a mind reader (of his mind or hers) and neither is anyone else, including many commentators on here who are extremely sure of themselves. Let's see what the future holds.

A Clare’s Law request isn’t necessarily going to show you anything.

If you and he are so confident that what he did is fine with both parties, surely what needs to happen is a direct and documented exchange about it with his friend.

If he’s unwilling to do that, I would suggest that’s because he knows it’s not absolutely fine with both parties.

I really feel for you ending up being put in this position by him when these early stages are meant to be less complex.

I walked away from a relationship when something serious was flagged, I was worried I'd never meet someone I liked as much again, but it was the right thing to do and looking back 20 years later I am so relieved I did as even more came out of the woodwork.

I wish you well xx

When he turns out to be a twat please learn a very valuable lesson. When they show you who they are, listen.

Happy to see you got some critical thinking skills and not judging him without understanding motivation and context. I do think he could be earnest and regretful but he might be a twat. Nobody could tell you- only the future will.

I don’t see why it’s worth the risk tbh. It’s early days, OP doesn’t need to be with someone who might turn out to be a twat.

My interpretation would be that he raped her and he’s worried you’re going to hear it from someone else. Even if she gave apparent verbal consent, if she was paralytic then he still exploited a woman unable to give informed consent. I would end it immediately. And I would suspect he’s massively sugarcoating the story.

Do a Claire’s Law request. It might disclose more info.

Oh just seen you have