New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

[Inengland]

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

It might be that he has felt guilty about this ever since and feels the need to "report" himself. People with very high morals who do something immoral tend to do this so I wouldn't say that you should dump him. Still do a Claires law just to be sure his story isn't more sordid than that.

You don't need to jump to conclusions though. He had sex with someone who couldn't consent.

Do you feel that her lack of consent somehow doesn't apply? This is question for you to ponder, not answer: do you think that having sex with a woman who could not consent is/was ok because she was drunk, or for any other reason?

This is the kind of thing I think I feel. It's fine to just shout 'rapist' but clearly there are degrees (just like there are degrees of murder and of all crimes). I wonder how many of the men we love have done similar things in the dim and distant past but just never mentioned them. More than none I suspect.

Too many red flags and too much drama OP.

Dump him.

I would be suspicious as to why he felt the need to disclose this.

I would assume there is more to that story and he is trying to pre-empt you hearing the details from someone else, or his ex deciding to report him, and is spinning the story to make himself look better and test your boundaries.

It's a bit of a weird story. If she asked for sex was she really too drunk to consent? If she's still friendly with him she probably thinks she was in a position to consent. Haven't most people had drunk sex? Wouldn't too drunk to consent be someone who couldn't verbally give consent and have the ability to object?

So he is around 42 now.

Is he divorced ?

as he must have a history of relationships at that age.

🤦‍♀️

wake up OP

Give your head a wobble OP.

Seriously, you are trying to grasp at straws to find excuses for this man.

Rape is rape. Choosing to have sex with a woman you know to be so drunk she does not know what she is doing anymore and is incapacitated is rape.

He’s offered it up to you, because there is worse. In the same way that men often confess to kissing someone else when they’ve actually slept with them.

He’s nervous because either you’re going to find out he’s in more trouble than you know; or he’s worried it’s going to come out soon.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONTINUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON

If he feels guilty he could tell a priest, therapist, the police. He chose to tell you. Strange that.

Also the varying degree thing is gross. He isnt less of a rapist because of the circumstance.

1000%

do you know for a fact that they are still friendly or is that what he has told you?

Any 'degree' of having sex with someone who can't consent is not ok with me.

I agree that many more men than we think have committed rape and sexual assault, but that shouldn't be used as a reason to decide that actually it's fine if he feels bad about it and has promised not to do it again.

It's BIG, it's RED & it's FLAG shaped....
RUN.

It just makes no sense.

If it was consensual and even initiated by her why would he even be thinking about it 15 years later? Let alone telling you about it?

According to him it was initiated by her but not consensual because she was so drunk.

From what he said he has just felt guilty about it for years because he knows it was wrong, and wanted to tell me because he wanted it out there. Why he wanted it out there I don't know. Maybe he thinks it's the worst thing he's ever done. Maybe he has done far worse and wants to test my boundaries. Maybe her version of events is different (although like I said she certainly seems friendly on the texts). I don't want to come to any conclusion and therefore don't want to either dump him or not dump him!

It's unusual for a man to be bothered about consent to the point where it is playing on his mind ever since. He would just re frame it another sexual encounter that she initiated

Would you feel safe if you got very drunk with this man?

Yeah, plenty of people have drunk sex willingly and never mention it again because there is no issue to mention.

The fact that the OP’s boyfriend is hanging onto this incident 15 years later and bringing it up voluntarily suggests that there was in fact more to it.

He did something terrible and is terrified you'll find out so he has totally minimised it.
When you eventually find out he has a rape conviction he will say well I did tell you I didnt try and hide it.

She was very drunk and he was sober. Does that count as drunken sex? Plenty of the posters on this thread consider it rape. She may well have seen it as consensual, and according to him she's never mentioned it again. This is why it's confusing. Some people seem to be 1000% certain he's a rapist, others are like 'No issue' and the whole thing of him telling me is weird.

He’s a rapist OP it’s a bit more than “poor sexual behaviour”.

☝this

A decent man would have laid her on her side on the sofa, put a blanket over her, and a bucket on the floor. Then left. He's not a decent man, OP. End it.

I hate the casual, uninformed jump to Clare’s law in completely inappropriate situations on here…..
but you really need a disclosure request about this man. If you then choose to downplay or excuse what is revealed that is up to you, he is only telling you for a reason