New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

[Inengland]

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

In your shoes I think I'd ask him more why he felt the need to tell you, and see if any more info comes up. Maybe get him to tell you again and see if the details add up / are the same. I don't think what he's told you if true means he is a rapist, it's just very strange.

You’d be amazed at the criminal records people have OP. You can work in CS with a record and in fact they don’t even ask about a CR until after the job offer unless you need specific security clearance (see ban the box).

Some of these responses are wild.

They’d had sex before, she was drunk and she said she wanted to have sex with him again. He did and they remain on good terms.

Hes right not to feel proud of himself and I think it’s odd he bought it up but to suggest he raped her is absurd. I’ve had sex with boyfriends when I’ve been drunk and they’ve been sober. I wasn’t raped.

Have you googled him OP to see if anything comes up?

Tooooo many questions here:

1. how did the conversation go to "oh btw I just wanted to put it out there that this kind of maybe rape happened"?

2. what made you ask to read texts from her?

2.5) and what made that an appropriate request? ...whether what he did was ok or not ok, how did that lead to to wanting to assess their relationship/contact level and him being ok with that?

3. even if she would say it wasn't rape, would you be grossed out that he would have sex with someone that drunk when he was sober?

4. any other signs that he is a psycho who is trying to disarm you?

5. if he's a highly moral guy who genuinely holds shame for this thing despite it being 'not that bad', the guy is still focusing on an interaction with another woman he had 15 years ago. and using you as some sort of pseudo-priest to confess to. has he had this conversation with every woman he has dated since? is he able to perform in bed or is he hung up on this bad deed? (ick)

6. you said somewhere he wished he had been 'stronger' - does this not enrage you and give you the ick? doesn't take strength to not have sex with someone absolutely drunk. Gross.

in my humble opinion, this guy needs to be thrown back in the sea at great speed.

But why mention it then if it's nothing?

We're saying dump him either way because SAing someone is bad, whether you're honest about it or not, it remains bad and makes you unsafe to be around.

Technically standards have changed in recent years and it’s now agreed upon that drunk people cannot consent.

Of course even then if she was utterly shit faced then it would still not have been ok back then.

But you are focusing on the wrong thing. The issue is, why would you tell other people about that out of the blue? If you believe you took advantage of someone but they forgave you for it, you still shouldn’t be telling people about it because that is hurtful to spread around. Would you want people knowing someone took advantage of you when you were drunk? It’s pretty grim.

And why tell the new women you are dating that you have taken advantage of women before. That’s the shit abusive men do so that when they assault you they can say“oh well you said it wasn’t assault when I did it to that other woman so you’re overreacting now” etc...

I literally said ‘I think it’s weird he bought it up’. I’ve got no idea why he mentioned it. what I’m saying is, the ‘facts’ as they are presented do not make him a rapist. Obviously if he’s lying then any number of things might have occurred.

I've also had sex with boyfriends while drunk when they were sober, and that wasn't rape either, but that's not the situation here.

According to the information in the OP the woman in question was paralytic and unable to give consent. The fact that they had had sex before is irrelevant if she was paralytic and unable to consent.

What do you call sex when one party knows there is no consent?

I'm not denying that but it is up to OP how she feels about it. Very few of us are the same person as we were 15 years ago.

i don’t think standards have changed to the extent that I’d think someone had raped me in the situation the OP has described, if it happened today, assuming he’s telling the truth.

I'm not focusing on anything, I’m giving my view on whether I would consider this guy a rapist. Why he bought it up, I’ve got no idea.

This is bizarre behaviour for an average guy who possibly hasn’t a perfect track sexual history at 42 - we can all debate the ins/outs of the rape as described - but honestly it’s why he is telling you.

As I type this I’m just starting to wonder if he has some weird rape fetish and is introducing it to you - or worse hopes to rape you after you’ve had a few and wants your personal views on how you define rape.

I’ve heard batshit stuff from dates - but I’ve also heard them telling me who they are and then stupidly I’ve not believed it - fortunately (though that lesson didn’t feel like it at the time) it was around how they’d been caught cheating years back - funny stories and they’d obviously not done it since 👀 - I missed they were saying I’ve always been a big fat cheat and I always will be.

It’s strange - but useful - guys do this. He’s telling you he’s a rapist - and these are actually his words, his descriptor, not even hers -though it is often only when the woman says it out loud that too many guys appear to realise it was actively rape. So why has he put that on himself? He likes what he did and will do it again imo. And it’s not just this lady. Run before it’s you is my suggestion.

Honestly, I don’t know why you would even consider carrying this on.
He is a rapist. He had sex with someone (supposedly a friend) who he knew couldn’t consent.
Run. As fast and as far as you can.

This.... run OP

She never mentioned it again screams to me that she doesn’t even remember it happening more than she was just fine with it. And if that is the case, he absolutely raped her.
Why on earth would he even mention this? it’s just completely absurd and seems a way of alleviating his guilt by telling you half truths.

If she was as drunk as you say, it is possible she doesn't remember what happened. She might have initiated sex whilst blind drunk, that doesn't make it consensual when he was sober. The fact she's never mentioned it and has remained friends could be because she doesn't know what happened.

Or she does remember; as they had a FWB relationship (allegedly), it wasn't a big deal for her.

I obviously don't know what really happened, but more importantly neither do you. As you say, the whole thing of him telling you is weird.

I would strongly urge you to dig deeper. Claire's Law is there for a reason, please utilise it. It might save you future heartache, or worse, or it might put your mind somewhat at ease.

If this is the case, in the very best case scenario, the OP is dating a man who can obsess over something “absurd” for more than a decade, overshare about it in the earliest stages of a relationship, and put someone who barely knows him in the position, as a previous poster succinctly said, of trying to determine whether she’s dating a rapist or not.

ETA Whoops deleted quote, that was to @gotmyselfintoapickle

These are the exact words I was looking for. The is it / isnt it is a case that a UK court would struggle to decide on rightly or wrongly but why tell OP 3 weeks in is incredibly strange. I genuinley can not think of any good reason to drop this on op that is not nefarious.

So who decides whether you (whilst drunk) can give consent, but this girl (who’s paralytic) can’t? Do we need a breathalyser to establish where drunk stops and paralytic begins? Or could they be one and the same depending on your perspective?

I agree with @TomHanksIsMyHero and other PP who have said things were different in the past.

If you could say “yes” it counted as consent, even if you were drunk - certainly morally at least. The “informed” element of consent was largely absent.

So on that basis, IF what he says is true, then I wouldn’t be inclined to give him a hard time, especially as the sex was with someone who he’d been having frequent sexual relations with.

The problem is that as many other PP have pointed out, why on earth would he tell you now?

Yes, one theory could be that he’s such a morally upstanding person he didn’t feel right not telling you. I think this is unlikely, especially so soon - why risk jeopardising a brand new relationship over something inconsequential that happened 15 years ago??

The other possibility is that there’s more to this and I hate to say it, but this would be my instinct. It would explain why he brought it up - to get his side in first….

Are you considering doing a Clare’s Law request? I really think if you are considering continuing the relationship, this is absolutely essential. Do you know how to do it? It’s really straightforward and he doesn’t need to know (if you’re worried about that….).

A clean DBS record means a person doesn't have a conviction for a criminal offence. Doesn't mean they haven't committed an offence.

I wonder why he felt compelled to tell you? It makes me wonder if there is more to it and he's just testing the waters. Only he knows how intoxicated she was (is he trying to tell you she passed put before/ during and he carried on?). Does she even know/ remember?

But on the other hand... I have (back when I used to really drink) been very intoxicated (and horny) and had asked for / initiated sex with a partner /fwb who has obliged... I wouldn't describe it as non-consensual sex, just very drunk sex.

Using the tea analogy, if I'm drunk and I asked for tea and they make me tea and I drink the tea (even if I can't remember the next day!)... have they done anything wrong?

TBH if someone sober had sex with me in a state they described as “paralytic” at the time, I would see it as rape regardless of what I supposedly consented to.

A sober person can tell the difference between someone who is drunk enough to be a bit disinhibited but still sufficiently aware and in control of what they’re doing to give meaningful consent, and someone who is off their face, struggling with motor function, slurring their speech and not making full sense, nodding off, behaving out of character, etc.

OP - he’s told you something that could be entirely fabricated, partly true or wholly true. What he told you isn’t good, is it? He wouldn’t caveat it with its bad etc if he thought (if it happened with this woman or another or anyone at all) it was “fine back in the enormous amount of time 15 years ago is (not)”.
Either you accept he’s telling you this story for a bad reason.. e.g. more is coming out / there’s a history there/ a fantasy or he’s just coming clean to you because he doesn’t have a counsellor;is that your next role to him??).
At the very least I’d say be very very cautious…