New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

[Inengland]

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

He had sex with a drunk woman

id do a Clare's and saras law back ground check

Why did he tell you and why he felt guilty? People do have sex when they are pissed. that happens all the time. Unless you mean she was out cold, as in unconscious? That would freak me out.

I dont understand - she asked to have sex, so why he thinks she was unable to consent? Ok, she ws pissed, but in my experience I can be very drunk but still aware of what is going on? How could he tell if she was too drunk? I get it if a woman is out cold, but if she is able to talk and seems aware of her surroundings, surely its ok?

Men don’t tell women negatives things about themselves unless they get something out of it so I’d agree with previous posters its probably worse or he’s setting you up to see what behaviour you find acceptable.

Its doomed anyway you look at it.

Your bf of a few weeks has admitted to you he took advantage of a woman who in his own words was ‘paralytic drunk’ - someone who is extremely drunk, to the point of being unable to stand or function normally.

He also admitted to you that she ‘apparently’ asked him to have sex with her, yet despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did it anyway.

Now I’m unsure how someone paralytic drunk unable to stand or function normally would manage to ask for sex or even want it. And I certainly don’t want to know any man that would take advantage in that situation.

Let’s be honest here, your bf is a rapist. No matter how you or he wants to colour it, that’s what he is. If you’re happy to continue to date a rapist, then you go for it. Just don’t pretend he’s a good guy, because he’s not. It doesn’t matter if it happened 10, 15 or 20 years ago. A rapist is a rapist and he’s so far got away with it!

I am a firm believer in people's capacity to change. My brother from 15 years ago and now are two different people.

Like others , I would be wary. However I wouldn't discard the relationship without finding out more. Asking for Claire's law disclosure seems like a very good idea

Thank you for the update @Inengland I'm glad you've reached a decision as to what to do.

I think I'd have reached the same conclusion personally. Drunk consent was consent in 2010... It's much more debated now.

As he and the women still get on, it appears to have been an evening that she doesn't consider an issue to her. I think that is your plumbline for judgement here.

All the best with the relationship - i hope his openness and honesty so early on are a green flag for your future together.

I think it is an excuse to say that in 2010 it was more acceptable to have sex with a paralytic woman than it is now hence his admission.

he obviously remembers the incident now some years later (and must’ve continued to think about it during those years) which I think means at the time he must’ve known it wasn’t right.

Why should men need to be told that having sex with a woman who cannot properly consent should not happen. It shouldn’t happen in 2010 or now. It’s an excuse to say it is more discussed now and accepted as being wrong.

and the woman still being friendly with him now - oh well that is a sign clearly she wasn’t raped. We all know in 2026 that victims deal with abuse and rape in different ways and perhaps she can’t remember it happened or what happened or perhaps she didn’t want to admit to herself she had been raped and easiest way to deal with it is to remain friendly.

we all know accusing someone of rape usually blows the victims life up and they are blamed.

i would not have a relationship with this person and certainly not kids with them - they are at best morally reprehensible if not a rapist

What a waste of police time and resources doing a Claire’s Law request on a man you’ve dated a few weeks. If you have doubts like this a few weeks in then dump and move on.

Does she even remember it happening I wonder? If she was that drunk, and they’ve not spoken about it, yet still in contact…. 🤷‍♀️

@Inengland any update about the guy you've been dating?

It’s not a house survey, there is no ‘full report’

they will tell you only if the threat to your safety outweighs his right to privacy
if there is anything to share it’s verbal, no written report
were you not told this?

I too would be very very suspicious about this. If he said it in contect eg you were drunk and asked him to sleep with you and he said - sorry no, because I previously had XYZ experience- that would be more understandable. Saying it out of the blue is very dodgy. I would throw him back.

Thank you for the update OP. I think Clare’s Law is a good idea, it often is anyhow. But please don’t let it set your mind completely at rest if there’s nothing - so much goes unreported or withdrawn.

However, I do think it’s equally as likely he gets off on rape fantasies to the point he could plan to carry similar out with you- you’ve had the first mildish, I’m a good boy, one.

I don’t know the guy, you’re right, but you have posted for opinions and these on here have been mine - I know they could be right or wrong. Bottom line Imo is that to do this is so bizarre that I can’t imagine any good reason. Even if I’m all wrong and he just has an absolutely massive conscience that requires him to tell every date - well I’d find this troubling too tbh.

I hope everything works out for you though @Inengland