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Original poster

New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

283 replies

Inengland · 22/08/2026 20:29

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

OP posts:
bitontheobtuse · 22/08/2026 21:03

You only have his word for any of it. How do you know she's still friends with him - have you met her?

Original poster
Inengland · 22/08/2026 21:04

LlynTegid · 22/08/2026 21:02

I think one thing that would be in my mind was how old he was at the time, and the age of the woman concerned.

I agree about a Claire's law referral, better still ending the relationship. I expect there is more crime in the bedroom not admitted to.

I actually asked how old she was. He would have been 28 at the time and she was 32 then. They were colleagues in the same team (at the same level).

OP posts:
DustyMaiden · 22/08/2026 21:06

If she proactively asked him to have sex. And she has never suggested anything was wrong. It was 15 years ago. I can’t understand why he would feel the need to mention it. There is definitely more to it.

YesIReallyDidOK · 22/08/2026 21:06

Inengland · 22/08/2026 20:58

Well it was less than 24hrs ago and I have been thinking about it ever since. I didn't immediately dump him that second but I still might! It's not that I automatically believe him, I just don't automatically disbelieve him. Obviously it's impossible to know how other people feel but it is a fact that she is still friendly with him and nothing has happened about it in the decade and a half since it happened.

Show quote history

So you believe that he had sex with someone who couldn't consent. What is there to disbelieve?

Do you actually know her, and know that they are friendly acquaintances? Do you understand she may not remember correctly, if at all?

The crux of it is do you think it's ok to have sex with a woman who can't consent, simply because she is drunk?

Original poster
Inengland · 22/08/2026 21:06

bitontheobtuse · 22/08/2026 21:03

You only have his word for any of it. How do you know she's still friends with him - have you met her?

I asked this as well! I haven't met her but he hasn't seen her himself for a few years since she moved away with her now-husband. But they text and are FB friends. I asked to read the texts and they seem friendly - about football mainly, and birthday and Christmas greetings.

OP posts:
PerdreLeBleu · 22/08/2026 21:06

TomHanksIsMyHero · 22/08/2026 21:02

This won’t go down well, I have my hard hat on but…

I do think it was different times 15 years ago, wrongly so, but I think this was quite acceptable back then.

I was late teens then, it was only not consent if you were actually saying no, sexual harassment on nights out was deemed okay and there was a huge lad culture.

I am not saying it was right but I wonder if he’s now been educated on the error of his ways and, rightly, regrets his actions.

So why has he mentioned it then? There is definitely something more to this.

Original poster
Inengland · 22/08/2026 21:07

DustyMaiden · 22/08/2026 21:06

If she proactively asked him to have sex. And she has never suggested anything was wrong. It was 15 years ago. I can’t understand why he would feel the need to mention it. There is definitely more to it.

He said he wanted to be honest and had always felt ashamed of it because he should have been stronger.

OP posts:
CaptainWidepant · 22/08/2026 21:08

He’s telling you to test your boundaries OP. Run, don’t walk 🚩🚩🚩

TY78910 · 22/08/2026 21:08

In all honesty most men would not feel bad about that if the other party never mentioned it again and they were friendly afterwards. They would just obliviously go about their lives thinking it was consensual. Something tells me the woman is not okay with it and he’s trying to get ahead of the curve.

CaptainWidepant · 22/08/2026 21:09

TY78910 · 22/08/2026 21:08

In all honesty most men would not feel bad about that if the other party never mentioned it again and they were friendly afterwards. They would just obliviously go about their lives thinking it was consensual. Something tells me the woman is not okay with it and he’s trying to get ahead of the curve.

Totally this.

ETA: there are loads of men out there who haven’t committed rape - lose this creep and date one of them instead.

TY78910 · 22/08/2026 21:09

Adding that a Claire’s law disclosure should help you with unpacking this.

Nousernameideaaga · 22/08/2026 21:09

OP If you remove the language he used and he had stated it as plainly as

“I have raped a woman”

What would you do?

GarlicAnything · 22/08/2026 21:11

While I'm not fully agreeing with @TomHanksIsMyHero, I have initiated sex while very drunk and mostly carried on to intercourse.

I think it's great that awareness is improving, though it's still work in progress. From one perspective, it's kind of nice that OP's boyfriend has understood he was wrong.

BUT - and it's a very big but - WHY would he tell you about it? I'm afraid the most likely answer is one of the not so nice potentials above.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/08/2026 21:12

Why did he decide to tell you
what would he gain from doing this

has he told all his previous girlfriends ?

ALittleRoundCat · 22/08/2026 21:12

Its his guilty conscience.

If she really DID ask him for sex why would he even be telling you?

Has he told you about every other time je had consenual sex?

Or just the one time he has sex 'consensually' with a woman who was blind drunk.

I'm guessing she has never mentioned it and they are still acquaintances because she doesn't remember him raping her.

And he wants to get his side across incase she ever remembers and speaks out.

Original poster
Inengland · 22/08/2026 21:14

YesIReallyDidOK · 22/08/2026 21:06

So you believe that he had sex with someone who couldn't consent. What is there to disbelieve?

Do you actually know her, and know that they are friendly acquaintances? Do you understand she may not remember correctly, if at all?

The crux of it is do you think it's ok to have sex with a woman who can't consent, simply because she is drunk?

Edited
Show quote history

I could have disbelieved him and thought that she had actually mentioned it since, or hadn't been the one who suggested sex on the night in question. I don't know whether it's true or not.

I don't believe that the crux of it is what you suggest. I think that the crux of it is whether that particular incident and this particular man are concerning. One interpretation could be that he took cunning advantage of a paralytic, vulnerable woman and is now confessing to get ahead of the game. Another is that he was asked to have sex with someone, did even though she was drunk and he wasn't, and feels so guilty about it that he wants to get it off his chest even though she still considers them mates and has never herself raised it.

I dont get how anyone can jump to either conclusion.

OP posts:
CamillaMcCauley · 22/08/2026 21:16

I feel that if someone was truly ashamed and felt they had learned from an experience like this, and they also truly believed the other person was completely fine about it, they would just take the lesson and go forward in life, grateful that there was no further fallout.

The fact that he’s telling you about it says there is something unresolved.

PiggieWig · 22/08/2026 21:17

This is very odd. He’s got some kind of motive in telling you this. He’s basically making excuses (she asked me to) and trying to show you what a good guy he is because he ‘feels bad’.
Such a weird thing to bring up so many years later.
I agree he’s testing your boundaries and also possibly getting his story in first.
I don’t think I could overlook it.

Grasshopperhopping · 22/08/2026 21:17

Inengland · 22/08/2026 20:55

According to him it wasn't silence. She proactively asked him to have sex with her. But yes, she was drunk.

Show quote history

But she didn’t consent. You said in your OP he told you “despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway”

That is rape. Why do you think he feels guilty if it wasn’t rape

Baffled why you didn’t immediately end things.

Rondayvu · 22/08/2026 21:19

100% Claires law. Theres more to this for sure.

Millie2008 · 22/08/2026 21:19

JustAnotherWhinger · 22/08/2026 20:35

My first instinct with that is “why did he tell you?”

The only man I’ve ever known to seem like he was voluntarily giving information about poor behaviour sexually was actually trying to protect himself when people found out he had convictions for his behaviour.

To be blunt - having sex with someone unable to consent is raping them. He’s told you, early doors, that he’s a rapist.

What does he have to gain from that and why has he told you? Is it so that convictions or allegations getting to you he can say “I already told you?” Or because if you Clares law him it’ll come up? Or if he does it to you he can say “I warned you”.

Was thinking exactly the same thing

Nousernameideaaga · 22/08/2026 21:19

Inengland · 22/08/2026 21:14

I could have disbelieved him and thought that she had actually mentioned it since, or hadn't been the one who suggested sex on the night in question. I don't know whether it's true or not.

I don't believe that the crux of it is what you suggest. I think that the crux of it is whether that particular incident and this particular man are concerning. One interpretation could be that he took cunning advantage of a paralytic, vulnerable woman and is now confessing to get ahead of the game. Another is that he was asked to have sex with someone, did even though she was drunk and he wasn't, and feels so guilty about it that he wants to get it off his chest even though she still considers them mates and has never herself raised it.

I dont get how anyone can jump to either conclusion.

Show quote history

But there is only one conclusion that can logically be reached

She couldn’t consent to sex because she was intoxicated . And he had sex with her anyway.

That is rape

Whether he feels guilty about it now is neither here nor there

Original poster
Inengland · 22/08/2026 21:20

Grasshopperhopping · 22/08/2026 21:17

But she didn’t consent. You said in your OP he told you “despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway”

That is rape. Why do you think he feels guilty if it wasn’t rape

Baffled why you didn’t immediately end things.

Show quote history

If what he said was true then it is the case that she asked him to have sex with her whilst being drunk. I inferred that she was therefore incapable of giving informed consent. He obviously infers the same thing now, hence 'being ashamed' and wanting to tell me so.

OP posts:
bittertwisted · 22/08/2026 21:21

Exactly ‘why did he tell you’
he’s preparing the scene for the bigger picture

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/08/2026 21:24

' being ashamed ' for 15 years - bollocks !!!