Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

283 replies

Inengland · 22/08/2026 20:29

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

OP posts:
pregq · 22/08/2026 22:13

OP what are you normally like with men?
Are you perhaps someone who doesn't get much attention so you're considering yourself lucky you've now got him?

I am concerned that you are quite naïve and he's either pushing your boundaries or 'getting in there first'.

I doubt this incident even occurred with the woman he spoke to you about and in fact it was with a completely different woman but since he has been 'honest' with you about this woman, he hopes that you'll believe him about the next one.

Hellohelga · 22/08/2026 22:13

If I dated a guy three weeks and he came out with this I’d run a mile. You barely know him and he’s put you in the position of having to decide if he’s a rapist.

category12 · 22/08/2026 22:14

Personally I think he's letting you know what to expect. He's testing your boundaries, seeing how weak they are, how much you'll overlook and justify.

After all, if he's told you what he's capable of, if you keep seeing him, you're inviting that into your life.

YesIReallyDidOK · 22/08/2026 22:14

Inengland · 22/08/2026 21:51

I feel more confused now than I did before. The four replies immediately before me typing this were Definitely A Rapist 2-2 Probably Actually Fine.

Why are you confused? You are an adult and you shouldn't need other people to validate or explain the definition of consent.

Do you think having sex with someone who can't consent is ok?

ComputerBleaker · 22/08/2026 22:15

3 weeks? I think he's a manipulator or a Walter Mitty character trying to fill your head with nonsense.

He wants you thinking and worrying about this and off-balance. It's not her you should be worrying about its yourself.

I honestly would doubt every single detail of this story... She may be just a colleague or a casual acquaintance married to one of his mates. Who intentionally brings up sex stuff from 15 years ago?

Just block him.

ThatJadeLion · 22/08/2026 22:15

So many red flags. Please be on your guard. Better still, leave and don't look back.

AzureCats · 22/08/2026 22:15

The poster that says he's gauging how much bullshit you'll tolerate is absolutely correct.
There's no innocent reason why he's telling you this now. Get out whilst you still can.

JesseDavisGonnaHangOnInThereNSoul · 22/08/2026 22:17

I've been offered sex in that scenario,I turned her down as I didnt want to not on those terms or circumstances .it woulve been so wrong.

Lindaahuume · 22/08/2026 22:19

He could also be fantasising or soft launching the idea of doing this with you.

Piknik · 22/08/2026 22:21

Claire's Law at the VERY LEAST

Unless he is some sort of Born Again Christian who is constantly full of angst, this is not the sort of thing you would share in a very new relationship, just to 'get it out there'.

I am with the majority - there are lots of shit reasons why he would tell you:

He has actual form for sexual assault so is planting a seed so that it if it ever came up he can go wide eyed and say "Oh my God - this is the thing I told you about, I can't BELIEVE she reported it!"

Or he has a reputation for being a bit rapey and is trying to guage how you are going to respond to hearing stuff like that about him.

Or he is testing YOUR sexual boundaries

Did he use the word 'rape'? Is he owning what he did as rape?

Frostynoman · 22/08/2026 22:23

Perhaps she doesn’t remember.

Perhaps she’s blocked it from her mind.

Perhaps she feels she put herself in a vulnerable position and had no come back (perhaps blaming herself) and never wanted to mention it again (this is not her fault - she trusted your guy to get her home safe)

She didn’t have the capacity to consent: this is rape.

Also, him saying he was too weak to resist really gives me red flags - he’s not taking responsibility here.

Anyahyacinth · 22/08/2026 22:23

NoArmaniNoPunani · 22/08/2026 20:39

He's telling you so he can gauge what you'll accept in a relationship

Yep this is what I think too. I wouldnt want to accept a beverage of any kind from this man.
What decent person enjoys sex with an unresponsive person? The answer is one you know OP

pregq · 22/08/2026 22:24

He has actual form for sexual assault so is planting a seed so that it if it ever came up he can go wide eyed and say "Oh my God - this is the thing I told you about, I can't BELIEVE she reported it!"

Yes or if someone else reports him - "why would I do that when you know how guilty I have felt for 15 years over the other woman that I am still good friends with" / "you know I would tell you the truth as I told you about the other women".

Anendlessseriesofunfortunateevents · 22/08/2026 22:27

This is all kinds of disturbing.

I would not continue any sort of contact with this person.

He's told you he raped someone!

There's no good reason to tell you this.

He could be gauging your boundaries.

He could be covering himself for if you hear about rumours or allegations.

He could be hoping you also share something deeply shameful or personal that he can hold against you in the future.

But regardless of anything else. He's told you what he did. And it's not classed as consensual sex. It's classed as rape.

Surely that's a deal breaker?!
If it's not I think you need to ask yourself why it's not because that would be a very concerning relationship dynamic.

YesIReallyDidOK · 22/08/2026 22:29

pregq · 22/08/2026 22:24

He has actual form for sexual assault so is planting a seed so that it if it ever came up he can go wide eyed and say "Oh my God - this is the thing I told you about, I can't BELIEVE she reported it!"

Yes or if someone else reports him - "why would I do that when you know how guilty I have felt for 15 years over the other woman that I am still good friends with" / "you know I would tell you the truth as I told you about the other women".

EXACTLY.

And you'll probably be back here then complaining about being confused because it's 'complicated' because that's not what he told you what happened and subtly blaming her.

UnintentionalArcher · 22/08/2026 22:29

FullOfNoises · 22/08/2026 20:33

I would suspect there may probably be far more to it than what he says and he's trying to get his side in before you hear the rest from anyone else.

I agree. I had a new partner tell me about an incident along similar general lines, and this was in order to minimise it so that when I inevitably found out it was true (and worse than he had portrayed it to be) he hoped I would overlook it.

JLou08 · 22/08/2026 22:31

Inengland · 22/08/2026 21:42

She was very drunk and he was sober. Does that count as drunken sex? Plenty of the posters on this thread consider it rape. She may well have seen it as consensual, and according to him she's never mentioned it again. This is why it's confusing. Some people seem to be 1000% certain he's a rapist, others are like 'No issue' and the whole thing of him telling me is weird.

Show quote history

It's not rape the way he's told it, in his story it was her that asked for sex. Asking for sex doesn't indicate someone is unable to consent (unless underage) so I do think there's more to the story than he is telling you because him saying she asked for sex then saying she was too drunk to consent just doesn't add up. I'd bet most people who drink have had sex whilst drunk or with someone who is drunk without it being rape.

NameChangeAgain48 · 22/08/2026 22:34

Have you met his people?

SewYellowLikeButter · 22/08/2026 22:36

I’d think why was he telling me this after a few weeks…. What’s the motive beneath it? Then I’d do a Clare’s Law because I’d assume it was a fake story to see if you’ll accept it because worse skeletons lurk beneath

Nousernameideaaga · 22/08/2026 22:36

JLou08 · 22/08/2026 22:31

It's not rape the way he's told it, in his story it was her that asked for sex. Asking for sex doesn't indicate someone is unable to consent (unless underage) so I do think there's more to the story than he is telling you because him saying she asked for sex then saying she was too drunk to consent just doesn't add up. I'd bet most people who drink have had sex whilst drunk or with someone who is drunk without it being rape.

Show quote history

OP

YOU HAVE HAD TO COME ON THE INTERNET TO ASK STRANGERS WHETHER OR NOT THIS MAN IS A RAPIST

WAKE THE FUCK UP

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 22/08/2026 22:38

Obviously bad on his part but if he didn't tell you and you found out in a year's time everyone would tell you to dump him because he hasn't been honest. So he has been honest and posters are still saying dump him.
It depends how you feel. If you feel he raped his friend (which he did): then can you live with it? It was a long time ago, they are still friends and he was honest but he still committed a crime. How sure are you he's changed? Is it a deal breaker for you?

CamillaMcCauley · 22/08/2026 22:42

I wonder what story this man of integrity is going to tell his colleague about why he’s sharing her text messages with a chick he’s been seeing for a few weeks.

“I know it’s an invasion of your privacy Jessica, and I do feel ashamed about that, but I just need to prove to her that we are all good because I didn’t rape you in 2011. I mean - I didn’t rape you, right? Now seems as good a time as any to make sure we are on the same page on that.”

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 22/08/2026 22:43

This is confusing and unusual behaviour for sure. I can't think why he would have brought it up unless like a pp says he has some kind of intrusive thought issue about it.

I can imagine feeling guilty in his position having sex sober with a very drunk person even if there was consent.

Assuming she remembers, if there was no consent I would be very surprised if she still texted him. So that's a good sign IMO.

But to nervously bring it up with a very new partner is just weird. He's either neurotic or a bad 'un.

Sodthesystem · 22/08/2026 22:44

He’s not telling you because he has a guilty conscience babe.

Abusers test victims with stories like this. He’s testing to see if you will let this go. Then he knows he has you fooled.

watchingthishtread · 22/08/2026 22:45

If he really feels the type of remorse he is suggesting then he should be discussing this this her not with you.

I'm concerned that what he is actually doing is testing your boundaries.

There is definitely more to the story. It doesn't add up.