Partner kept a kink secret and now I feel misled

[Salmiacchew]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (less than a year). Things have been great and he’s been an amazing partner so I can’t complain (until now).

I found out now that he has a secret kink or affinity that he never even mentioned. It only came out when someone else alluded to it in my presence and I asked about it. He seemed embarrassed and said that he didn’t know how and when mention it yet. I let it go at the time but I’ve been thinking about it and getting quite angry.

The things that bother me is that he didn’t tell me about it and it hurts me, because it is clear that previous partners knew about it. It also makes me wonder if I even know him at all or what else he might be hiding, and I’m so mad at the thought that I might have wasted almost a year on someone who kept secrets.

And yes, I will be launching a Clare’s Law request just in case. I’m also considering contacting the person who flippantly made the remark/ joke in the first place to see if it aligns with what he told me. But I’m just mad right now. Things were going too well and I was wondering where the catch was.

Depends on what it is - but from the sounds of it, that someone else knew and made a joke it would already piss me off that it’s common knowledge but he never told you.

is this something they can or do solo or would it involve you? I’m wondering if there’s an expectation for you to participate or it’s a thing of their past?

You have been misled. And of course that feels horrible. Who’s the person who mentioned it and why do they know when he hasn’t told you in a year? Is it something he expects you to participate in?

A weird kink isn't usually something you'd mention in the first few months of a new relationship and what was he supposed to do. Just announce it out of the blue? Perhaps he didn't mention it because he didn't think you'd be in to it. I think you need to tell us what is though.

That depends what the kink is. There's a world of difference between him liking his partner to wear a french maid outfit and him enjoying being vacuum sealed in a rubber sleeping bag then hit in the face with a stiletto.

Also, how does this other person know about the kink, and feels brave enough to openly discuss it, when he hasn't told his girlfriend of a year? That's a bit strange and invasive.

In general, if you like him, just talk to him about it. If the kink is something you don't want and he can't live without you can break up, but it might be that his tastes have evolved.

I think a year is still a new relationship and you’re still opening up to eachother and learning about eachother at that stage. I don’t think it’s terrible he hasn’t told you, unless the ‘kink’ is something dodgy. This is why people should be so fast to move in together, introduce to kids etc after just months of dating.

If he has a kink that he hasn’t mentioned to you after almost a year, I think that’s very deceitful. It suggests it’s either something he planned to share with you when you’re so far ‘in’ you’re less likely to walk away, or he’s getting (or plans to get) that need met by someone who’s not you. I disagree with a previous poster that a weird kink isn’t something you mention early on. You absolutely should and - yes - risk the person walking away, as they have every right to do if it’s not their thing.

His ex wife. They were together for 10 years and remained good friends (which I love), but it made me feel like an outsider.

Is there a chance that she was quietly warning you about him?

Err she was definitely warning you! Not sure why the secrecy on an anonymous forum 🙄

It depends what this kink is - you could be massively overreacting or it could be a huge red flag. It's hard to say without knowing what it is.

Come on OP, what is it? How can we advise you if we don’t know,.

His kink is probably why she’s the ex wife. Sounds like she was warning you that there’s more to him than meets the eye.

So what is it? Why does it require a Claire’s Law request?

Maybe a schoolgirl kink or a choking kink. Either of those would make me feel suspicious.

Subject to what the kink is, I think a Clare’s Law request is a bit much. I would never put anyone off making one, but not because someone has a foot fetish.

Sorry but it’s very relevant information and without knowing what it is, it’s hard to advise.

I think this gives an indication of what kind of kink it is, tbh.

The comment about it in general company would sting for you. Either his ex is trying to warn you, or she's trying to put you in your place and deliberately exclude you. I wouldn't feel good about that either.

What's he said about it all since?

Totally depends on what the kink is. It could just be something he's embarrassed about, or something that's not a deal breaker/ important to him. I'm assuming it's much more serious but nobody can advise based on this limited information.

10 years is a little bit of a different time frame though. She could have found out much later on.

Either way can you at least give us a scale this kink is on? Are we talking call me daddy, orgies or dressing up as a puppy 😂

You obviously don’t need to share what it is. That his ex mentioned it and he hadn’t is plenty of info to know it smells very dodgy.

Is it more about feeling like an outsider than the actual not telling you about the kink?
Sometimes people do fear rejection if they come clean. He may, with getting to know you, thought that you may not be into it but he didn't want to lose you?

Maybe it WAS a kink but isn’t anymore. Tastes change.

Though as you are mentioning Claire’s law it makes me wonder if it’s a violence kink. That would be worrying.

Not even mentioning it after nearly a year of dating is not being open and transparent about what he enjoys sexually. This would be a big red flag. If it's choking/strangulation, I'd end the relationship immediately. Same with being cucked.

I think the wife was giving you a heads up.

I think so. He said that he didn’t think I’d like it so he kept it to himself as he didn’t want to ruin our relationship over. I just feel disappointed and somehow like an idiot.

How long ago did he split up with his ex-wife? Do you believe he has indulged in this kink with other partners or just her? I think you are bound to feel a bit of an outsider sometimes if he is still good friends with someone he was married to for 10 years. Would this kink be a deal breaker even if he'd told you 9 months ago?

I don't think you are an idiot, no way, he just didn't tell you something. I kind of understand not wanting to lose you, but he really should've let that decision come from you. It's unfair to keep something big from you, if it's still a big deal for him and it was unfair to find out the way you did. I hope you'll be ok whatever you chose to do.