Partner kept a kink secret and now I feel misled

[Salmiacchew]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (less than a year). Things have been great and he’s been an amazing partner so I can’t complain (until now).

I found out now that he has a secret kink or affinity that he never even mentioned. It only came out when someone else alluded to it in my presence and I asked about it. He seemed embarrassed and said that he didn’t know how and when mention it yet. I let it go at the time but I’ve been thinking about it and getting quite angry.

The things that bother me is that he didn’t tell me about it and it hurts me, because it is clear that previous partners knew about it. It also makes me wonder if I even know him at all or what else he might be hiding, and I’m so mad at the thought that I might have wasted almost a year on someone who kept secrets.

And yes, I will be launching a Clare’s Law request just in case. I’m also considering contacting the person who flippantly made the remark/ joke in the first place to see if it aligns with what he told me. But I’m just mad right now. Things were going too well and I was wondering where the catch was.

Thanks all. I have read all of the posts but stepped away because I also received some odd PMs, which made me rethink what I’ll share from now on.
Thank you ❤

Definitely report the PMs to Mumsnet so those users get banned. There are some creeps on here who get off on making women feel uncomfortable.

Nothing to report, just made me feel uneasy because they seemed to interested in details etc. I just blocked

Hm this isn’t great… sorry OP.

@Salmiacchew that’s a shame - hope it’s given you more clarity on what to do. It’s really unfair when men who do this are happy to exploit their partner’s desire to be in a relationship, their want to be reasonable & see the good in people & not be judgemental or intolerant. He’s counted on getting you invested & dependent to a degree in the relationship, so that should the small matter of him enjoying inflicting serious harm on women for sexual enjoyment happen to crop up, it will be far harder for you to end what is otherwise a near perfect relationship, just because you’re being a bit too vanilla about some “breath play”. I applaud you considering a Claire’s Law request, but it doesn’t truly address the core of the issue IMO. I’d also caution about kinks and sexual preferences. He says it’s only a side thing, he doesn’t need to rely on it to get off it’s all nice, minimal & compartmentalised. I’d say that is a lie too - it’s only that way out of necessity in the absence of any sane woman wanting to subject herself to that as part of their normal lives & relationship. So every time he’s having sex with you, is he likely fantasising about what truly gets him off? Recalling sadistic violent porn while with you? Are you really going to be able to trust him intimately or feel safe (not just literally) with him? Can you even like someone who enjoys humiliating & degrading women sexually? From what I understand when a “kink” is suppressed it only fuels the thrill, need to carry it out & engage in it (like an addiction) so what’s he doing that you don’t know about? And from what I understand it’s quite rare if someone has a fetish which is what this is, it’s usually the primary (& preferred) way that they can achieve arousal - so he may be gaslighting you into a place where in order to maintain the relationship, you’ll feel obligated to engage in just a little light “play”. Which will never be quite enough for him & only increase in severity. Good luck.

The one you need to block is your deviant, pervert boyfriend... from your life.

I'm not sure if @Salmiacchew is still reading this thread, but I saw it earlier and wanted to comment.

I realise that this probably feels overwhelming to you, so don't feel like you need to make a decision for anyone but yourself. MN can be overwhelming and put a lot of pressure on you so put it aside and just focus on what's important.

There has been some very good advice on this thread but it might be difficult to accept if you read these things about someone you care for and envisioned a future with. So let's break it down:

1. He has a fetish (let's not call it a kink because this is more than it) that scares you
2. He has misled you for months and only revealed this side once someone else forced him to do it.
3. He's been a good partner who has made you happy and given you no reason to worry.

Apart from the fact that you have been lied to for most of the trust building phase of your relationship, he has also revealed that his secret could put you in danger. The severity of his fetish will determine how far he is willing to go to meet his goal.
Many extreme sites will make their users submit their own material to add to the bank to qualify for membership instead of taking money only. This is probably the worst case scenario and unlikely but still something to keep in mind.

He has willingly misled you and pretended to be someone he is not. Don't underestimate this. I would be very wary of someone who managed to blindside me like this and it would make me wonder what else was him role playing as the perfect partner.

Whatever you decide to do: just keep these points in mind and be vigilant.

I stand by mine too, in 30+ years of being sexually active (aside from this relationship) I can probably count on one hand the number of times tying up (either way) has been part of the equation and never done spanking.

Did I enjoy it with this person, yes, not because of the pain aspect but because she was obviously enjoying it and it was making her happy. Her orgasms were more intense with hair pulling etc.. each to their own.

If I never partake in that again thats fine with me, but if I met someone else and they wanted the same I could go along if thats what they wanted. It does not mean I am going to beat up the next person I am with!