Partner kept a kink secret and now I feel misled

[Salmiacchew]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (less than a year). Things have been great and he’s been an amazing partner so I can’t complain (until now).

I found out now that he has a secret kink or affinity that he never even mentioned. It only came out when someone else alluded to it in my presence and I asked about it. He seemed embarrassed and said that he didn’t know how and when mention it yet. I let it go at the time but I’ve been thinking about it and getting quite angry.

The things that bother me is that he didn’t tell me about it and it hurts me, because it is clear that previous partners knew about it. It also makes me wonder if I even know him at all or what else he might be hiding, and I’m so mad at the thought that I might have wasted almost a year on someone who kept secrets.

And yes, I will be launching a Clare’s Law request just in case. I’m also considering contacting the person who flippantly made the remark/ joke in the first place to see if it aligns with what he told me. But I’m just mad right now. Things were going too well and I was wondering where the catch was.

Quite.

It’s a sexual sadism one. I thought it was clear from my previous response. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.
And no. He has not done anything drastic that made me wonder but it’s still shit not to mention it at all. And why anyone would be into this

It can’t be that much of an important “kink” if he hasn’t mentioned it in a year.

Generally I think “kinks” are something to laugh about and bond over. I also think they can develop and change over time and a lot depends on the situation between those involved.

Just because he used to do and enjoy something with his ex doesn’t mean he wants to do the same with you. I understand why it might make you feel left out but typically people have different sexual reactions to different people.

I don’t think you can expect a partner to give a definitive list of everything that turns them on and then give each item on the list a score for how horny it makes them.

Maybe it only kicks in when he starts feeling contemptuous of his partner. Right now he likes op but as the relationship progresses… if he’s the sort of person who has a sadistic streak it may only come out when the relationship is past its honeymoon stages. Which explains why the ex wife saw it rear its head but op hasn’t yet.

Maybe it was her kink. Many a woman, including myself have had to listen to drunken ramblings from Ex wives. It may have been him just trying to go along with a fantasy of hers. Who knows, unless you tell us what it is?

That’s not a kink.

Yeah no. Throw him back.

He’s a sexual sadist?? As in he likes hurting women??

then yeah I’d run, and don’t look back.

Yeah no it isn’t at least read the ops posts and don’t try to blame the woman,

I also think she was giving you a heads up/warning. Consensual sexual sadism with roleplaying? Safe words and all? Or does it go beyond that

yeah no it could be. She was with him 10 yrs. How about you read the OP dear.

That’d be a deal breaker for me . Take care OP incase he gets carried away

I don't agree fully with this post. I don't think most kinks develop in only one relationship and then disappear in all the rest, I think people may suppress or not mention things or not get such a thrill with one person as another, or know one person won't be up for it, but it doesn't mean their general preference is entirely different. I have a friend who was in a very standard sexual relationship with someone who had a long-standing domination relationship on the side (hidden). He only expressed it with the one person, but it didn't change his general taste and he went on to do similar with other women. My friend was pretty devastated when she found out.

An exception might be something like someone who was bisexual and into casual encounters til they settled down with one sex. I've seen that happen, but I've also seen this become a problem again later on.

I wouldn't touch this with a bargepole as it's not the type of kink I'd be interested in investigating and he hid it; plus what he's into is more extreme, tending towards violence and (potentially) crime in your opinion.

I get you must feel crestfallen, be doubting this whole thing, and puzzled as to why he's into this, but I think sometimes people are very good at compartmentalising. I expect full honesty, though, about what turns people on in the broadest sense. Her mentioning it is awful in every way.

It’s hard without knowing details. This is an anonymous thread so I gave no idea why people on MN keep things so vague.

sexually sadistic link to you might be Tuesday night for others

If a man can maintain a hard on by being sadistic towards a woman - he is not a good man.

Perhaps this 'kink' was between him and his ex only and not something he is interested in trying to bring into your relationship.
I wouldn't tell a partner about my bedroom activities with an ex. I think it's weird of his ex wife to talk about it tbh and I'd be asking her why she did that.

"Sexual Sadism"

Again though......there are levels. A bit of light spanking, or tying to the bed posts....a lot of people would have no problem with that, its not my thing but its not particularly unusual. Full on whips, chains, ball gags etc..... thats not great.

For all we know it might be spanking. As in the odd hand smack on the buttock. Something millions of couples enjoy.

I don’t understand why people are so vague on mn

one person’s kink might be millions of people’s vanilla

This

A year is a long time. I know from unfortunate experience that if he really does have a kink or fetish, it's basically akin to a sexual orientation or fixation.

Many men in that world realise that the chance they'll find a woman who is into the same things as them and is compatible with them in other ways is slim, so they resign themselves to either leading an emotionally unfulfilling life by prioritising their sexual needs, or finding a more regular partner who isn't into the same sexual things and finding their sexual outlet outside the relationship, in secret. That might be in person, or it could be via OnlyFans or just video calling each other.

This. If that's him, run OP.

Clare's Law is surely only used if abuse is suspected, not what goes on with consenting adults.

Whatever it is obviously doesn't bother him now. Could it be that she was the one who wanted to try it?

Speak to him about it.

I wouldn’t be happy in a relationship with a sexual sadist. I would be throwing him back and finding someone decent, without a hidden agenda.

So is it important to him or not?

Would he be happy never to do it again if you stayed together?

I think I'd always be on edge wondering if he was going to try to introduce it.

Can't stop laughing!!!