Partner kept a kink secret and now I feel misled

[Salmiacchew]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (less than a year). Things have been great and he’s been an amazing partner so I can’t complain (until now).

I found out now that he has a secret kink or affinity that he never even mentioned. It only came out when someone else alluded to it in my presence and I asked about it. He seemed embarrassed and said that he didn’t know how and when mention it yet. I let it go at the time but I’ve been thinking about it and getting quite angry.

The things that bother me is that he didn’t tell me about it and it hurts me, because it is clear that previous partners knew about it. It also makes me wonder if I even know him at all or what else he might be hiding, and I’m so mad at the thought that I might have wasted almost a year on someone who kept secrets.

And yes, I will be launching a Clare’s Law request just in case. I’m also considering contacting the person who flippantly made the remark/ joke in the first place to see if it aligns with what he told me. But I’m just mad right now. Things were going too well and I was wondering where the catch was.

Gosh, how awful that other people know about this. That’s a big concern and a massive turnoff in my book. Though now desperate to know what this kink actually is! Is it a kink or an old-fashioned perversion?

@TheSunBeatsDown I think there are often times where one half of the couple has a taste for something, and the other half indulges them and gets into it, because seeing them enjoying themselves gets them off. And they enjoy it, but it doesn’t become “their” kink.

I also think the term kink is loose and can mean a lot of things. Like someone on this thread said, it can be akin to a sexual orientation and a can’t live without. Or it can be a taste or a preference that they go through phases of fancying, until they don’t.

But a sexual relationship changes over time and the sex the OP is having after twelve months is going to be very different to the sex he was having with his ex after a decade.

Really hard to know what to say without knowing the specifics… there are levels.

It very much depends. Weird kinks can become the total focus of a mans life. If it's that sort of kink that now it's out in the open he'll expect to be indulged all the time then yes he should have told her early doors. If however, he would be cool with her saying she'll never want to do it or hear about it again then yeah fair enough, a year would be okay.

Still working my way through but a few thoughts at this stage.

Why has his ex brought it up? Even if they are cool, you don't discuss your sex life with their new partner, and in front of her new one too. It's a bit odd.

I'm hoping the kink has finally been said by the time I've arrived to this thread. All I know so far is it's something violent.
But is it a light bit of choking? 50 shades? Or something illegal (drugging, raping, kids).

Also I think if it's not a crime and it's just something he hasn't yet told you then I wouldn't deem it a secret. You've known him less than a year, you can't possibly know everything about him.
If it's something that's not illegal, and you aren't willing to give it a go and he's happy for you not to participate then I can't see the problem.

If he drugged his ex and raped her while she was passed out then surely you wouldn't all be having a nice drink together?!

This is 100% correct. There’s something wrong with this sort of man. I would be hot-footing it out of there.

At last!! Get rid now.

Something he wants inflicted on himself or he wants to inflict on others?

Consensual sexual sadism is about people enjoying inflicting pain on a WILLING recipient. Engaging in this doesn’t make it more likely that he would have committed a sexual assault so I’m unsure why you would need to do a Clare’s Law request.

If he hasn’t given you any red flags before now, then there is no concern. That being said, depending on what his kink means to him, and whether or not you would be willing to engage in it in a ‘safe and controlled’ way, you may be best splitting. If it doesn’t mean much to him then there need be no change in your relationship.

Mate you need to get away from a sexual sadist. As soon as possible. Also, if it’s a proper kink and he’s kept it quiet with you then he’s deffo getting it somewhere else.

I'm not sure what you are wanting from this thread. Two adults can consent to kinky sex no matter what it is. And the fact he isn't mentioning it or tried it with you doesn't automatically give red flags. If I am getting this right you have confronted him and he said he hasn't said or mentioned it to you as he didn't think you would like it?
So, his ex did, they were together 10yrs and still good friends. No red flags here I don't think

“PyongyangKipperbang · Today 21:37
"Sexual Sadism"
Again though......there are levels. A bit of light spanking, or tying to the bed posts....a lot of people would have no problem with that”

Also this:
“I'm not sure what you are wanting from this thread. Two adults can consent to kinky sex no matter what it is. And the fact he isn't mentioning it or tried it with you doesn't automatically give red flags. If I am getting this right you have confronted him and he said he hasn't said or mentioned it to you as he didn't think you would like it?
So, his ex did, they were together 10yrs and still good friends. No red flags here I don't think”

Largely this. DH and i have over the years engaged in some light BDSM - spanking and light whipping. It worked for us (though less our thing now). If it’s done properly (and proper BDSMers are very responsible), then it’s actually the sub who truly holds the power - the dom should do nothing to/with the sub that does not have the sub’s consent which can be withdrawn at any time. However, due to crappy/nasty phallocentric porn, a lot of men seem to think it just means roughness and violence.

All that said, it sounds like it’s very much not for you.

It also means he gets off on hurting women, the fact he find women who want to be hurt doesn’t change this, and it will always be there, that he would enjoy sex more if he could hurt her,

Do you mean he gets sexual satisfaction from physically or psychologically suffering of someone?
How do you feel about this paraphilia?

Lots of people have kinks, most people have kinks even if they never explore them. Some people are happy to not do them. Kinks are totally normal, and can be very fun if both people are consenting and enthusiastic. Consensual sexual sadism and/or machism is very common. But if you're not into it, don't do it. Don't feel pressured. You do not have to "give it a go" to make him happy. BDSM is 100% about consent, anyone who's good at it will make sure of that, and take things very very slowly. And it's not all about pain, at all. I personally wouldn't think he was weird or dangerous, but my BDSM experience has been with kind clever funny caring men & women. I've never had a bad time. But if it's not for you that's fine! There's plenty of kinks I wouldn't go anywhere near, due to my personal preference. And there are some kinks I think ARE dodgy (nappies, etc). Don't feel pressured, but maybe also don't be too put off? It may be worth an honest conversation. But not if you don't want to, of course.

To me it’s pretty reasonable that an ex of 10 years would know things you don’t. I don’t understand the Clare’s law request. Is it something dangerous or bordering on abuse?

Is it the reason him and his ex aren't together?
Surely if it was something that bad she wouldn't be friends with him still? Is she normal? Apart from talking about their sex life..

Gross that she did that to be honest. You’re being too trusting as far as she is concerned. She absolutely knew she shouldn’t discuss his and therefore their sexual life with his new partner unless she is mentally challenged. Also, we need to know what the kink is to know whether it was worth mentioning. I don’t want to be rude but it might be really tame, the Claire’s law thing suggests it’s not though. I know you don’t want to out yourself but you won’t get the honest answers you need unless you say what it is. If it’s something that he actually doesn’t want to partake in anymore (I assume you’re in a sexual relationship and he clearly hasn’t hinted at this before) then she actually has been very unfair to him as well! You may end a perfectly good relationship because of her. He may be more than happy with your sex life but perhaps theirs needed spicing up and so it went further than he wanted. I know when I was with a long term ex I did things that I wouldn’t do with my current partner because it had gone stale.

To me it sounds like his ex wife storing things up to annoy you, just because he had a kink in the past it doesn’t mean he still has it now or not enough to want it now, obviously as he hasn’t bought it up with you.

It’s such a broad kink. What exactly is it he is into? Tying up and spanking, using props, breath play?

Maybe it isn’t something that he needs to do just something he does enjoy.

For me, it reads like you feel something about the joke between him and his ex and being on the outside rather than the kink itself.
Having a kink like that doesn’t automatically means they beat their partners. If you feel the need to do a Clare’s law then I think you should split regardless.

His ex is warning you would be my guess
listen
trust your gut instinct
if you’re thinking of a Claire’s law you already have your doubts

What exactly is the link? And did his wife enjoy partaking in it?

People can have links that they’re quite happy not to indulge in if being with a partner who isn’t into it matters more to them thank the link itself.

What did the ex actually say? I can’t imagine casually remarking on an ex’s kink in front of his new gf (unless I deliberately wanted to stir things up!)

Sadism though thats very broad definition.
He obviously doesnt place that much of need on it or he would have brought it up with you. Its somehting he did with ex. Perhaps her kink too. He didnt think you would be into it so he didn't bring it up

I dont see what he did that was so wrong. People can change and want different sexual things with different partners

Surely it shows he is considerate of your needs instead of pushing a sexual agenda. Some people dont find their kinks enjoyable unless their partner is equally enjoying it

Your reaction- claires law and why would anyone be into it shows exactly why he didnt tell u

I feel bad for the guy to be honest. Ex-wife is a cow for bringing up stuff that goes on behind closed doors, he obviously trusted her at some point to share/ indulge in it with her.
People can and should share personal thoughts and feelings when they're comfortable. Just because someone has a fetish they are not necessarily compelled to act on said fantasy, and it doesn't always define their sexuality as a whole. He could be into an array of things that are equally as fulfilling.
Maybe he was actively trying not to engage in the acts anymore because he might have been shamed in the past? Wouldn't surprise me, based on ex-wife's behaviour.