Partner kept a kink secret and now I feel misled

[Salmiacchew]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (less than a year). Things have been great and he’s been an amazing partner so I can’t complain (until now).

I found out now that he has a secret kink or affinity that he never even mentioned. It only came out when someone else alluded to it in my presence and I asked about it. He seemed embarrassed and said that he didn’t know how and when mention it yet. I let it go at the time but I’ve been thinking about it and getting quite angry.

The things that bother me is that he didn’t tell me about it and it hurts me, because it is clear that previous partners knew about it. It also makes me wonder if I even know him at all or what else he might be hiding, and I’m so mad at the thought that I might have wasted almost a year on someone who kept secrets.

And yes, I will be launching a Clare’s Law request just in case. I’m also considering contacting the person who flippantly made the remark/ joke in the first place to see if it aligns with what he told me. But I’m just mad right now. Things were going too well and I was wondering where the catch was.

I’m confused OP. BDSM is consensual.

I assume you mean he likes non-consensual sadism otherwise what has Clare’s Law got to do with anything?

Im sorry. You’ve been put in a situation where you find out he’s not who you thought he was, and that he’s kept information from you that would have likely led to you walking away many months ago. I wonder if
that’s why you feel like an idiot, like you have wasted your time thinking he’d tell you the things you need to know? But you are not an idiot for trusting him when he didn’t give you cause to do anything otherwise.

OP you need to repost this IMO and put in the first post

• that the kink is sexual sadism,
• an example that shows how hardcore it is or isn’t (is it serious violence or a bit of spanking or whatever)
• whether you understand it to be a core part of his sexuality or just something he enjoys from time to time
• that the person who mentioned it is his ex-wife who he’s still good friends with

Replies are gonna be useless without all this info.

Kinks are REALLY difficult to talk about. It's not really the sort of thing you can casually bring up over coffee "So I've been meaning to tell you this and I think now is the right time: It really would drive me wild if I could smack your arse whilst I take you from behind, maybe a little bit of choking."

I mean the fact you're looking into Clare's Law makes me think it's probably on the slap & tickle end of things. Kinks invite judgement and very few people take them well. You disclose too early, you're a creep. You disclose too late, I don't know who you are.

Is it that weird? Does it change who he is? Is it a deal breaker for you?

Yes makes sense. I’ll try to structure it differently because i probably haven’t bee clear. Sorry

I agree with PPs . Unless you can say what it is and in what tone she used, will get you more of what you need to hear. As I can imagine it's made you feel a bit insecure.

How easy it was years ago! How wonderful!!!! He is a pervert? Run!!!! Fucking run. Now this embarrassing shit 'oh, my partner has a kink, oh, consensual BDSM' and all that crap. What have we become? How much time is left before every type of perversion becomes the norm if 'it is consensual' in our sick, perverted, vile society?
Why is it even discussed? Pervert? Bin! Run away! Don't discuss!

Also him and his wife were together for ten years and still mates so that’s a big old green flag if you ask me.

BUT you still haven’t said how bad it is, which makes a massive difference

I'm enjoying my popcorn on this one. The amount of reactive outrage based on sheer lack of understanding of kinks is breathtaking!

Kinks (including s&m, dom etc) can be held by either sex. They can also be suppressed without it affecting the relationship or wider sex-life within it. I've rejected some kinks that my partners have had, and they've rejected mine, but because we're both sexually mature it hasn't damaged the partnership.

At no point did I think Claire's Law would be my go to rather than having an adult conversation about it. It's very possible he has already assessed OP as not open to this kink and so it would never have come up. Or he was waiting for the right time to bring it up. But at no point do we know he would have forced this onto OP, or that he needs to enact this kink for his sex life and relationship to be fulfilling.

But I'm enjoying team vanilla trying to read so much into so little 😉

Why? You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Just because someone has a kink, that doesn't mean they HAVE to have it part of their sexual life to be happy.

If he's never ever expressed an interest in getting you into doing it then I don't think you can be pissed off.
I think lots of people like certain things but it doesn't mean they're obsessed or need it to get off. Or they they need to mention it to every partner.

The wife has humiliated you. He likes violence and you aremt sure to what extent hence needing to check.him out. amd he has lied to you by omission......get the hell out. He's bad news. He's manipulative and dishonest because he has not laid his cards on the table and allowed you to make a choice. He's lied to keep you. That's not good. It will only gwt worse .

God just No!
Imagine having kids with him?
Chuck this one back in the sea

If it’s this serious and you’re doing a Clare’s law on him then why are you still with him? I wouldn’t be.

Don't be pushed into disclosing more than you want to on this thread OP.

The key thing is: you expected him to mention it, he didn't. He's out drinking with his ex-wife who has a big mouth and is actively either warning you or getting into your relationship by bringing up their sex life. That's the opposite of a green flag to me.

For me, though, a year in is a pretty serious relationship, so the sexual direction of travel would already be established by then. Bit different if it were two months in or something.

If you have had a year together without this cropping up, it can’t be a big deal?

"sheer lack of understanding of kinks is breathtaking!"

I am sorry, but do we all have to understand as in 'to know' different types of shite in detail to know this is shite? Isn't it just enough to say 'shite' and run away? Or must we, like our children now, go to special sex education classes, to be 'enlightened'? Like they teach our kids to put condoms on bananas, what will they teach us in these classes, I wonder? Or, not 'wonder', but dread to think. I presume that they will be teaching us that 'love is love', even if one partner is beating the crap out of the other, provided it is consensual?

Stop patronising everyone. JFC

Anne Summers and Amazon sell sexy school girl outfits - that’s pretty mainstream, run of the mill, old as time fantasy rather than a kink isn’t it?

Mainstream? A kink about children? Eh…naw. Who tf are you dating lol.

But op replied to say it was sadism.

I reckon @CoffeeBotherer is a man. I’ve seen him post about sex before on here along similar lines.

God the usual cool girl popping up, telling OP smugly that she's not cool if she doesn't want any part of BDSM

Anyone who would ever raise his hand to a woman or treat her roughly in which ever context, including if she says she wants it, is persona non grata to me. I can only conclude that women who want this maltreatment and are aroused by it are the product of trauma from a dangerous patriarchal world, where their first sexual awakening was in this context. It's fucking weird. It's fucking off. And while it shouldn't be condemned, it also should NOT be normalised and presented as 'cool'.

Op doesn't like it, and a LOT of other people, probably the majority - men and women - don't like it either and want no part of it. That should be respected, as much as we respect your right to want to be tortured and humiliated with your consent.

Men are notorious for waiting until a woman relaxes and gets emotionally attached before they let their mask drop and the lizard man steps forward. This guy hid that he gets off on hurting women. It's manipulative, it's a bad sign.

Its very clear that there are a lot of posters on here who don't understand what BDSM is and how it is done within a respectful relationship, @Salmiacchew being one of them. I do, not because it is my thing (it isnt) but because my ex BIL and SIL were very much into that and SIL and I were very close and she told me about it. It was an eye opener for sure, not for what they do but how respectful it is. She has never ever felt forced or coerced into sex for example, whereas most women on here will say that they have at some point, if only to "shut him up".

The whole point, as others have said, is that the sub is the one truly in control. It isnt about "getting off on hurting women" its about "getting off on them getting off". So if the sub isnt enjoying it then there is no enjoyment for the dom. Its called "safe word" for a reason. "No" ALWAYS means no in a card carrying sub/dom relationship.

This kink that many couples happily participate in, in loving respectful LTR's, is not the red flag many people think it is!

Would I do it? No. But would I assume a man who brought it up with me in the context of our relationship was a pervy wrong 'un who needed looking into, also no! All it would mean to me is that we are mismatched sexually so would probably be better off looking elsewhere, and that is exactly what I think the OP should do. Her shock and disgust, compared to his ex thinking its funny and no biggie, suggests that long term this wont work out. No fault on either side, just a mismatch.

ETA....I dont believe that the OP has actually confirmed whether it is ManDom WomanSub. Very often it is the other way around (according to SIL, there were more men getting "punished" at the clubs they went to). I wonder what the reactions would be if she confirmed that he wanted her to hurt him.

But it's so easy to do with so many pearls being clutched and knee jerk reactions being typed up without any real world experience to back it up!

It's so easy to say no to someone's fetish, I've done it several times in the past. OP needs to have a discussion and not run to Claire's Law which is unlikely to tell her anything, unless the ex has said there was police involvement. In which case she doesn't need to ask anyone anything, she should just close the door on her way out.