Partner kept a kink secret and now I feel misled

[Salmiacchew]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (less than a year). Things have been great and he’s been an amazing partner so I can’t complain (until now).

I found out now that he has a secret kink or affinity that he never even mentioned. It only came out when someone else alluded to it in my presence and I asked about it. He seemed embarrassed and said that he didn’t know how and when mention it yet. I let it go at the time but I’ve been thinking about it and getting quite angry.

The things that bother me is that he didn’t tell me about it and it hurts me, because it is clear that previous partners knew about it. It also makes me wonder if I even know him at all or what else he might be hiding, and I’m so mad at the thought that I might have wasted almost a year on someone who kept secrets.

And yes, I will be launching a Clare’s Law request just in case. I’m also considering contacting the person who flippantly made the remark/ joke in the first place to see if it aligns with what he told me. But I’m just mad right now. Things were going too well and I was wondering where the catch was.

What is the kink?

Kinks are disgusting. Why can't men just be happy with normal sex?

Bringing pain that provides the receiver with sexual gratification is not hurting them.

If they are being hurt then it isn’t safe or consensual, it’s beating a broken woman.

I can't say for your partner, but as a couples therapist many people keep their kinks to themselves. He may have read that you wouldn't be understanding (and now that you know, you're not, but for a different reason that he may still read as kink shaming). Many people with kinks are ashamed to share them, so my red flag is that others know, but it could be he told one person amd word got around in his friend group and he's now regularly ribbed about it.

Exactly. I’m perpetually dismayed at how prudish MN is. That said it’s weird the ex brought it up isn’t it? Was it a warning? Anyway, we all need more details…

I had a boyfriend once who I dumped because he was so vanilla in bed.
Went to a party and was chatting to his ex who was really lovely.
She pushed my sleeves up and was surprised that I wasn't covered in bruises. Apparently he liked to bite her...hard. Suddenly vanilla seemed fine but he definitely remained an ex

I think it's more shocking that you believe you have the RIGHT to DEMAND to know every single thing about your partner in less than a year! People, no matter how much you love them and how committed you two are, can and should have the right to have private thoughts, private feelings, and private interests.

My only caveat? As long as those thoughts, feelings and proclivities don't put you, minor children, vulnerable seniors or disabled, or any adult who has not consented to participate in such activities in danger, then it's really not your business what his kinks are. Doesn't involve you. Doesn't hurt or help you. Doesn't cost you anything. There is no reason for you to be in your feelings about HIS little kinky thing.

Listening to ex-wives is not something you should do either. Their relationship is not your relationship. She ain't you. People grow, mature, and change due to life experiences, mistakes, accomplishments, milestones. The man you have is not the man that was married to her.

Step back and look at how you are reacting and why you think you are ENTITLED to know every single thing about your partner. This attitude is not very healthy. Instead give your partner the space and trust and belief in your understanding and acceptance that he feels safe to share things with you. Demanding is wholly inappropriate and controlling.

Ultimately, a person shouldn't want to be with someone who would be disgusted by their kink, and (if kinks are nothing to be ashamed of, as we so often hear) they shouldn't feel the need to hide said kink.

Everyone should be upfront about their sexual preferences either on their dating profile, or within the first three dates. Otherwise you're potentially just wasting each other's time.

Mature adults should be able to say, 'I like x, so I need it to be part of our sexual life at least occasionally; I also have engaged in and enjoy y but I'm not bothered if you're not into it, as I can take it or leave it; but I definitely don't like z, and wouldn't be willing to ever do it'.

I think the onus to ask/inform falls on the person who likes something that's unusual, or dislikes something that's usual - so if you like strangulation, you should tell your partner, and ditto if you hate oral sex.

Personally I'd ditch the guy, OP.

Just because mainstream retailers seek to make money out of making children sex objects doesn't make it right.
Quite disturbing if you take your yardstick of what is acceptable from Amazon and Ann Summers.

I can’t imagine staying with someone with a sadistic streak. You can call it a “kink”, but that’s what it is.

@LittlestBoho loving the vacuum seal stiletto scenario 😂

I agree with this

Dressing up the desire to hurt people during sex as a kink to make it acceptable doesn't hide the fact that a person enjoys being violent towards and inflicting pain on others. Why it should be acceptable during sex when it's not acceptable in other aspects of life is ridiculous .
And someone who professes to enjoy having pain inflicted on them needs psychological help, not some sadist exploiting their vulnerability.

If it is something he did with his-ex but has shown no inclination to do with you - maybe it was her kink rather than his?

Going against the grain here, but I would think it’s fairly understandable to want to keep something like this private as well. Maybe it isn’t something he’s looking to engage in with you, and what would be the relevance of such private thoughts in that case. He’s been with the ex for a long time and a lot can have changed as well. I really don’t think a new partner necessarily needs to know about this type of thing, if it doesn’t impact your relationship or you. And obviously isn’t something illegal.

I agree with @newusername4321. It sounds like it was the defining characteristic in his previous relationship, maybe one of the reasons why it ended, who knows. But you’ve dated him for a year and he hasn’t mentioned it so perhaps he decided it wouldn’t be a factor in this relationship.
Talk to him honestly about it.
BDSM is not some new fangled term, it’s been around since the start of time. It doesn’t mean he’s randomly going to go round hurting people or he is a psychopath. If it’s not for you, then that’s absolutely fine but not sure why the leap to Claire’s Law.

I disagree depending on how 'wedded' to the kink he is. If it's a non negotiable, then most people would mention it early on just to get it on the table as it were.

Being as he has not mentioned it in a year, it might be fading from his life and not worth mentioning.

The fact that it's joke worthy and other people know about it would make me feel very alienated. Likely a deal breaker for me to be honest, especially if you have to make a Clare's Law request. That's pretty hard core : /

Oh my... A violence/sadistic kink?? I'd be running for the hills. Could never be with a man who enjoys this, or even considers it.

I disagree. I think you're wasting your own and your dates' time if you conceal a potential deal breaker for months. A couple of weeks max and then you should say something.

Run. If it's something an ex felt they should mention to you, I will bet it was a large part of the breakdown in their marriage. Even if it came across all breezy, people don't mention things they were 100% ok with...

There's power play and then there is sadism....

Not ‘prudish’ to reject a man for having practiced violence/sadism in sex. Many would.

Violence she’s been told about of a level for OP to have been worried about him and consider a Claire’s Law request.

Op, can you clarify if he enjoys being sadistic towards women, or if he gets off on women being sadistic towards him.

I think it's NEVER ott to check Claire's Law with regard to a new boyfriend... That's the whole point!!! 🙄
So imo you're right to check-just to be on the safe side! Good luck whatever you decide 💐

Run from this man as far and fast as possible.
He didn't keep this a secret because he was embarrassed or ashamed he did it so you would hopefully fall fir him and then he could start to pressure you into allowing him to be violent towards you during sex.
He is not a good man he is a violent abuser. There are plenty of good men who dont get their rocks off by inflicting pain on their partners, ditch him for 1 of them.

I think if the kink has been described as sadism by the ex, it means he is the one who enjoys inflicting pain. Otherwise she would have called him a masochist.

Nothing wrong with vanilla, my friend.

It’s elegant and exclusive. It means you have a great connection with your partner.