Partner kept a kink secret and now I feel misled

[Salmiacchew]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (less than a year). Things have been great and he’s been an amazing partner so I can’t complain (until now).

I found out now that he has a secret kink or affinity that he never even mentioned. It only came out when someone else alluded to it in my presence and I asked about it. He seemed embarrassed and said that he didn’t know how and when mention it yet. I let it go at the time but I’ve been thinking about it and getting quite angry.

The things that bother me is that he didn’t tell me about it and it hurts me, because it is clear that previous partners knew about it. It also makes me wonder if I even know him at all or what else he might be hiding, and I’m so mad at the thought that I might have wasted almost a year on someone who kept secrets.

And yes, I will be launching a Clare’s Law request just in case. I’m also considering contacting the person who flippantly made the remark/ joke in the first place to see if it aligns with what he told me. But I’m just mad right now. Things were going too well and I was wondering where the catch was.

Therapy for @IrisPallida ? For not agreeing with kink jay ? In particular one that has led to several deaths with the outcome for some of “ah well she asked for it didn’t she? Well that’s what the guy who killed
her said..”

No for her overreaction to my question. I didn’t ask any to agree to anything. If you read my original question to the OP, you will see that she completely went off on a tangent.

Quoting my earlier post so I don’t have to repeat it here. To add, as someone who was briefly involved in the kink scene through an Ex, I absolutely hate the superior attitude many ‘kinksters’ have towards non-scene people. You can see it in some of the comments here, with the references to ‘pearl clutching’ and Mumsnet being oh so prudish and narrow-minded.

I find it interesting that for all the wanging on about ‘enthusiastic consent’ the immediate go to is often highly manipulative language that seeks to position others (typically women’s) perfectly reasonable sexual boundaries as ‘uncool’ and boring.

He gets off on witnessing other people’s pain or degradation

Am I going crazy here, or you are actually considering having a relationship with someone who enjoys witnessing someone being in pain, or degraded? I think you need help. Just the idea of being next to a guy who might enjoy this makes my skin crawl.

I agree. Either the OP is very gullible, very young, or has no idea what this means. Deviant pervert is a good definition here.

I don’t think OP is very gullible, young or clueless as is being suggested. This guy is a categorical liar & manipulator & she’s only just found out. He’s completely minimised his sexual deviance & concealed the severity to her, passing it off no doubt as power “play” & just a “kink”. She is being misled & thankfully (despite the weird dynamics) the ex wife has brought her into the horrible reality of things. I don’t think after reading the consensus on here & trusting her instincts, she’ll be hanging around.

I share your horror and disgust. Anyone who thinks "breathplay" - AKA STRANGLING - should be part of mainstream sexual activities should read

Structural brain morphology in young adult women who have been choked/strangled during sex: A whole‐brain surface morphometry study

"sexual choking events may be associated with neuroanatomical alteration"

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10454256/

Breath"PLAY" my arse. That's a fucking euphemism for causing brain damage and potentially DEATH to women so that YOU feel powerful.

This DANGEROUS shit should absolutely NOT be normalised.

And btw, being choked is THE indicator of an abusive man who goes on to murder his spouse.

He needs to be upfront and honest about his desires from day 1—that way women can make an informed decision on whether to start a relationship, and equally he can meet someone who has the same desires. Hiding it, then trying to coerce someone into it is not on. He needs to be actively seeking someone from the BDSM community, not trying to coerce vanillas.

I am so sorry to read of the brutality and horrors you experienced. Im glad he’s dead and I hope it was painful. OPs guy who only likes to watch would be one of the online or F2F evil cznts egging on your cznt to violate you. Just as guilty - it’s a team sport it seems. They are not lone rangers.

He's a sadist and he's hidden this really significant fact about himself from you for nearly a year. He admitted hiding it because he thought it would be a deal breaker early on.

I would end this relationship now because that in itself is him trying to manipulate you. How can you trust someone who hid something so significant about himself for this long? You can't. Manipulation and dishonesty are not qualities you see in a trustworthy partner.

He's a man who sexually gets aroused by a woman's pain. If he does something that hurts you during sex, you can never know whether it was accidental or deliberate. He says he enjoys watching violent porn, but how do you know it stops there? He's already kept something big from you. He's lied by omission. Do you want to be with a man you can never completely let your guard down with, that you never feel safe with? If what he enjoys involves choking/strangulation, don't fool yourself that there's any safe way to deprive the brain of oxygen. There is no such thing as safe strangling.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta - totally agree with you re. choking and I speak as someone who has engaged in light BDSM with my DH over the years.

It horrifies me that choking has been normalised (breath play, indeed) - it is incredibly dangerous to women; it causes brain damage even when not lethal. Men's hands should be nowhere near any woman's throat ever. I have talked to my young adult DDs about this and may reiterate the message.

Your boyfriend would have been sexually aroused by that poor poster being hurt and degraded by her ex.

That’s the kind of man he is. He is sexually aroused by the idea of women being abused (I say ‘the idea’ as someone will be along soon to accuse me of being ‘vanilla’ and tell me if they’re consenting then it’s totally fine).

The issue is that he is a man sexually excited by women being hurt, humiliated and abused. It is absolutely fair, healthy and reasonable for you to be so turned off and put off by that that you end the relationship.

@DandelionrootsI am so terribly sorry for what happened to you, it’s unthinkable and you are incredible for getting through it. I’m so sorry x

YMMV - a kink is having s3x with the lights on or in the afternoon.

Degrading. harming or humiliating women (or men for that matter) for sexual gratification is a psychological issue.

The previous relationship may well have been consensual but referring to my previous sentence - they could both be warped.

My question @Salmiacchew , did the xW know that you didn't know about your partners 'kink'?
Powerplay on her part? Or drunken oversharing?
Some continuing relationship between them?

We all have phases which we grow out of or move on from but this is something more deepseated.

Get a peek on his search history etc.

if it's a current thing for him (just not including you on it....yet). go nuclear on his ass.

Exactly. He’s obviously paid for this - even as an observer - he has no clue (or doesnt care) if those women being violated are consenting. Look at the Gisele Pelicot horror. It’s people like your BF who escalate these situations by their participation.

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn Getting up the nerve to share what that violent abuse turns him on!

As I already explained in my previous comment, that's not an issue so long as this is only taking place with people who consent.

What about the women who voluntarily put themselves forward for degradation? Technically they're enabling the behaviour, as you cannot have a degradee without a degrader. So why is your anger not directed towards the tiny minority of women who actively seek partners who treat them this way?

@Claregalway He’s obviously paid for this - even as an observer

Most pornography is viewed for free. Not paid for.

he has no clue (or doesnt care) if those women being violated are consenting.

That's correct for degradation material viewed online... but this is equally applicable to every single pornographic video that exists.

Probably because @shuggles as explained above, the women who apparently are so keen-bean to be violently degraded and assaulted have been horribly abused in their formative years?

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn the women who apparently are so keen-bean to be violently degraded and assaulted have been horribly abused in their formative years?

All women who get sexually aroused by degradation are those that have previously been degraded and assaulted non-consensually?

I'm going to need a citation for that if you're going to convince me that you didn't just pull that out of thin air.

This is not for Shuggles, who is a man who sealions on here often. Don't waste your time, he just likes the attention.

This is for the rest of us:

Childhood abuse and sadomasochism: New insights
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1158136021000888?via%3Dihub
"An online survey was conducted on a sample of 1219 participants who were queried regarding childhood psychological, sexual, and physical abuse.... The results confirmed that childhood abuse, especially sexual, increases sadomasochistic tendencies. These increases varied by gender such that abused males exhibited more sadistic preferences and females more masochistic. Levels of sadism and masochism varied with history of abuse and gender. The analyses also resulted in triple interactions for both masochism and sadism, as well as in several simple effects. There were no gender differences for heavy masochism and passive sadism, however, light masochism was more prominent in females, and heavy and light sadism was found more commonly in males. Additionally, the presence of any form of abuse was connected with significantly higher heavy, light and passive masochism and sadism."

And this only looks at the association between *child sexual abuse and sadomasochism. Patriarchy commits many other harms on girls and boys as well, including encouraging power-seeking, violence, and resentment towards women in men, and fear of men, rape, and the consequences of sex in women. Unsurprisingly, that shit often enters the sexual sphere. A lot of research on BDSM focuses on the male experience and psychology, not the women - how surprising - but this study draws the link between gender expectations and BDSM:

Alignment Beyond the Binaries: The Relationship Between Expansive Gender Identities and Flexible BDSM Roles in a Large-Scale International Sample
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/42029818/

"The present study tested gender differences in BDSM roles, fantasies, and practices in a large, international sample of BDSM practitioners (n = 1104). Within a sample of 474 cisgender women, 421 cisgender men, and 209 gender-expansive (non-cisgender) individuals, 264 identified as exclusively left-of-slash (Dominant, Top, Sadist, etc.); 369 as exclusively right-of-slash (submissive, bottom, masochist, etc.); 78 as a combination of left-of-slash and right-of-slash roles but without identifying as switches; and 393 as switches. Significant relationships between gender and BDSM role emerged such that cisgender women tended towards right-of-slash roles, cisgender men tended towards left-of-slash roles, and gender-expansive individuals tended towards switching. Similarly, cisgender men reported more dominant and sadistic fantasies and activities than cisgender women or gender-expansive individuals, and cisgender women reported more submissive and masochistic activities than cisgender men or gender-expansive individuals and more submissive and masochistic fantasies than cisgender men. Gender identity groups and BDSM role groups differed significantly by age, but including age as a covariate changed the significance of only one analysis."

Sorry, whilst I don’t disagree with the majority of your post in terms of degradation I’m unsure what you mean about a kink being having sex with the lights on or in the afternoon?!

So anyone who indulges is bondage and spanking/caning means they have a psychological issue??

What rot! Yes, if you get involved in extreme cases (branding, blood play etc.) then maybe but a slap (consensual obviously)??

I have been in a few relationships where she liked her hands held either side of her head, or liked sex to be a bit rough. Not all the time, but every so often. I did have one than like her hair pulled and being smacked. She bought it up, and wanted to do it. What did cross the line for me was hand on her throat. She really got off on that (she asked me to try it) but I just didnt feel comfortable. I wont judge those that do though, if you like something like that and it's your choice then go ahead.

I really wonder why you think it's kept a secret from you. I mean if you found out your DP and ex used to go to a certain restaurant together or went to watch a film together, would you still feel it's a secret and that he should have told you.

You probably now have a certain image in your head which you can't get rid of.
If you can't deal with this revelation then maybe you should just leave him.

just that some people think that daytime sex or with the lights in naughty and kinky. One person's kink is another's normal.

I stand by what I said. Someone who likes to do or watch harm has a problem and is a problem. And even consensual degradation or harm is a problem (on both sides of the relationship).

Maybe you should read some of the 'my husband hit me' threads to see the terror and harm and violence causes.