Partner kept a kink secret and now I feel misled

[Salmiacchew]

I’m in a relatively new relationship (less than a year). Things have been great and he’s been an amazing partner so I can’t complain (until now).

I found out now that he has a secret kink or affinity that he never even mentioned. It only came out when someone else alluded to it in my presence and I asked about it. He seemed embarrassed and said that he didn’t know how and when mention it yet. I let it go at the time but I’ve been thinking about it and getting quite angry.

The things that bother me is that he didn’t tell me about it and it hurts me, because it is clear that previous partners knew about it. It also makes me wonder if I even know him at all or what else he might be hiding, and I’m so mad at the thought that I might have wasted almost a year on someone who kept secrets.

And yes, I will be launching a Clare’s Law request just in case. I’m also considering contacting the person who flippantly made the remark/ joke in the first place to see if it aligns with what he told me. But I’m just mad right now. Things were going too well and I was wondering where the catch was.

Would his ex wife have wanted you to feel uncomfortable when she said it.

You have nothing to feel bad about here. He chose not to share what he sexually enjoys with you. That's pretty standard when you start a relationship.

Is it something that would be a deal breaker if you found out early on and that's why he hid it, so you would continue the relationship until you got more involved and it would be harder to exit?

I think this sounds really problematic and I'd be thinking about ending it.

Is the kink something that you coukd go along with/participate in? Assuming you get past the secrecy.

They broke up 5 or 6 years ago and I think it’s really nice that they remained friends. I’m not jealous or suspicious and she was there with her new partner and seemed happy. She seemed a bit drunk.

Was he right?

Oh come on. What is it? You cannot ask for advice and not say what it is?

It is. I don’t know why I’m even embarrassed about this so much.

I think if I was hanging out with my boyfriend of one year and his ex wife who he's known for a minimum of 16 years I would feel like an outsider too, even without the kink comment. There's a lot of history there that they will always have no matter how long you are with him, if they maintain their relationship alongside.

Unless the "kink" is kids I don't really understand why you'd feel inclined to contact the police. People have kinks, he hasn't attempted to get you into it or anything, he hasn't been engaging in it while you've been together. I don't understand. You've been together less than a year there's a lot you don't know about him.

What is the part that upsets you? Him having a kink, him not telling you about the kink, what the kind actully is or that you felt like an outsider when hanging out with him and his ex?

It's weird. So he has a violent kink. But he's still friends with the ex wife who he's shared this kink with? I think the Claires law might be a bit ott but obviously do whatever makes you feel better/safe

Surely there’s things in bed people like no matter who they’re with and there’s things they like with one partner but that won’t follow them onto another? Maybe it’s something he quite likes to do but doesn’t feel the need to mention until things need spicing up. Do other people mention every single kink they have within the first year, what do you do in year 2?

You've got nothing to be embarrassed about. But to be considering a Claire's law? Is there anything else about him that's making you suspicious?

If he's got a kink so violent that you need to check he's not on a register, then a) you have far more to worry about feeling misled and b) you need to get out of the relationship.

What is it?!

Why are you embarrassed? What is the kink?

Depends what sort of violence you are talking about, spanking or mild BDSM (restraint etc) isnt a red flag in itself, a lot of people are into that.

I personally dont think it warrants a Clare's Law request, especially as his ex is still friends with him. If he was dangerous, I doubt she would be giving him the time of day, much less ribbing him about his preferences.

ETA I should say that I think it is sensible for every woman to request disclosure under Clare's Law when a relationship becomes serious, but on the basis of this one thing....it seems OTT.

Am assuming it’s an erotic* *asphyxiation kink?

A 'rape' kink.

Can you ask his ex if you have anything to worry about?

Ok all your doing it drip feeding information which is bloody boring. Unless you tell people what the fetish is your post is absolutely pointless

Maybe him and the Ex had a different sort of sex life that he doesn’t want with you. It might have been a phase, an interest, curiosity, that he no longer has.

Why his ex is talking to you about their sex life is beyond me

OP, I would get out now. This level of dishonesty is deeply worrying after a year. How many times have you been intimate, or had conversations about sex in a year? I would expect a lot early on, and I would also any major preferences to be disclosed much earlier than a year- partly because you may want to do them together and partly that's how you work out the parameters of what you both like. He's hidden this and only outed after his ex-wife got drunk, and now you are doing a Claire's Law? I mean, do you want a violent kink to the point of crime type of a boyfriend? Who didn't mention it?

It's not nice that he's friends with his ex, or that you are all out drinking together, or that she is holding this over you. That's boundaryless.

He guessed right, you are not into this and if I were you, however lovely he is, however loving, I would not be with someone who would hide this and take me out drinking with his ex who references their 'special sexual activity.

I do straight up ask men this though, if they have any kinks or if there's anything I should know about their bedroom preferences once we are starting to be in a relationship, nothing worse than finding out through accidentally stumbling on their porn collection or from their ex-wife. I am for knowing everything very early on (and I even look to see what type of porn they like, if any, too many friends who have had 'surprises' over the years).

You ought not to be embarrassed, you have done nothing wrong 🤷‍♀️ I’d be extremely angry if he’s hidden a kink for violence-during sex, I assume? People don’t change.

I assumed it was a little more spicy, going off the Claire's Law request. That would only show up crimes or suspected crimes, I mean that's not quite Ann Summer's handcuffs, is it?

This.

I mean this is way beyond BDSM, choking etc.