50th birthday left me feeling sad

[cornflowerblue32]

So I just had my 50th. We were coming back off holiday so I knew it would be the usual get up, packed, drive home, get unpacked scenario. When we got home DH and DC gave me some presents - am I being spoilt to say I was a bit underwhelmed (DH gave me a desk fan, he'd bought our DD the same one for her birthday a week earlier, a book that I think he may have got from our local phone box library, a cushion with a puffin on and a puffin badge - I like puffins!)

It wasn't the presents though that upset me - it was the fact that 10 minutes later they all drifted off to go on various screens and I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards. I felt like they gave me 10 minutes of their time to give me presents and 10 minutes to eat a meal. Even my dad couldn't be bothered to visit, he only lives a few miles away, but was going out to play bowls!

I went to bed at 9 and cried before going to sleep, DH stayed downstairs watching TV.

Is anyone else's family like this? Am I just being a spoilt brat to expect a bit more on my 50th? I know some people have it much worse and it's not the worst problem in the world. I keep mulling it over in my head, which is why it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm asking you good people what you think?

That’s absolutely shit. You absolutely should not have been doing the donkey work on your 50th as the bare minimum and your “dh” should have instructed the kids to help him do the washing/unpacking/tidying etc. It was your bloody birthday for gods sake. And the presents were a shit show. I think you should sit them all down and tell them they have made you sad on your birthday and that you feel undervalued. They should know how you feel. And like others have said, do something just for you and tell them all why.
just to add, my dh makes a huge fuss of me on my birthday as I do him. It’s what our children witness and I hope they go on to do the same for their partners when they get older. Birthdays should make you feel special and cherished. Happy birthday anyway x

Tomorrow morning say, not just to yourself, "This is my 50th year and I'm going to enjoy it".

TELL them next weekend is your "Official" Birthday. AND: You are expecting a cake and a really fancy meal out at a restaurant you want to eat at. Plus presents etc. In other words yesterday didn't happen. (Yesterday was not acceptable in any way at all.)

Starting tomorrow you are not doing any housework, meals, washing, for anyone else at all this week. You are the Queen of this home and need to be treated as such.

did you tell them you wanted to do something, I think they’d bought the presents in advance, it was return day from holiday so everyone tired from travel and prob not aware you wanted a games night or something.

just plan something for another time. Say you want to do something ie dinner or whatever.

OP is Entitled to have a really special time, not just something. Everything is the order of the day for 50 when she has done so much for everyone else.

That's really bad OP. I don't expect much for my birthdays but for a big one they should have made a bit of an effort.

For Mother’s Day my dd didn’t even bother asking what her dad had got. Was a box of very cheap chocolate that is not a box I like. I had a big chat with dd and said i wasn’t happy. She’s old enough now to offer contributions about what I’d like. For my birthday she asked for some money and got me lots of lovely little things that I like! So chatting does work. For the same birthday I got lots of lovely things from dh but he ignored me for the whole afternoon and went to sleep! So there we are.

Why are you with him?

That’s outrageous. Do the same on their special days. Sod all and house hold chores. See how they like it.

@RominaDinahis money.

Couldn't you get a settlement? It's got to be better than living like this, surely?

@RominaDinai am planning on it.

Happy Birthday 🎂

a book that I think he may have got from our local phone box library wtf?? Really??

I think you should go somewhere too. Maybe think about booking a day course to do something you like, or horse riding with a group in the countryside? Theatre? Have more than one weekend though. Start being a bit more pushy when it comes to having time to yourself.

I know it's not what you want, but in future, don't do so much for his birthday.

Sorry your 50th was rubbish OP.

My 50th birthday was also a non event, we were struggling so much financially, really in dire straits. Two of my aunts sent me a £15 voucher each to use in any of our city’s shopping malls. One has a Sainsbury’s, so I spent my vouchers in there buying food for my DDs and me. DD1 bought me a DVD and DD2 a book, both of which I treasured and still do. I went to work in my usual evening shift at the local Spar, no-one even said Happy Birthday, later in the week it was a colleague’s birthday and they made a huge fuss. It wasn’t that I wanted a huge fuss, but one Happy Birthday would have been nice!

We’ve moved house since then and are in a much better place now, my next birthday is 60, and I don’t want it to be acknowledged by anyone! Just my two DDs, maybe a pub lunch, just the 3 of us, that’ll do me!

Good luck 🤞

Thanks for this - I've taken a screenshot to keep reminding myself of what you said - it IS going to be the present I give myself.

I've started already, all weekend when the kids have just dumped something next to the sink, I've been calling them back and telling them to please clear their mess up properly.
I think something might have sunk in with DH too. He cleaned up a load of books that he'd been hoarding for ages and then vacuumed the area they were in. It really hit home when he used the old vacuum I use for cleaning the car, he didn't realise I'd bought a new one for the house two years ago!!!

Have you said anything to your DH about your 50th op? Have you planned anything for yourself for this weekend?

Well done OP! All power to you.

Sounds like they have been taking you for granted - the vacuum cleaner story is such a metaphor for how you have been treated. Keep pushing and making them all accountable for themselves. Also, we all owe it to our DCs to encourage them (make them) be responsible for themselves and have a better awareness of their impact on others around them.

Keep up the good work!

I did it. I spoke to DH and DC last night and said how I felt and that it was partly my fault for not saying anything at the time.

DH didn't say much apart from he thought that having a day out was a good idea and that he had something in mind. Watch this space.
I said I thought the gifts were a bit lacklustre but as is the narcissists way he just replied that actually I'll find the fan really useful if I just tried it. This is a very common pattern, over the years his gifts always have to be the best and if you disagree then you're just wrong.
DD's did actually listen to what I was saying and we're planning a takeaway, film and games night this weekend.
I'll let you how the day out goes, he said it would be in a couple of weeks time!!

Well done! That's brilliant.

Hopefully you can go from strength to strength in standing up for yourself. Your kids sound better than their dad.

Read the update with his comment about the fan.
Personally I don’t think that comes under ‘being treated well’, and I don’t think it’s made ok by the idea that people approach birthdays differently.

I hope enjoy your night with dcs. He still sounds like an arse.

Having read your previous thread I have never forgotten what one of your DC said about the way this man treats you.
You deserve better.

50th birthday gifts from our husband are not meant to be useful. They should be frivolous and charming and should be something that will bring us joy. A fan absolutely doesn't fit that bill, obviously. Make sure you buy him something equally 'useful' for his birthday OP!

Well done on talking to them about it though. He will never change if you don't change things (your reactions) really. We shall wait for your follow up!! Hope it's not a useful day out too 🙄