50th birthday left me feeling sad

[cornflowerblue32]

So I just had my 50th. We were coming back off holiday so I knew it would be the usual get up, packed, drive home, get unpacked scenario. When we got home DH and DC gave me some presents - am I being spoilt to say I was a bit underwhelmed (DH gave me a desk fan, he'd bought our DD the same one for her birthday a week earlier, a book that I think he may have got from our local phone box library, a cushion with a puffin on and a puffin badge - I like puffins!)

It wasn't the presents though that upset me - it was the fact that 10 minutes later they all drifted off to go on various screens and I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards. I felt like they gave me 10 minutes of their time to give me presents and 10 minutes to eat a meal. Even my dad couldn't be bothered to visit, he only lives a few miles away, but was going out to play bowls!

I went to bed at 9 and cried before going to sleep, DH stayed downstairs watching TV.

Is anyone else's family like this? Am I just being a spoilt brat to expect a bit more on my 50th? I know some people have it much worse and it's not the worst problem in the world. I keep mulling it over in my head, which is why it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm asking you good people what you think?

Happy 50th birthday OP! I think you need to take things into your own hands and plan some lovely celebrations for yourself.

Make a list of things you really want to do over the next year and do them. Don't ask DH "is it ok if I do x" just book it and tell him you are going and leave it to sort stuff out.

Stuff you should do:

Weekend away
Birthday meal with friends
solo meal at a really fancy Michelin star restaurant(if this is your thing)
Massage

Book it all for yourself and announce each time you are treating yourself for your 50th

I would also tell your family how disappointed you are with your 50th and how it wasn't on to leave you to do all the unpacking and washing and cooking and how would they feel if they were lumbered with these chores on their birthday?

I'm an August birthday op.
It's usually underwhelming.
I think its just a really bad time of year to have a birthday. As you say there's a holiday in the mix too.
My now adult dc are usually away as it's summer holiday time.
Dh who is normally good with celebrations seems to miss the mark on my birthday.
I agree with pp's, book yourself a weekend away.

It’s a half century birthday! Everyone deserves love, celebration and cherishing - even more so when it’s someone who rarely asks for it. OP wasn’t expecting a surprise party with 100 guests just a cake and some quality time in her own home.
That said OP as a grown woman you can state your own worth yourself. You could’ve left the washing and just unpacked your own stuff, saying the kids can do the unpacking and the washing can wait until tomorrow - take yourself off for a bath with a book or whatever.
it sounds like they’re used to you being submissive which is not healthy to role model to your kids - can you start to slowly and gently demand more respect? Or even as a bold overnight decision? You know your setup and what suits you better but it sounds like things have not been fair for a long time.

i would have made arrangements if i wanted to celebrate

Can it be salvaged?
tbh I’m not that bothered about celebrating on the actual day (my birthday is in half term so I’ve had a lot of packing up and travelling home ones too). Can you plan an activity - meal/day out/night away in the next few weeks, and explain to your husband you had hoped for a little more recognition and something a bit more special to mark a special birthday (maybe choose yourself some jewellery or a bag and ask him to pay/contribute). What did you do for his last big birthday?

it’s a shame you have to spell it out, but sometimes you do, otherwise everyone just thinks “good old mum, she won’t mind”

And since washing, unpacking and cooking as well! A truly perfect day for you?

would you buy your own presents as well?

I spent several months ekeing out turning 50, celebrating with other friends reaching the same milestone.

For the weekend itself we went away on a long weekend. If you time it to be coming back from holiday and you are usually the main one doing all the unpacking etc then it sounds like poor planning. Did you not at least have a nice family dinner on holiday to celebrate? Also does all the laundry have to be done at once? When the four of us came back from a two week trip recently we all did our own and it took several days to get back to normal as we were all working but fitted it in around shifts.

It doesn't sound very special but it sounds like bad planning/timing as much as anything.

But can't you continue to celebrate now and remedy it? What would you like to do?

I think, left to their own devices with no guidance from me, my family could be like yours for birthdays. As I’ve got older, I’ve realised my husband is who he is, has many strengths but it just doesn’t occur to him that birthdays are a big deal. Hes also a bit crap at choosing presents! I plan what I want to do for my birthday, i organised my own big party for my 50th for example, and sent him specific instructions and links to gifts i want . I also organised a girls’ weekend away because I knew he wouldn’t think to do that and there was somewhere specific i wanted to go and have a laugh with my mates. Not very romantic but he’s not going to change! I spent a lot of years getting upset that he didn’t guess what was in my head but, once I accepted we were different in that regard, things improved. I think social media has a lot to answer for when it comes to birthday celebrations; comparison is the thief of joy and all that but your birthday does sound a bit lacklustre. Seize the day and don’t wait for other people to sort things out is my motto! We make our own happiness.

You should have booked your birthday away.

You need to give domestic chores to the others that live in the home with you. & teach your child how to cook something.

Next year purchase something for yourself. Or send flowers to yourself.

sorry you went through a tough time.

I think it sounds really rubbish and not surprised you were upset and underwhelmed. A meal out at the very least would have been a nice gesture.

However (i hope this isnt mean) i wouldnt even have agreed to a holiday that finished on my birthday! Its my 50th next year and im already thinking about it and discussing ideas, but my DH is quite rubbish at planning ahead so if I want a party or meal, I'll need to arrange that.

Yeah they should have at least arranged dinner or takeaway for you as a minimum. Though i agree with others that you should have just said you’re not cooking and you might need to take a firmer stance on things.

I would book a day out for yourself today and leave. And also book a weekend away for yourself next weekend regardless of what they are doing or think.

This year I had my 70th birthday. I planned different small celebrations with various groups of friends & family over several weeks. These ranged from meals in restaurants, afternoon tea, a weekend away, a concert and a family evening with buffet at home.
It’s not too late to celebrate your 50th birthday year!
I would think of some things that you would love to do, invite your friends & wider family and enjoy yourself.
Happy Birthday 💐

My 50th was also a non event but I prefer to ignore those
Birthdays where i enter a new decade anyway. It takes me a couple of years to feel comfortable with it.

It's not too late to redeem this bit you have to be assertive. I would be telling my family that my fiftieth birthday was crap and I wanted a redo. Then I would give them all a task: husband needs to book a nice special restaurant/weekend away, children are given the task of making you breakfast in bed and organising some surprises for the designated day, and you buy yourself some presents you actually want. You choose your weekend and you actually celebrate it his time. You didn't get a fiftieth birthday. Demand one.

Even a zero effort birthday i get a couple of thoughtful presents a takeaway and to choose everything we watch , which we watch together. Your family needs to up it's game!

I’ve read your other thread too. He’s not a very nice man and is taking you for granted. I think there’s more to unpick here.

This is awful and I'm so sorry you didn't get the celebration you deserve. Your family are thoughtless. The way I've started to deal with this in my life is to stop waiting for permission. Now on my birthday I take myself to the local spa for an hour or two, maybe a nice solo lunch. I tell my DH that I'd like him to arrange a dinner with friends and am very clear on my expectations. Does it make me sad that I have to spell it out? Yes, a bit. I wish my family were better abeung intuitively romantic and caring. But I'm proud that I've started to put myself first sometimes. Hope you have a fab weekend next weekend treating yourself x

At a minimum there should have been cards and a present when you got up at the holiday place. I hate a fuss and really struggle with birthdays but not to have this is awful. You and their dad have both demonstrated to the children how to treat you though. Him a knob and you a martyr

I would sack them off and organise a nice meal out with friends next weekend and a weekend away someone amazing with my firienda in September.

I think some of that's on you op I'm afraid. You didn't need to do 3 loads of washing or unpack everyone's stuff on your birthday. Unless your kids are particularly small everyone can do their own. And unless it was something particular you wanted that only you could cook why would you do that? "What are you making for dinner then dh?" or "shall we have a takeaway?"

You should expect every birthday to be treated the same. As should the rest of your family.

Birthday or not, the rest of your family need to be doing more of the normal things that a household has to do.

Sorry to hear about your disappointment OP, YANBU.

I think I would have announced that we were celebrating my birthday early (due to travel on the actual day) and booked a really nice lunch or dinner out in the middle of the holiday. Or a trip or day out of my choice. Although that wouldn’t help with the crap gifts.

I hope you do treat yourself properly next weekend. Happy birthday.

You'd just got back from holiday. Everyone is tired, a bit post holiday blue, and wanting to resettle. Possibly also needing some time to themselves after your extensive family time. The fact you didn't have a plan, like a meal out or something left a bit of a void, and I can get that people disperse rather than sit together doing nothing much.
If you want a bigger event of your birthday, you'd do better to give it its own day rather than coincide it with something else going forward.
This doesn't excuse your H leaving you to do the sorting out though. You should have called him back and said he needed to help.
Happy birthday anyway. My 50th was underwhelming but marked the start of a lovely life stage. I hope its the same for you.

Book a lunch out today and get DH to pay for it. If not with family a friend