50th birthday left me feeling sad

[cornflowerblue32]

So I just had my 50th. We were coming back off holiday so I knew it would be the usual get up, packed, drive home, get unpacked scenario. When we got home DH and DC gave me some presents - am I being spoilt to say I was a bit underwhelmed (DH gave me a desk fan, he'd bought our DD the same one for her birthday a week earlier, a book that I think he may have got from our local phone box library, a cushion with a puffin on and a puffin badge - I like puffins!)

It wasn't the presents though that upset me - it was the fact that 10 minutes later they all drifted off to go on various screens and I spent the rest of the day getting through 3 loads of washing, sorting out unpacking, cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards. I felt like they gave me 10 minutes of their time to give me presents and 10 minutes to eat a meal. Even my dad couldn't be bothered to visit, he only lives a few miles away, but was going out to play bowls!

I went to bed at 9 and cried before going to sleep, DH stayed downstairs watching TV.

Is anyone else's family like this? Am I just being a spoilt brat to expect a bit more on my 50th? I know some people have it much worse and it's not the worst problem in the world. I keep mulling it over in my head, which is why it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm asking you good people what you think?

even better if his birthday is in January!

but yeah they sound a bit crap HOWEVER usually people would expect to 'do' something for a big birthday, not necessarily a big party but a meal out or something you like, so if you specifically said you didn't want to do anything at all, I can see why there were at a bit of a loss. Playing scrabble together sounds like the last thing in the world I'd equate with "birthday celebrations" (not criticising you, we are all different, but just to explain that I can see why they didn't suggest anything themselves, if the sort of thing you think would be a nice birthday activity is very different to what they, or most people, might consider).

Also you didn't help out by immediately doing all the cleaning, washing etc. You could have just left it and said 'haha yeah right, you really think I'm going to be doing all that on my birthday. No thanks, I'm off for a sit in the sun in the garden/walk and then pub/watch a film, if anyone wants to come with me they'd be very welcome.' And if they didn't then go on your own!

Again, I fully understand the logic that if you didn't do the chores then you'd probably just end up doing it tomorrow anyway, but the overall impression is that you were just not bothered at all about your own birthday, so it's hard to blame others for matching your energy! If you act like a martyr....

Op, unless your husband otherwise treats you badly, I think you have to accept that some people celebrate birthdays well and some don’t. We are in the don’t camp. My husband has never bought me a birthday or Christmas present and I haven’t bought any for him either. We do take each other out for lovely meal. We do not buy presents for anyone over 21, including our adult children who are quite happy with this reciprocal arrangement. We do take them out for a good dinner and special birthdays are usually at a well known restaurant. They can bring who they want. We do celebrate our wedding anniversaries. We do not buy presents but it is always in a special location.
I think this is up to you as well. If I wanted to celebrate something then I would be planning it so that we did not return from holiday on that date. Surely your family were tired. If you want to be taken out, then tell them in advance.

Happy birthday OP!
In the nicest way possible, how come you weren't on hols on your birthday in a place where you could see real puffins?! Your half century deserves a special celebration and I feel sorry that you didn't have it. What would you like to have done? Who decided the dates of the holiday? Did you point out you were coming home on your birthday?
And I would most definitely tell him to shove the desk fan where the sun doesn't shine...

He does otherwise treat her badly. She started another thread. It's not good.

Your DH thinks you should be grateful for what you have? What, like doing all the unpacking from holiday, doing umpteen loads of washing and cooking everyone else a meal on your 50th birthday, while everyone else sits around on their arse?

I am well cheesed off on your behalf.

Was the holiday in honour of your birthday?

Take this as learning a lesson the hard way - don't out source your happiness to other people and also, don't be a martyr.

Who organised the logistics of this trip for the return journey to coincide with your birthday and if it was you, why? and if it wasn't you why did you agree to it.
That was potentially the first flaw in the plan, travelling back from a trip ON a birthday is not something i would do, and especially not a big special birthday.

It would be lovely if our DHs could pick us the perfect gift for a special birthday (and some can!) but don't leave it to chance. Communicate with words, not telepathically, what you want as a gift otherwise you might just get a load of shit (or nothing) Although the fact you got puffin 'stuff' when he knows you like puffins is very cute.

Who made you do all the laundry and cooking on your birthday? You.
Again, it would have been lovely for DH to say lets go out somewhere nice to celebrate, but if you know he's not doing it, then again, use actual words to articulate 'actually darling, sack the laundry, I want to go out for dinner for my birthday, lets go to xxx' and then book the table.

On my last big birthday I had an absolute ball, stayed in a swanky hotel, absolute luxury, wonderful location that I researched for days - I booked the entire thing because otherwise my birthday would have been a thundering disappointment and when I care about my own happiness I'm not going to leave it to chance.

What can you do for yourself to make this feel better?

A big birthday dinner out with the family can still happen next weekend?
Buy yourself whatever it was that you wished your DH had thought of.
Take.charge.of.your.own.happiness.

Thanks, bot that wasn’t clear. Do you have a link?

Ok, I'll try and find it. It's sad.

Thanks everyone - as always some great advice. I hope people know how valuable this platform is to people like me.

Something that really struck me was the 'if you act like a doormat (martyr), you'll be treated like one'. You're right I do act like one. I think it is an ingrained behaviour, I've been doing it so long it's just my default mode.
BUT...I do think the best present I can give to myself is try to break that pattern. I frequently look back at past advice on here to remind myself and will be doing so again with this thread. I need to be much much stronger - maybe I need to paint a mantra on the wall to remind me every day!!
For context the holiday was to celebrate my DD birthday and these were the only dates that we could do to fit in with another family event, like someone said it was a perfect storm of events but ultimately unavoidable.
Next year will be better, I'll let you know.... and I'll start making a birthday list for my 51st now. Thanks again, it really does mean loads to have all your advice.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5518250-does-anyone-else-have-a-relationship-like-this?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share
Here we go.

I hope you can start the process of improving things in your marriage and with your teenage DC.
It's not good. Step back from doing everything and start couples counselling if you want DH to change.

I don’t know if you’ll see this @cornflowerblue32 but I hope you do. I was talking to a friend in the US ( we go way back ) and I was suggesting we have a girls holiday together. We’ve had family holidays together but no girls holidays since we had kids. She was a bit neutral about it. She then asked me if my family mind me having holidays away from them. The answer to that is no because they know that we are all individuals and we deserve a fulfilling life beyond our role as parents. My friend really struggles with that. I wouldn’t have been doing washing on any birthday let alone a big one because why would I ? There is something in sales called the “ assumptive close” where a sales person gives a pitch and then proceeds as if the customer has agreed to the purchase. It’s a technique you should use with your family… Assume they’re organising things. of course I’m not doing the bloody washing are you mental. Where are we going for my birthday. What restaurant are we eating at? I’ve sent you a link to
some bouji thing I want. Please don’t be the person scrubbing the kitchen floor crying because the family are giving you the Cinderella treatment.

Wow that is a really shit 50th OP. I’m sorry. I’d be reconsidering my relationship if I were you. And also reducing the effort you make for the people who made none for you.

Oh and after reading your other thread I’d definitely be ending the relationship. Perhaps your 50th could be the start of the rest of your life without your dickhead of a DH.

Wait! This birthday isn't over! You don't have to wait until next year. They haven't celebrated this one yet. I still think you should say right when are we going out for dinner?

OP, The advice is actually summarised as you need to make plans to leave before your 51st birthday

exactly what I was about to say! don't wait till next year, make that list and get cracking with it!

What was your h doing all day? Did he help with the holiday unpacking or …?

No, nor the laundry, cooking or clearing up. Same with the teenage kids.
They were all on their screens while they toiled.

Just read the other thread.
He's a nasty horror.
I really hope this is your year to realise life doesn't have to be like this.

That is a big milestone OP Happy Birthday! I have trained myself to lower my expectations, have a low key birthday or to buy for and organise my own special events. I hope you plan a treat over the next week or so. I do feel for you. My Christmas presents are bought and wrapped on top of the wardrobe, so I shall have forgotten what they are by Dec.

It just isn't on DH's radar, although he enjoys being spoiled on his special days. There is no malice, he just doesn't get it, so any angst just special events further. I went to a funeral on my 50th, so I am plotting a much bigger 60th! 😅

You're right, I hope this gives her confidence to do something.

Really sorry to hear things are tough all round OP. I haven't read your other thread. Hope you find some peace and happiness

You need to speak up!
My 40th was really disappointing!!!! made DH well away of how I felt. I mentioned it again in my late 40s. He was obviously listening because he took me on a surprise trip to Rome for my 50th. 😊😂
so there is hope OP!!! Just say something.